A quest for side hustles vs. finding myself: Is it about money?

Part I: Lesson learned in pursuit of side hustles

It was May 5, 2020 at 8:55 am on a gloomy Tuesday in Seattle, WA. Sitting on a desk with my Outlook open. I start writing an email:

Hi xxx, 
Hope all is well. It's been a learning experience working with you for the
past seven months. I am letting you know that I would like to put in my
2-week notice. I do not belong to this space even though I dedicated 60% of
my life to it.
I am wrapping up whatever is left on my plate.  
Cheers, 
Ali

I was fresh out of graduate school (Golden, beautiful Colorado) when I started as a Tunnel engineer at a consulting company I had been negotiating with for an offer for a year. I was 33 yo back then. The offer for me was to move to NYC from CO, finish a project within 3 months, then head to Seattle as my permanent location with the company. It’s been seven months into my first ever job and I the landscape appears absurd and vague. The salary range in that specific industry, for a newbie, falls anywhere from $60K to $90K depending upon location and demand. I was at the max end of that range.

The paychecks felt empowering. I could afford nice things. I could throw parties if I wanted to. I could afford a relationship now. I got numb to such perks in a few months. The job was mundane. Had to explain basic reasoning (common sense) to higher ups. Repeat the tasks over and over and over again. Cha Ching! The bi-weekly check got deposited into my account. The day after, I am thinking about when the next smoke break is going to be so that I escape out of that cubical for a bit. No trace of that beautiful feeling of getting paid. Questions spinning in my head back then:

“What values are you delivering that required 13 years of your time and effort? What critical problems are you solving really? How much are you worth per hour?”

I did not have answers to those questions. In fact, none of my colleagues did. Those questions had barely crossed their minds. I go back to my cubical at the 62nd floor of the Empire State Building. Everything looks small and negligible from up there. Buildings, cars, people. Even my worries. I see no point in fooling myself. But not brave enough to embrace myself. Nevertheless, I did not want to fake it. Soon, I am contemplating on the best exit strategy. Now my head is filled with what others will think of me if I pull this trigger. My parents, friends, professional network, and even the postman (we used to talk). There is no exit strategy, in fact. There is “unknown management” strategy I had to first see and then embrace.

Having lived in Seattle, one of the tech hubs, I am surrounded with folks working in the tech sector. The ones I know work whenever from wherever they desire. And most of them make twice as me back then. Now I ponder. Ponder upon opportunities ahead and opportunity cost I have already been paying. I am going anecdotal, I had plenty of exposure to data, math, computer vision and all that during my PhD studies. Curiosity and creativity are among the pillars to my character. So is the money. Those are what I see when I see myself in the mirror. Seems like tech is a viable plan B. Did quite a bit of research, lots of calls to everyone I knew in the tech industry. I am fantasizing myself as a business intelligence or data scientist. I press enter. Send that email. two weeks fast forward, I do not know where I am anymore. I am officially lost.

Takeaway 1: In the end, ain’t matter how many alternatives I have in my arsenal as long as I am afraid of facing myself. I encourage myself to step into the unknown. This is where I am going to fail. Many times. Thus, I am going to learn many times. Failures define you. They do not defy you.

six months after sending that email, I am almost done with my saving. Been studying like a beast ever since. I have a girlfriend now, living together. Struggling to pay the rent. And I have not yet landed a job. How can I afford living up here if I cannot make money? I do not want to go back to Civil. Period. I am pondering again. Talking to my closest friend, we decide to launch an online apparel shop. We named it “Dana”. Both of us have strong background in design and manufacturing. We came up with the idea and the name in an Italian restaurant somewhere in New York. I vividly remember jotting down “Dana” on a piece of napkin. I was full of inspiration. The whole idea, from spark to funeral, lasted about 9 months. Got the website up and running, had some unique apparel and jewelry designs that were inspired by our long exposure to engineering, and even had micro-contractors overseas putting the clothing line together. We never launched. My buddy had gotten the second job, I literally had zero buck to make ends meet. I had to let go. I had to make money. I spent around 600 hours on Dana!

Takeaway 2: When you are hungry, grocery shopping will be inefficient. Simply put, I needed money so bad, I was blind to the fact that building a brand takes effort, sweat, patience, and above all, financial cushion. Shortcuts never existed!

It is almost 10 am, November 14, 2021, a rare sunny day in Seattle. I am applying for a few positions. I receive an email saying the car payment is 2 months past due. Payments must be made to avoid going to collection. I close out of LinkedIn. Open up the App Store, downloading the “Uber Driver” app. Bringing myself to become a driver took a toll on me on many levels. The past 15 years was played before my eyes in a tiny moment. I feel downgraded, unworthy, witnessing the self-esteem being slaughtered before my eyes. My girlfriend is in the kitchen. I go to the bathroom. I am crying silently. I am giving my first ride the same day. After a week into it, I realize I can utilize the standstill time and prep for potential interviews. My laptop, books, and notes are sitting next to me in the front passenger seat. I even read while awaiting a red light to turn green. I now can take my girl out twice a week. But with a pile of financial concerns. I can see in her eyes that she is embarrassed about the situation. About me. And about us. And she had every right. Her birthday’s coming up and I working double shift (12 hours a day) to be able to afford an Apple Watch for her. I got it for her. She was full of joy. I go to the bathroom. I cry again. I was watching myself going down. With everything that mattered to me. After doing Uber for about a year, I landed a job as a data scientist with a startup down in LA. The offer was interesting. I was required to work the first two months for free so that the ones in charge could “evaluate” my performance. Upon satisfaction, my starting monthly paycheck was $2,000 for the first two months. After which it got incrementally increased to $6,000 after ten months. I accepted the offer. Believe it or not, it was the only option besides driving. I kept driving until the first paycheck came in. I was feeling human again. I took shower more regularly. I played violin and piano more regularly. I could breathe again. I could build it back up again. I could give her better experiences. Going 8 months fast forward into the job, I had multiple promotions, and everyone was super happy. No more driving Uber for Ali.

I had around half of a year to think about the journey, experiences, self-perception, and the quest for more money. Every time I am reflecting, I go in front of a mirror. Maintain eye contact with the character in the mirror and talk. I go: I felt “downgraded” quite a few times. My confidence dropped to rock bottom. But did I do anything wrong or illegal? Was there something sketchy or bad about driving people around? If you look at it from an unbiased point of view, it is a job that pays you decent. So why do you think you felt downgraded? After having multiple rounds of reflection and conversation with the gentleman in the mirror, I realize it is the “expectations”. The whole life is a game of expectations and adjustments. As Eddie Pinero, the creator of “Your World Within” podcast, puts it:

Life is a game of expectations NOT perfections.

I tried to formulate what Eddie said because I had an Aha moment as soon as I heard it. I got hooked. I wanted to dig deeper and come up with my own interpretation of it. I’d blame it on my math background. Here it goes

Figure 1. Formulating happiness. Illustration was created by the author.

Now I know what made me feel downgraded. Unrealistic expectations. Unhealthy optimism without the ability to maneuver dynamically. And caring about what people may think of me profoundly contributed to shaping such expectations. As Ali puts it: Expectation’s the devil.

Takeaway 3: Do NOT marry your past nor the journey. It is imperative to stay fluid. To adjust. To learn. To live with whatever is available. To see what I am cut out for. To avoid sacrificing my core values for what people may think of me. In the game of life, expectations are my own creation.

I have already switched career once. I hit the rock bottom and recovered to some degree. Now I am less scared of losing what I have. Less attachment. Having the direct exposure to the world of software, extensive experiences in design and art, strikingly high reading hours, the hunger to learn further, and to make more money drove me to potentially expanding my income horizon. All I am trying to do now is to connect the dots. From what I enjoy doing, to what is needed out there, to what people are willing to spend bucks on.

I came across a YouTube video on how they were able to pull in a yearly 6 figure revenue on Upwork platform, an online marketplace known for freelancing. I wanted to test the water there, so I get to work by making a profile, studying the successful folks there, researching SEO, learning about proposal writing and so forth. As soon as my 5 to 9 job is over, I go to Upwork and keep working for a few hours. Kept doing that for about 2 months. I was marketing myself as a data scientist and a technical product manager, in each of which I had a fair amount of experience. I spent approximately 240 hours on that platform. One prospect client reached out after I submitted my proposal for their project. He asked: “What is the breakdown of costs if I were to do this and that?”. He never got back to me. That was the only beam of hope that disappeared into thin air. I thought about the hours I sank in a chair starring at the computer screen who bore no good news. I started the whole endeavor with minimal expectations in mind. It is still painful to not succeed. However, I did not take it personally this time. Not as much as I used to. I go in front of the mirror and have this conversation with the character in the mirror:

Takeaway 3: Consistency is the secret sauce. It not a game of hours, it is a game of persistence. Life only grants you “starting lines”. There is NO “finish line”. I can only start a gig, a relationship, a connection, or a journey. Those 240 hours will never expire. I traded my time to learn. Even though I wanted to earn.

This is getting out of control and too long. Chances are you are bored by now. I am planning to publish the second part of the article in a few days. Hope I made you aware of something. Hope I was of some help. Love you!