Notes post Zen meditation retreat

Aline Müller
Jul 24, 2017 · 4 min read

I recently returned from a intro retreat to Zen buddhism, where we meditated about six hours a day, did a bit of yoga, worked to keep the temple (e.g. gardening, cooking, sewing) and remained fully silent for three days. Despite the stillness of the meditations, the retreat was full of events, from severe pain in my back and neck, uncontrollable desire to walk in round movements (as in almost dancing) and experiences that made me question whether I was hallucinating (and assured later by the Roshi, the buddhist priest, that no, I wasn’t, really).

For about a year I have been meditating pretty much daily but never followed a specific school, always jumping from one technique to another, so to have a taste of all that is out there. It has helped me a great deal to reduce anxiety but for a while I have not felt much progress in my practice. There are so many different lines of Buddhism out there and one thing I always appreciated is how buddhists tend to be open that their way might not be the way for you. “Come and try it out, and if it does not do it for you, try something else”. I dare a catholic priest to say that to me about any other christian religion. But as the Roshi told me “even though all roads lead to Rome, you will never get there if you keep on changing the road in the beginning instead of just walking on it for real”. So after the retreat I committed myself to practicing zen meditation every day for 25 minutes for the next 30 days and see what happens in this road.

Now in my 10th day of zen meditation I can trace a few things that have been happening to me:

- Zen is very strict about sitting positions and keeping 100% still throughout the meditation session. Hard at first, now it has been so much easier to keep a good posture. I have barely been using the backrest of chairs and couches for example, and using my standing table at work more than ever.

- It has been a lot harder to try to do two things at the same time. There is a greater need to be present in one thing instead of breaking myself in two. And that is even for “simpler” things, for instance, listening to music as I do housework or walk on the street has been almost impossible. I can sort of have calm background music as I work, but I have actually stopped in the middle of work once with a tear in my eye because a song was so beautiful I needed to check what was that. One day I really wanted to listen to a podcast episode as I walked on the street and the only way I managed to do it was by looking more towards the floor to avoid distractions in my sight.

- I am starting to have better recall of what I dreamed at night and the feelings that emerged during the dream. At the same time, I have a better recall of events during the day that I tend to forget, such as locking doors and putting things on my bag. And this is even for days when the meditation sitting did not go that well, that is, I somewhat daydreamed during meditation. Meaning that zen practice is not limited to the meditation session but how you conduct your activities throughout the day, as mindful as possible.

- It is also clearer that I am not my emotions. Moments of sadness and happiness invade me out of nowhere and leave me after 5 minutes or so. Like when I heard the beautiful song and dropped a tear. When they hit me I just acknowledge them, sometimes with a tear, sometimes with a smile, and watch them as they go, giving a new internal understanding to “letting go”. That is to say, feelings go away on their own if you do not hold to them. This understanding has also made me more open and aware of my feelings.

- I am very annoyed by the voice in my head that is constantly narrating my life to me as a sports commentator, that is, as my life goes in front of my eyes. It feels stupid to have some voice in your head that tells “you are sad” when you are in fact feeling it, or “now I am going to go to drink some water and answer that email” when I am in fact moving to do these things. A certain repulse for language, for translating feelings and thoughts to language instead of being able to just feel and be it. If I was to set a goal for my practice it would be to shut down this commentator and see how would that life experience be.

- There is no point in comparing one day of practice to another. This is far from linear, it is ups and downs ups and downs. The positive side of it is that it starts making sense to not practice just to reach one specific goal, you just do it because you do it, because you know it is the best for you to do.

Have you tried zen or another specific meditation school for a while? I would love to hear about your first experiences if you would like to share them with me.

Aline Müller

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Always expanding🌪We are perfect as we are and we need to grow. Navigating the complexity of being.

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