Baywatch on Gchat

Alyssa Wolff saw the movie Baywatch and then explained the plot to Alison Leiby over gchat. This is a transcript of that conversation.

ALYSSA: i am literally dying to tell you about Baywatch: The Movie

(or at least the parts I can remember)

ALISON: do you only see movies with THE ROCK now?

i feel like you do, and I support that

ALYSSA:Yes, of course. Do people see other movies?

ALISON: I don’t even know if there ARE other movies

ALYSSA: Yeah me neither.

ALISON: did you watch the tv show baywatch?

ALYSSA: Not consistently. And I think that hurt me during my viewing of The Movie.

ALISON: I could see that

ALYSSA: Ok so, the movie begins with Dwayne Johnson just like, being great.

ALISON: that’s literally all he ever does

ALYSSA: Yeah it’s like some big action scene where he saves someone’s life. Like very casually.

ALISON: is this in the water?

i will need you to specify when they are in water vs when they are not in water

ALYSSA: Yeah in the water.

ALISON: got it.

ALYSSA: Well, this may surprise you, but they’re not in the water frequently.

ALISON: hmmm, i imagined this as like, sexy lifeguard Waterworld. is that wrong?

ALYSSA: Yes, that’s wrong.

It’s more like, beach adjacent lifeguard Spy Kids?

ALISON: sure, sure.

ALYSSA: So anyway, he saves someone. And they do some weird scenes just showcasing how he is like, beloved by the people in Baywatch City (or whatever it’s called)

ALISON: Baywatch City sounds right

ALYSSA: I’m sure I’m skipping some stuff but basically they’re having Baywatch Lifeguard Try Outs.

Because you know they don’t just GIVE you that job

You have to try out.

ALISON: oh yeah, most jobs are try outs

not interviews or resumes

just physical challenge competitions

ALYSSA: Yup. So then Zac Efron shows up. And he’s like, on a motorcycle. But guess what?

ALISON: What?

ALYSSA: He just won two gold medals at the Olympics. As a swimmer!

ALISON: of course he did

he’s basically all of the greek gods rolled into one

ALYSSA: Yes. But he’s also a bad boy.

ALISON: does he know michael phelps or the shark???

ALYSSA: Probably both.

ALISON: ooo…sexy

ALYSSA: Turns out he was actually asked to be a part of the lifeguard team by his parole officer?

ALISON: WUT

ALYSSA: Or like, he’s there serving some community service sentence

ALISON: He could serve a sentence in MY community

i’m very sorry

ALYSSA:No apology needed.

But just know that after watching this movie I feel decidedly less attracted to him.

And much MORE attracted to that blonde chick.

ALISON: Oh, well, duh. okay so Efron on a bike saving lives to avoid jail?

ALYSSA: Yes! Turns out he went out drinking at the Olympics because sure and then when it came time to swim the relay, he threw up in the pool.

ALISON: uh, sure.

ALYSSA: And embarrassed himself and his team and his country.

ALISON: he barfed in a pool and they make him be a LIFEGUARD?

punishment fits the crime

ALYSSA: They called him ‘The Vomit Comet’ which you could tell the writer of this movie thought was going to be HILARIOUS.

ALISON: oh no no no

ALYSSA: I know. So anyway none of the lifeguards know that he’s in trouble with the law. They think he’s just a dick because he refuses to try out to be a lifeguard.

Like even as I write this I’m just remembering how insanely stupid and dull this whole movie was.

ALISON: that’s so disappointing because i very much enjoyed the tv show

ALYSSA: Yeah those days are gone.

Ok so simultaneously, there’s a plot line about how this chubby kid who DEFINITELY weighs less than I do but you know, is the Fat One and how he’s obsessed with the hot blonde chick

because duh who isn’t

ALISON: i mean, I’M obsessed with her

so, i get it kid

ALYSSA: He chokes, literally, and she gives him the heimlich

but then he gets a boner and that gets stuck in a deck chair

ALISON: no

ALYSSA: but like, that is an actual scene in the movie.

ALISON: that got written down and approved

ALYSSA:the woman next to me watching was like DYING laughing

and i was like, great we are all going to die

because this is our world now

ALISON: yeah that’s the beginning of the end

ALYSSA: so then they have tryouts. and that other cute brunette girl is trying out too.

and that’s who Zac has his eye on.

ALISON: so i have a chance!

brunettes!

ALYSSA: Yes!

So some kids fall off the pier.

ALISON: kids are dumb

ALYSSA: And the lifeguards save them.

And then Zac Efron also tries to save them

and everyone is like, dude can you not

ALISON: go throw up somewhere

ALYSSA: Yup. So Summer (the brunette) and the Fat One become lifeguards. And eventually Zac Efron does too.

After he and The Rock sort of like, make jokes at each other

ALISON: is the hot blonde already a lifeguard?

ALYSSA: Yes she’s already on the team.

ALISON: does the rock like zac efron?

or are they like, weirdly competitive?

ALYSSA: No he thinks he’s like, a spoiled brat.

ALISON: okay understood (and fair)

ALYSSA: Yeah but he’s like, willing to take a chance on him.

Zac is also weirdly staying with him. Because he has no money ?? And is a foster kid.

ALISON: i mean, of course he is

ALYSSA: By the way, I’m cutting out SO much.

ALISON: broke foster kid olympic swimmer disgrace

ALYSSA: There are so many unnecessary plot moments.

Yes. Foster kid turns swimmer phenom turns felon turns lifeguard.

ALISON: the classic story

ALYSSA: All that’s missing is an imaginary friend!

Anyway, this woman drives up on the beach. She’s hot. And she owns the local country club

She invites all the lifeguards to a happy hour.

ALISON: i love a drunk lifeguard

makes me feel safe

ALYSSA: Oh yeah. But before they go to the party, they have to lifeguard.

And that starts by rescuing some girls from a boat that’s completely engulfed by flames.

ALISON: fire boat

isn’t that just the sequel to Speed?

ALYSSA: Oh could be!

One guy dies in the fire.

ALISON: #sad

ALYSSA: Two dumb girls get rescued but they’re like high? So no one cares about them.

Like, they go out of their way to explain how these women don’t matter.

ALISON: movies don’t need to do that, we know women don’t matter!

ALYSSA: Exactly!

So they start explaining how they found some drug on the boat and how they think that the country club lady is running a drug ring.

ALISON: those are some pretty serious dots to connect

ALYSSA: And she killed the guy before he got on the boat. The fire was just a cover up.

I mean Dwayne Johnson knows a clue when he sees one.

ALISON: he really can do no wrong

okay so dead guy drove a boat into the ocean to catch on fire with some drugs and high girls which was maybe orchestrated by a country club hottie

ish?

ALYSSA: Yeah basically that.

ALISON: cool

ALYSSA: So they take that info the police so they can arrest that woman.

And the cops are like, are you even kidding me bruh

You’re a lifeguard.

ALISON: i’m sure there’s a police-lifeguard rift when it comes to fighting sea crime

ALYSSA: Like, seems reasonable.

So they don’t listen to him and decide to go check out the dead body in the morgue.

Oh at some point they do go to the party and Zac is supposed to be the look out but gets drunk and vomits in the pool.

Which I guess is like, his thing

ALISON: look, everyone has a hobby

ours is going for walks

his is pool barfing

ALYSSA: Exactly. Also getting drunk at a country club and barfing in the pool seems like, insanely fun.

ALISON: v up our alley

ALYSSA: Ok so then he and The Rock like make up again.

ALISON: good, i like when they are friends

ALYSSA: They decide to go to the morgue to check out the dead body.

ALISON: chill friend activity

ALYSSA: So chill.

ALISON: get it?

the morgue

is cold

chill.

ALYSSA: While they’re in there, there’s a legit INSANE scene that I’m actually having a hard time typing to you

They are looking at the guy’s dead body (also it’s OSCAR FROM THE OFFICE) so that’s upsetting.

And The Rock plays a hilarious prank where he makes Zac pick up the guy’s penis.

ALISON: WHAT

ALYSSA: And like, hold it for a while.

And he takes a picture.

Like ha ha ha ha what a hilarious prank.

ALISON: define “a while.”

ALYSSA: more than 30 seconds

ALISON: no no no

this is…troubling.

ALYSSA: It’s demented. Like they clearly meant it to be funny which is even weirder?

ALISON: yes, def weirder

ALYSSA: So then these two thugs come in — who presumably work for that drug lady — and so The Rock and Zac and Summer (the brunette) climb into morgue drawers.

ALISON: morgue drawers would be a good band name

ALYSSA: Yes! Also the name of my upcoming memoir.

ALISON: Lotta action at the morgue in baywatch city!

ALYSSA: So some gross goop is dropping on Zac’s face so then the thugs find them. Even though Summer has been filming them so they would have had evidence! Of the drug ring!! AND THE MURDERS!

ALISON: she’s a brunette, so we know she’s “the smart one”

ALYSSA: So smart. But since Zac is an idiot, they get caught and the thugs destroy the phone.

ALISON: ugh, zac. get it together.

ALYSSA: After that, they decide to go undercover at the country club. In drag.

Well Zac’s in drag.

ALISON: seems unnecessary?

what was he wearing?

and did The Rock put on a wig?

ALYSSA: He was wearing a mini skirt and a hat.

No The Rock was a chef.

Literally made no sense.

So they try to get more evidence but then there’s another (!) dead body on the beach

And The Rock gets in trouble

ALISON: they should call it dead body city, not baywatch city

ALYSSA: Because he really needs to be making sure there are no dead bodies on the beach

anyway, The Rock gets fired.

ALISON: OH NO

ALYSSA: and Zac gets his job

even though he’s been a lifeguard for like, a week

and there are tons of others who have been there for years

ALISON: is he the captain? or like chief lifeguard?

ALYSSA: yeah he’s like, ‘Lieutenant’

ALISON: sure

ALYSSA:He gets a job at Sprint.

ALISON: The Rock did?

ALYSSA: Yup.

ALISON: that would legit make me switch wireless carriers

ALYSSA: This is an actual movie that got made.

ALISON: it’s pretty shocking.

ALYSSA: So everyone is mad at Zac and he keeps calling the rock but no answer

which, ironic because he works at a cell phone store.

ALISON: bad sprint service?

ALYSSA: hahaha yup

ALISON: yes, very well written irony

ALYSSA: He can’t hear you now.

ZAC.

ALISON: wait that guy died

i mean switched

to verizon?

anyway, back to baywatch

ALYSSA: hahahaha he died.

ok

They realize that the drug lady is having some big party

on a yacht

ALISON: the best parties are on yachts, so that tracks

ALYSSA: Yeah and they figure out all the drugs are in the hull of the ship

ALISON: hulla cool

(i am again very sorry)

ALYSSA: I mean, insanely cool

So they all get on the boat. Side note: blonde chick is looking GREAT

she looks amazing all movie

and is actually not a bad actor

So good for her you know?

ALISON: she could be covered in garbage and i would still be attracted to her

oh yeah, that’s terrific

ALYSSA: She’s a literal smoke show.

Anyway, Zac goes under the boat, but gets caught. And his friends go to rescue some asian man? who the drug lady captured?

ALISON: how diverse!

ALYSSA: It’s part of some other plot where she’s like buying up all the land in Baywatch city

ALISON: she would

ALYSSA: Right. So they trap Zac in a shark cage

And throw him in the bay

ALISON: good god

ALYSSA: and in my head i was like, bye bae

ALISON: right, no one comes back from that

ALYSSA: right.

except then The Rock sees David Hasselhoff at the Sprint Store

and is convinced he should go back to being a lifeguard

ALISON: hasselhoff really feels like a cricket wireless guy

was he shirtless and eating a burger on the floor?

ALYSSA: Clothes on, looking a littttttttttle rough

Not quite burger on the floor

but not far from it either.

ALISON: sounds right

ALYSSA: After that, The Rock miraculously saves Zac from the bottom of the bay

because time has no meaning in this movie

ALISON: i wouldn’t expect the laws of time or even physics to apply to any of this

(namely blonde girl’s body)

ALYSSA: Oh seriously.

After I’m done telling you about this movie, I’m just going to google her while I eat a McFlurry.

So Zac is saved and then they go find the drug lady. And she’s like good god why won’t you die

Which, fair. Because she did put one of them in a cage on the sea floor.

ALISON: right, i’d be mad too if i were her

ALYSSA: Me too.

So there’s some big fight scene. The hot girl and the fat guy blow up some fireworks.

Ultimately the rock kills the drug lady.

ALISON: glad they found something to do

how does he kill her?

ALYSSA: With a gun.

He’s an American, Alison!

ALISON: they give you those at the spring store on day one!

ALYSSA: Probably.

ALISON: sprint

ALYSSA: who cares

i have a spring fone

propilly

ALISON: hullo?

it’s for u

okay wait so, the rock committed a gun murder

efron is alive

ALYSSA: Yes, murder by gun.

ALISON: fireworks

ALYSSA: They are heroes!

ALISON: yay!

ALYSSA: Now they finish the movie by having lunch on the pier

And introducing the new chief

It’s Pamela Anderson!

Get it?!?!?!?!

ALISON: CJ!!!!

was that her name?

ALYSSA: No because they have a new CJ now

So they call her Casey Jean.

ALISON: well it all really came full circle

ALYSSA: I mean I had such high hopes for this movie.

ALISON: me too, it had all of the trappings of something good

ALYSSA: It never even came close to getting there.

I cut out so much. And it still took me forever to tell you the world’s most boring plot

ALISON: i have one last question: did they play the theme song from the show?

because i like that song

a LOT

ALYSSA: They did. They did indeed.

ALISON: well then it all works out in the end for me!

ALYSSA: yes!

ALISON: and i already forget everything you just told me

ALYSSA: Good. That’s for the best

ALISON: the end?

ALYSSA: the end.

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