The Feeling: Heartgasm
Sweat dripping. Feet burning. Cheeks flushed bright red.
I quickened my footsteps in an attempt to follow along my upbeat Salsa instructor. As I focused on imitating her quick figure-8 moves in the mirror, I caught a glimpse of myself, barely recognizing the person who stared back.
While I looked nowhere near as sexy as my instructor, I had undeniably gleaned some of her confidence and spark. My hips were moving in a fluid, circular motion that was completely foreign to me. It was as if they grew spirals under my skin, slowly unraveling the stiffness in every part of my body.
All the rigidity and discipline that more than a decade of ballet had molded inside me suddenly washed away into Openness. Freedom. Exhilaration. And something more: Self-compassion.
I call this “the feeling.” I’m addicted to this feeling. It’s the chase of something new, the satisfaction of conquering a higher peak. It’s understanding and embracing your current moment, and acknowledging you are exactly where you want to be.
The best way I can describe it? It’s a heartgasm.
Urban-dictionary defines a heartgasm as the result of a heart attack during an orgasm. But that’s not what I mean. It’s similar to the explosive joy you feel in a couple of seconds, but it’s not in connection with anyone but yourself.
At the risk of sounding crazy, let me explain. I’ve experienced this feeling a handful of times in my life, but a disproportionally high amount this year.
It’s happened when I’m driving home from work after an especially productive or rewarding day and suddenly one of my favorite EDM songs comes on the radio.
It’s happened when I’m sprinting on a treadmill at Barry’s, finally hitting that peak 13mph when the instructor yells, “5…4…3…2…1…and done!”
And it’s even happened when I’m reading a sentence in a book that resonates so deeply with me, I’ll re-read it a few times just to let it completely soak in.
In these moments, I’ve felt so energized and euphoric that I wish I could freeze time. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and tuck it away forever.
It’s not like I haven’t had hobbies and passions in the past. I’ve always enjoyed sports and dance; food and travel; nature, museums, and meeting new people.
But there is something special about doing things alone in this age of busy-ness. We all have so much going on in our worlds — constantly surrounded by technology, people, and social media — that it’s difficult to take a moment in pure solitude. When I can, I milk these moments and seize them for self-reflection.
Sometimes I also wonder if my peers evaluate their current state on a regular basis. I wonder if people ever give themselves a personal assessment or a performance review. I wonder what questions they’d ask and what metrics they’d use to measure their state of being.
Do I like what I’m doing right now?
Do I feel happy with the person I am?
Do I mind being in my own company?
Perhaps introverts have long enjoyed and engaged in this kind of self-dialogue, but this is honestly all new to me. And I love it. By setting aside time for myself and myself only, I have discovered what makes me unapologetically happy.
Salsa. Running. Books. Movies. Making acai bowls and smoothies. Hiking. Writing. The beach. And of course, quality time with quality friends. I’ve also learned to let go of immediate gratifications and prioritize activities that provide more long-term fulfillment. Most importantly, I try to pursue things that best reflect my values, aspirations, and personal truth.
In other words, my definition of happiness has become: authenticity + purpose.
I spent so much time in my college years and early 20’s catering to others and going along with what other people wanted to do. I also cared excessively about how everyone else perceived me. It didn’t matter if it was a stranger, an acquaintance, or a friend. I was obsessed with making people like me.
Eventually, I realized the people I care about the most — the ones I consider to hold the greatest meaning and connection — can be counted on only one hand. Their opinions hold so much more significance because of a genuine and mutual investment in each other’s well-being. I didn’t need other people’s approval or admiration as long as I had my family/friends’ support. And even if they didn’t agree with everything I did, I knew they’d still have my back.
But the most important opinion that had been missing all along one was my own. Like my salsa teacher says at the end of every class: “When it comes to how you feel about yourself, only one opinion matters. Yours!!!” By gradually developing a thicker skin and a more DGAF attitude towards others, I’ve inversely become much kinder and gentler to myself. I now relish in every personal victory and small milestone, and I don’t beat myself up for things outside of my control.
This year, between the ages of 23 and 24, I feel like I’ve grown more than any other year and discovered new passions that I can’t live without. Although there’s still so much to learn and improve on, I want to take a moment to appreciate how far I’ve come and all the heartgasms along the way. ❤