Baywatch on Gchat
ALYSSA: i am literally dying to tell you about Baywatch: The Movie
(or at least the parts I can remember)
ALISON: do you only see movies with THE ROCK now?
i feel like you do, and I support that
ALYSSA:Yes, of course. Do people see other movies?
ALISON: I don’t even know if there ARE other movies
ALYSSA: Yeah me neither.
ALISON: did you watch the tv show baywatch?
ALYSSA: Not consistently. And I think that hurt me during my viewing of The Movie.
ALISON: I could see that
ALYSSA: Ok so, the movie begins with Dwayne Johnson just like, being great.
ALISON: that’s literally all he ever does
ALYSSA: Yeah it’s like some big action scene where he saves someone’s life. Like very casually.
ALISON: is this in the water?
i will need you to specify when they are in water vs when they are not in water
ALYSSA: Yeah in the water.
ALISON: got it.
ALYSSA: Well, this may surprise you, but they’re not in the water frequently.
ALISON: hmmm, i imagined this as like, sexy lifeguard Waterworld. is that wrong?
ALYSSA: Yes, that’s wrong.
It’s more like, beach adjacent lifeguard Spy Kids?
ALISON: sure, sure.
ALYSSA: So anyway, he saves someone. And they do some weird scenes just showcasing how he is like, beloved by the people in Baywatch City (or whatever it’s called)
ALISON: Baywatch City sounds right
ALYSSA: I’m sure I’m skipping some stuff but basically they’re having Baywatch Lifeguard Try Outs.
Because you know they don’t just GIVE you that job
You have to try out.
ALISON: oh yeah, most jobs are try outs
not interviews or resumes
just physical challenge competitions
ALYSSA: Yup. So then Zac Efron shows up. And he’s like, on a motorcycle. But guess what?
ALYSSA: He just won two gold medals at the Olympics. As a swimmer!
ALISON: of course he did
he’s basically all of the greek gods rolled into one
ALYSSA: Yes. But he’s also a bad boy.
ALISON: does he know michael phelps or the shark???
ALYSSA: Probably both.
ALYSSA: Turns out he was actually asked to be a part of the lifeguard team by his parole officer?
ALYSSA: Or like, he’s there serving some community service sentence
ALISON: He could serve a sentence in MY community
i’m very sorry
ALYSSA:No apology needed.
But just know that after watching this movie I feel decidedly less attracted to him.
And much MORE attracted to that blonde chick.
ALISON: Oh, well, duh. okay so Efron on a bike saving lives to avoid jail?
ALYSSA: Yes! Turns out he went out drinking at the Olympics because sure and then when it came time to swim the relay, he threw up in the pool.
ALISON: uh, sure.
ALYSSA: And embarrassed himself and his team and his country.
ALISON: he barfed in a pool and they make him be a LIFEGUARD?
punishment fits the crime
ALYSSA: They called him ‘The Vomit Comet’ which you could tell the writer of this movie thought was going to be HILARIOUS.
ALISON: oh no no no
ALYSSA: I know. So anyway none of the lifeguards know that he’s in trouble with the law. They think he’s just a dick because he refuses to try out to be a lifeguard.
Like even as I write this I’m just remembering how insanely stupid and dull this whole movie was.
ALISON: that’s so disappointing because i very much enjoyed the tv show
ALYSSA: Yeah those days are gone.
Ok so simultaneously, there’s a plot line about how this chubby kid who DEFINITELY weighs less than I do but you know, is the Fat One and how he’s obsessed with the hot blonde chick
because duh who isn’t
ALISON: i mean, I’M obsessed with her
so, i get it kid
ALYSSA: He chokes, literally, and she gives him the heimlich
but then he gets a boner and that gets stuck in a deck chair
ALYSSA: but like, that is an actual scene in the movie.
ALISON: that got written down and approved
ALYSSA:the woman next to me watching was like DYING laughing
and i was like, great we are all going to die
because this is our world now
ALISON: yeah that’s the beginning of the end
ALYSSA: so then they have tryouts. and that other cute brunette girl is trying out too.
and that’s who Zac has his eye on.
ALISON: so i have a chance!
So some kids fall off the pier.
ALISON: kids are dumb
ALYSSA: And the lifeguards save them.
And then Zac Efron also tries to save them
and everyone is like, dude can you not
ALISON: go throw up somewhere
ALYSSA: Yup. So Summer (the brunette) and the Fat One become lifeguards. And eventually Zac Efron does too.
After he and The Rock sort of like, make jokes at each other
ALISON: is the hot blonde already a lifeguard?
ALYSSA: Yes she’s already on the team.
ALISON: does the rock like zac efron?
or are they like, weirdly competitive?
ALYSSA: No he thinks he’s like, a spoiled brat.
ALISON: okay understood (and fair)
ALYSSA: Yeah but he’s like, willing to take a chance on him.
Zac is also weirdly staying with him. Because he has no money ?? And is a foster kid.
ALISON: i mean, of course he is
ALYSSA: By the way, I’m cutting out SO much.
ALISON: broke foster kid olympic swimmer disgrace
ALYSSA: There are so many unnecessary plot moments.
Yes. Foster kid turns swimmer phenom turns felon turns lifeguard.
ALISON: the classic story
ALYSSA: All that’s missing is an imaginary friend!
Anyway, this woman drives up on the beach. She’s hot. And she owns the local country club
She invites all the lifeguards to a happy hour.
ALISON: i love a drunk lifeguard
makes me feel safe
ALYSSA: Oh yeah. But before they go to the party, they have to lifeguard.
And that starts by rescuing some girls from a boat that’s completely engulfed by flames.
ALISON: fire boat
isn’t that just the sequel to Speed?
ALYSSA: Oh could be!
One guy dies in the fire.
ALYSSA: Two dumb girls get rescued but they’re like high? So no one cares about them.
Like, they go out of their way to explain how these women don’t matter.
ALISON: movies don’t need to do that, we know women don’t matter!
So they start explaining how they found some drug on the boat and how they think that the country club lady is running a drug ring.
ALISON: those are some pretty serious dots to connect
ALYSSA: And she killed the guy before he got on the boat. The fire was just a cover up.
I mean Dwayne Johnson knows a clue when he sees one.
ALISON: he really can do no wrong
okay so dead guy drove a boat into the ocean to catch on fire with some drugs and high girls which was maybe orchestrated by a country club hottie
ALYSSA: Yeah basically that.
ALYSSA: So they take that info the police so they can arrest that woman.
And the cops are like, are you even kidding me bruh
You’re a lifeguard.
ALISON: i’m sure there’s a police-lifeguard rift when it comes to fighting sea crime
ALYSSA: Like, seems reasonable.
So they don’t listen to him and decide to go check out the dead body in the morgue.
Oh at some point they do go to the party and Zac is supposed to be the look out but gets drunk and vomits in the pool.
Which I guess is like, his thing
ALISON: look, everyone has a hobby
ours is going for walks
his is pool barfing
ALYSSA: Exactly. Also getting drunk at a country club and barfing in the pool seems like, insanely fun.
ALISON: v up our alley
ALYSSA: Ok so then he and The Rock like make up again.
ALISON: good, i like when they are friends
ALYSSA: They decide to go to the morgue to check out the dead body.
ALISON: chill friend activity
ALYSSA: So chill.
ALISON: get it?
ALYSSA: While they’re in there, there’s a legit INSANE scene that I’m actually having a hard time typing to you
They are looking at the guy’s dead body (also it’s OSCAR FROM THE OFFICE) so that’s upsetting.
And The Rock plays a hilarious prank where he makes Zac pick up the guy’s penis.
ALYSSA: And like, hold it for a while.
And he takes a picture.
Like ha ha ha ha what a hilarious prank.
ALISON: define “a while.”
ALYSSA: more than 30 seconds
ALISON: no no no
ALYSSA: It’s demented. Like they clearly meant it to be funny which is even weirder?
ALISON: yes, def weirder
ALYSSA: So then these two thugs come in — who presumably work for that drug lady — and so The Rock and Zac and Summer (the brunette) climb into morgue drawers.
ALISON: morgue drawers would be a good band name
ALYSSA: Yes! Also the name of my upcoming memoir.
ALISON: Lotta action at the morgue in baywatch city!
ALYSSA: So some gross goop is dropping on Zac’s face so then the thugs find them. Even though Summer has been filming them so they would have had evidence! Of the drug ring!! AND THE MURDERS!
ALISON: she’s a brunette, so we know she’s “the smart one”
ALYSSA: So smart. But since Zac is an idiot, they get caught and the thugs destroy the phone.
ALISON: ugh, zac. get it together.
ALYSSA: After that, they decide to go undercover at the country club. In drag.
Well Zac’s in drag.
ALISON: seems unnecessary?
what was he wearing?
and did The Rock put on a wig?
ALYSSA: He was wearing a mini skirt and a hat.
No The Rock was a chef.
Literally made no sense.
So they try to get more evidence but then there’s another (!) dead body on the beach
And The Rock gets in trouble
ALISON: they should call it dead body city, not baywatch city
ALYSSA: Because he really needs to be making sure there are no dead bodies on the beach
anyway, The Rock gets fired.
ALISON: OH NO
ALYSSA: and Zac gets his job
even though he’s been a lifeguard for like, a week
and there are tons of others who have been there for years
ALISON: is he the captain? or like chief lifeguard?
ALYSSA: yeah he’s like, ‘Lieutenant’
ALYSSA:He gets a job at Sprint.
ALISON: The Rock did?
ALISON: that would legit make me switch wireless carriers
ALYSSA: This is an actual movie that got made.
ALISON: it’s pretty shocking.
ALYSSA: So everyone is mad at Zac and he keeps calling the rock but no answer
which, ironic because he works at a cell phone store.
ALISON: bad sprint service?
ALYSSA: hahaha yup
ALISON: yes, very well written irony
ALYSSA: He can’t hear you now.
ALISON: wait that guy died
i mean switched
anyway, back to baywatch
ALYSSA: hahahaha he died.
They realize that the drug lady is having some big party
on a yacht
ALISON: the best parties are on yachts, so that tracks
ALYSSA: Yeah and they figure out all the drugs are in the hull of the ship
ALISON: hulla cool
(i am again very sorry)
ALYSSA: I mean, insanely cool
So they all get on the boat. Side note: blonde chick is looking GREAT
she looks amazing all movie
and is actually not a bad actor
So good for her you know?
ALISON: she could be covered in garbage and i would still be attracted to her
oh yeah, that’s terrific
ALYSSA: She’s a literal smoke show.
Anyway, Zac goes under the boat, but gets caught. And his friends go to rescue some asian man? who the drug lady captured?
ALISON: how diverse!
ALYSSA: It’s part of some other plot where she’s like buying up all the land in Baywatch city
ALISON: she would
ALYSSA: Right. So they trap Zac in a shark cage
And throw him in the bay
ALISON: good god
ALYSSA: and in my head i was like, bye bae
ALISON: right, no one comes back from that
except then The Rock sees David Hasselhoff at the Sprint Store
and is convinced he should go back to being a lifeguard
ALISON: hasselhoff really feels like a cricket wireless guy
was he shirtless and eating a burger on the floor?
ALYSSA: Clothes on, looking a littttttttttle rough
Not quite burger on the floor
but not far from it either.
ALISON: sounds right
ALYSSA: After that, The Rock miraculously saves Zac from the bottom of the bay
because time has no meaning in this movie
ALISON: i wouldn’t expect the laws of time or even physics to apply to any of this
(namely blonde girl’s body)
ALYSSA: Oh seriously.
After I’m done telling you about this movie, I’m just going to google her while I eat a McFlurry.
So Zac is saved and then they go find the drug lady. And she’s like good god why won’t you die
Which, fair. Because she did put one of them in a cage on the sea floor.
ALISON: right, i’d be mad too if i were her
ALYSSA: Me too.
So there’s some big fight scene. The hot girl and the fat guy blow up some fireworks.
Ultimately the rock kills the drug lady.
ALISON: glad they found something to do
how does he kill her?
ALYSSA: With a gun.
He’s an American, Alison!
ALISON: they give you those at the spring store on day one!
ALYSSA: who cares
i have a spring fone
it’s for u
okay wait so, the rock committed a gun murder
efron is alive
ALYSSA: Yes, murder by gun.
ALYSSA: They are heroes!
ALYSSA: Now they finish the movie by having lunch on the pier
And introducing the new chief
It’s Pamela Anderson!
was that her name?
ALYSSA: No because they have a new CJ now
So they call her Casey Jean.
ALISON: well it all really came full circle
ALYSSA: I mean I had such high hopes for this movie.
ALISON: me too, it had all of the trappings of something good
ALYSSA: It never even came close to getting there.
I cut out so much. And it still took me forever to tell you the world’s most boring plot
ALISON: i have one last question: did they play the theme song from the show?
because i like that song
ALYSSA: They did. They did indeed.
ALISON: well then it all works out in the end for me!
ALISON: and i already forget everything you just told me
ALYSSA: Good. That’s for the best
ALISON: the end?
ALYSSA: the end.