Hey! This is B of A AKA Bank of America AKA your favorite bank you’ve had since you were thirteen that you’ll never quit.

Just wanted to let you know you took money out of an ATM that I’ve never met about three months ago. So I’m gonna have to charge you five dollars. Yeah, that two fifty was that ATM’s fee. I don’t know why they do that. They’re so sketchy. Yeah, five dollars is to teach you a lesson. I do it because I care.

Anyway there’s more. Remember when you had your debit card hacked like two months ago for like one-kay, well I just want to say I thought a lot about it. You were right, you did get hacked. To say I’m sorry I got you two hundred dollars. Now you only have to eat an eight hundred dollar loss not one thousand. Awesome, right?

Well, I’m glad that’s over with. I just had something I wanted to discuss with you. You know how you have to have at least two thousand dollars in your account? So even though you were hacked, I have to fine you eleven dollars. Rules are rules. Everyone has to follow them.

Anyway thanks for staying American and banking with me. I’m here for all of your fees- I mean needs.

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