Are You Sure Your Knowledge Is Correct?
This is a translation of a Japanese blog post published on April 1 by KaoRi, renowned photographer Nobuyoshi Araki’s longtime model. I contacted KaoRi about translating her post, and she gave me the permission to publish this article in hopes of saving people in a similar position and preventing something like this from happening to models again.
I wanted to share this powerful firsthand account of mistreatment in the art world because it has been an overlooked subject for far too long, especially when it comes to female models often referred to as “muses.” Profiting off of vulnerable bodies and not compensating models for their time, energy and talent needs to stop. Please also read this article by the Huffington Post that includes an interview with KaoRi about living as a muse.
A little while back, people were talking about the Araki exhibition at the Museum of Sex in New York on social media. I had a lot to say, but it was important for me to take my time to address something so important, so I missed the timing. It was a lot harder than expected to revisit past memories that I locked up and decide to face the truth. I didn’t want to deny everything just because I was angry, and I also didn’t want to scream out to the world that my whole life was ruined because of him. I wanted to understand how each of us were feeling and end it on good terms. At the end of the day, I realized that we will never understand each other, but I think I’ve been able to reconcile my feelings.
In an age when artists like Mario Testino (I’ll talk about this another time), Terry Richardson, Kim Ki-duk, Lars Von Trier, Woody Allen and Tarantino are being accused, foreign journalists have been really interested in this Araki exhibition. They’ve shown interest in the relationship between photographers and models as well, and some of them worried about me, thinking “maybe she can’t speak up because she’ll be bashed like Shiori-san.” There were also articles describing me as “his current partner and muse.” It was painful to see people confused and unclear about the truth, so I decided to put it in my own words even though it scares me so much. If I end up destroying the dreams of photography fans, I’m sorry. Whether you believe my story or not, regardless of the Me Too movement, if you use my story as one perspective to view his art, that’s enough for me. That’s how I understand my role. This is going to be a little long. This is a story from when my entire life was about spending time with an artist– an artist who had daily visits from international celebrities telling him, “You’re my hero!”
I was Araki’s model from 2001 to 2016. During that time, our relationship was only photographer and model; we were never lovers. I never visited his house and I never tried to destroy his private life. The photo above is from when I was photographed for the first time. I wasn’t nude– I guess he felt he should be considerate for my first shoot. I followed my dream to be a dancer and even studied abroad, but I realized being in a dance company wasn’t for me. I went back and forth between Tokyo and Paris. This a photo of me from when I was young and trying to find a way to express myself in new ways. It was at a studio in Roppongi that’s now gone, behind Meiji-ya. After this shoot, I danced, posed nude, and wore kimono in this studio. When we were outside of the studio, I ate, slept, took baths, drew… He started to photograph me without missing a single moment.
In the beginning, I was just being photographed and I was never told how those photos would be used. When I worked with photographers abroad before this, I would always have to sign an agreement, I would check the photos after the shoot and would be given several prints. I would always sign agreements whenever the photos were published. There were clauses about royalty. When I first posed nude, I asked the makeup artist about this and they told me, “Araki doesn’t have stuff like that,” and “This is normal in Japan.” I thought, someone as famous as Araki would never treat me poorly. Now I realize that for someone as famous as Araki, it’s unusual to have no contracts, but I was too young and naive. My biggest mistake was to become too friendly with him to the point where I couldn’t talk about it. I sacrificed myself by being polite.
Several years since I was just one of his many favorite models, all of a sudden I was being called a muse and I started to go to exhibition openings, interviews and other public events, leading to more and more of my time being sacrificed. Without my prior knowledge, photos of me became published books and DVDs with my name in the title, sold all around the world. I did many dance performances that he called “live shootings.” I was compensated for some of the shoots, but I was rarely paid for my dance performances. Besides the petty allowance I was given after shoots, I was never paid no matter how much time I gave up, no matter how many books were published under my name. I had to support myself in other ways. It was really difficult. Still, I was told that it was embarrassing to discuss money as an artist and that I would be able to express myself in greater ways after I overcame these challenges. I didn’t know what to say to him. I started believing in his personal philosophy of “Private Photography (Shishashin)”, that “Photos are about relationships”, “Love”, “Muse”, and felt like I was contributing to his art.
But behind all of that that, I grew more and more tired. When I look back, everything was excessive and extreme. I was being asked to do things that were so out of the ordinary, there must have been a part of me that was numb to have acted like it was normal. Being Araki’s muse and being myself were very distinct. When I think about it, it was very unhealthy of me to conceal my real self and live like I was in hiding.
To maintain the image of his art, or maybe because he liked attention, he would tell made up stories about me in TV and magazine interviews, create and sell one book after the other without me knowing, give them titles like “KaoRi Sex Diary” without my consent, make me pose in extreme ways in front of audiences, take all the credit for my performances… Once I went to the studio for what I thought was a shoot, but when I arrived he was being photographed and I was told to post nude in front of strangers. This happened more than once. Even when I told him I didn’t want to do it, he told me, “They aren’t here to shoot you, they’re here to shoot me.” I was forced into a situation where I couldn’t say no. Besides that, I was constantly hurt by daily harassment and stalking, fake videos of me disseminated on the internet, and friends who believed in the lies. All the stress made me faint in the street more than once, and there were also times when I thought I would be murdered if I closed my eyes. There were days where I was afraid for my life. Whenever this would happen to me, I would ask Araki to improve my working conditions but he would alway come back with, “I don’t know,” “I forgot,” “I didn’t say that,” “I have nothing to do with that,” “the editor wrote that,” “I don’t have a phone or a laptop so I don’t know. It’s your fault for looking. It’s your fault for caring.” He would evade any responsibility and I was left to face my broken life alone. I felt like he was forcing things onto me– someone he didn’t feel responsible for–that his wife used to accept.
As time went on, I started to see his real self: someone who wants to look good to others but doesn’t care for people close to him. As he says publicly, Araki just wants to take photos and he doesn’t care about the subject at all. It took me time to realize that his photos were actually “fake.” Caught in between the feeling of wanting to leave and thinking that nothing will be improved even after I leave because I have no voice, I started to believe that I had to be his muse until the end. There was also a part of me that wanted to believe in someone I once trusted until the very end. Seeing him change from his illness, I might have developed complicated feelings for him as well.
By Araki publically spreading the idea that I was a “mysterious woman who does anything,” my private life was plagued by stalkers for a long time. People followed me, broke into my home and stole photos, went through my trash and left strange postcards in my mailbox. When I had to move to a place with higher security, he said, “That’s my fault? Isn’t there a mistake? How can they enter your home without a key?” He didn’t believe me and just gave me a small amount of money. I couldn’t go to the police, so I had to cover the cost of hiring a detective and moving house. The increasing burden of mental and financial stress started to show physical signs, and I worried that I would come down with a major illness.
I felt that I couldn’t continue to live like this no matter what other people thought, so I decided to stop pretending to be “mysterious” in my private life. I wanted to lead a private life that was separate from that other world. Once my plan was on track, his careless words and actions started to destroy my life once again. Sometimes he would portray me like someone important in his life, calling me “my woman” and saying “I can’t die as long as I have my muse.” Other times he would call me a “prostitute” or “a woman not worth buying a house for,” saying “I don’t know anything about her private life.” I looked forward to an NHK shoot once, where I was told to bring my blue dress because “NHK can’t show nude bodies”. However, the moment where he exposed my breasts saying, “I hope NHK shows tits” made it into the final cut and was broadcasted along with my profile. The influence of national television was very, very powerful.
The media communicated that anything a famous artist does is justified and glorified. I distrusted their judgement.
Based on his long career and especially from his experience photographing his wife, he should have understood how women change over the years and decide, “I don’t want to be shot anymore. I don’t want to be exposed to the public anymore.” However, he never listened to how his name and actions have international impact, and how that impact ended up hurting me. He continued to treat me like an object and never once tried to improve his behavior.
In February 2016, my patience had come to an end and I sent a letter to him with demands to improve my working conditions. He simply called me saying, “I’ll get back to you” and ignored me for months. At a certain point he prohibited me from calling him, but when I finally gave in and called, he agreed to meet me only to go back on his promise and get angry. He created a document with my name in it saying, “I agree to never act in a defamatory way and obstruct the business of Araki LLC,” and I was pressured to sign it. After he read the entire document out loud and I heard my name at the end of it, I really felt like I was pushed over the edge. I felt like I was going insane. I refused to sign it again and again, but he threatened me saying, “I’m sick so show me some compassion,” “If you don’t sign it I won’t be able to go on,” “Don’t act out of line.” I felt for him and was forced into submitting the document. That’s how all my shoots in June 2016 were cancelled and I was fired from the role of “the muse.” He basically told me to disappear. After that, I received a letter from the representative woman of Araki LLC. The letter ended with, “I hope you continue to be our best muse.” After all of this, after letting me die alone, I just couldn’t forgive those words. I sent that letter to Araki and tried to get him to admit that his company also took part in harassing me. Of course, I got no response as usual. I tried to tell myself that he was just jealous, but with no one on my side, I felt like I was being bullied. I completely lost my sense of self-respect. To this day, when I see photos of me continued to be used in exhibitions, it brings me back to this time.
In the world of art, the lives of muses are mythologized and made into beautiful and tragic tales. I started to believe that I had to contribute to his art by dying the death of a lonely and mysterious muse. I seriously considered suicide. I had a time in mind and acted towards it. I started an Instagram to serve as my will. I was almost there. That’s when a student of my ballet class who was also a writer suddenly died. It was reported as a mysterious death. It’s too late to really find out how she died, but when I read her blog I found my exact feeling put into words. I couldn’t stop crying. This might be inappropriate, but that’s when I woke up. For her sake, I thought I couldn’t let this world be a place for more mysterious and unnatural deaths, a place for unjust suicides. To the person involved, there’s no “mystery.”
At the time, choreographing and performing a dance dedicated to her and bottling up my emotions was the most I could do. Just when I felt like I was able to control my emotions, the Me Too movement started in America. When I learned about the movement, I realized that I didn’t need to devote myself to his lies anymore and sought advice from the police, lawyers and other professionals everyday. Part of me wanted to let my emotions rule and cry out immediately, but considering my relationship with Araki, it was important for me to be careful. It was a really painful experience having my naivete, love and compassion judged by others with an objective and calm eye. I learned that he had accepted requests from models to stop exhibiting their photos in the past, so I thought I won’t say that my photos shouldn’t be exhibited ever again, but there should be rules and he should admit that he went too far. I wanted an opportunity for discussion. Through the help of a lawyer, I was finally able to make this request in mid-February this year.
The response I got in March was along the lines of, “I only made you a model because you came to my office asking to be photographed. Private Photography (Shishashin) is a unique form of expression recognized by critics and there are no business aspects to these relationships. Therefore, there can’t be any rules or agreements. They’re all for you to decide. Otherwise, my art wouldn’t exist. That’s why there’s no ‘going too far.’ I don’t need to discuss how these photographs should be handled in the future.” On top of that, he said “I don’t want to have hostile exchanges over paper, I want to have a peaceful discussion in person. However, I’ve completely lost any will to make you my model again.” After cutting me off completely, he told me he lost his will to make me his model. He ignored all my personal letters so I had to get help from a lawyer, and even still the Shakyo Roujin (photo-obsessed old man) continued to crush my feelings. It was more than unusual, it was pathetic. I never got a response from the representative woman either.
After being a model for 16 years, I had built nothing. I had nothing. I finally understood and accepted that it was because there was no substance to my role. I think I deeply understood Araki’s photography too. I was the one who interpreted the definition of Private Photography (Shishashin) on my own terms and allowed myself to be manipulated. I was also the one who worked too hard under the belief that I was contributing to art. I felt that there was no need to have a discussion with someone who doesn’t want to hear how their actions hurt others. That’s why I want my failure to inspire people and futures that are about to change, as well as encourage people who are going through similar experiences as me. I was encouraged by many #metoo stories. I don’t want any more models hiding behind the mask of art, hurting in the shadows. I also want this to be an opportunity to think about the art of photography. It’s taken me until now to really grasp the horrors of photography, an artform where once you’re shot, the photos will remain even after your death.
Thanks to the development of social media, we now live in an age where your passion can lead to professional opportunities. I see the hashtag #ModelsWanted a lot. It’s a wonderful thing to turn your passion into a job, but it’s also true that you have to protect yourself. There are a lot of freelance models as well as people who want to try it out. When something happens to you, the presence of a contract is going to be very important. That’s how legal action becomes possible. No matter how friendly you are with the photographer, don’t compromise on a contract that both of you are happy with. Also, engrave it in your mind that no matter how hard you try as a model, in the end the photos will become the photographer’s.
This is the book that Araki gave me when I was about to explode from all the stress, on the day that became my last shoot. “Here, this is your birthday present!” he said.
I flipped through the book while I was getting my makeup done and this sentence jumped out at me. To think that for 16 years I was working for someone who can laugh and say something like this in this day and age, and that I enabled him… I felt sick. Looking back, I really was swallowed by the mentality of “seniority, honor and misogyny.” I was losing it. I’m handing his words back to him through the title of this blog post.
It’s a little disappointing to end my relationship with someone who showed me a new world and who I respected in this way. However, growing older and gaining more experience doesn’t put you above people. Today, I appreciate that I learned a lot through his negative example and I’m consciously working towards creating a brighter future through my mistakes.
Mythology, the size of our universe… Truth always contains contradictions.
From now on, I want to live my life by believing in myself and cherishing every single day.
Many of you are starting new lives. Whatever your job may be, if there’s something that feels wrong, question it, think about it, talk about it and distance yourself from it. If you’re in a disturbed place, you’ll be swallowed by it and you won’t be able to make fair decisions. Believe in your physical reactions and don’t lie to yourself. Don’t shy away just because you’re young. Please believe that you are a part of a generation that will build new values. Even if things don’t go as planned, that won’t be the end of the world. When you step outside, you’ll find that a completely different world will be waiting for you. Even though you’ll want to blame other people sometimes, it’s a waste of time. If it becomes really serious, take a trip by yourself. While you’re able to shift your perspective, you can change pain into kindness and your experiences will come in handy someday. If you see a crisis as an opportunity, it might help you feel better. If you change, and if other people see that change, you can change society for the better. It will be a small change, but believe in it.
If you are in a position of power, please recognize your weakness along with your strength. You could be pushing your weakness onto the people under you without even realizing it. Don’t interrupt the opinions of people in a less powerful position, and listen to what they have to say until the end. In this day and age, it’s not an uncool thing to admit you’re wrong and apologize. Just because you’re comfortable, don’t reject youth and novelty. Please strive for a complementary relationship of supporting each other.
I hope that the world develops into a place where we can all respect each other, regardless of our status.
Living well is the best revenge.
KaoRi.
More where this came from
This story is published in Noteworthy, where thousands come every day to learn about the people & ideas shaping the products we love.
Follow our publication to see more product & design stories featured by the Journal team.
