Fate of the Furious on Gchat
THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS
feat. vin diesel, the rock and helen mirren
ALISON: Can anyone really BE ready?
ALYSSA: Look, I know it’s like 10am your time but you might want to have a drink
ALISON: Way ahead of you
ALYSSA: Perfect. Ok so a few notes:
I did have Noah give me a quick run down of movies 1–7 in this franchise before seeing #8
ALISON: Has he seen them all?
ALYSSA: He’s not sure if he’s seen 4, 5 or 6
ALISON: i was going to say, if he’s seen them all you should not have married him
ALYSSA: My thoughts exactly.
ALISON: I also love that with these movies, you can “not know” if you’ve seen them or not
ALYSSA: I don’t care about the early ones because the rock wasn’t in those and if Dwayne Johnson isn’t involved, I don’t want to even HEAR about it
ALISON: All movies are BR and AR (before rock and after rock)
ALISON: I don’t care about any franchise BR
ALYSSA: I know. The only other thing that you need to remember as i tell you about this movie is that NOTHING and i mean nothing comes before family, ok?
you need to really take that to heart
ALISON: Whoa, i’m processing it now
ALYSSA: Good, I’ll give you a minute.
ALISON: okay so family = everything
everything else = nothing ?
ALYSSA: you got it!!!
you’re basically a part of the fast and furious crew now
ALISON: hello, i am michelle rodriguez
ALYSSA: and I am Chris “Ludacris” Bridges
ALISON: That is who i think of when i think of you
ALYSSA: I know, it’s like, we’re twins or something
ok so the movie starts in Cuba which, uhh sure
ALISON: Everyone’s always like “wait, who is your best friend again? is it Alyssa Wolff or Ludacris? I can’t remember”
ALYSSA: hahaha yes
a common problem
not common the rapper
just, you know like, typical
ALISON: right right.
ALYSSA: ok so they’re in Cuba and apparently Vin Diesel married Michelle Rodriguez
and now they are honeymooning in Havana where everyone’s butt is OUT
ALISON: I thought they were brother sister???
ALYSSA: no no, they’re sleeping together
i guess they might still be related
i didn’t ask
ALYSSA: So butts are out in Havana which made me feel like i should hit the gym
or go to Cuba
definitely one of those two things
and some local guy is taking Vin Diesel’s cousin’s car because he owes him money?
ALISON: is his cousin fidel castro?
ALYSSA: no, he’s young
so this guy is like i’m taking the car and Vin Diesel is like “no, i’ll race you for it”
which apparently happens in like every movie
ALISON: classic negotiating tactic
ALYSSA: but the catch is that Vin Diesel has to drive his cousin’s shitty car and this guy has a SWEET ride
ALISON: i mean, look, he’s furious and wants to go fast
i get it.
ALYSSA: plus, family!
ALISON: yes, always family
ALYSSA: so they race
and guess what
ALYSSA: Vin Diesel wins!!!!!!!!!
no but seriously, good for him
ALYSSA: his car is on fire and he wins by driving backwards but he wins
ALYSSA: even though the other guy cheated!!!!
like a real rascal
ALISON: backwards fire car?
backwards fire car wins the day
ALISON: okay, i have a lot to learn about cars
ALYSSA: so then he lets the guy keep his car (he was going to take it as a prize) but since he destroyed his cousin’s crappy car, he gives him HIS car
you get it.
ALYSSA: now he’s back in the hotel having sex with Michelle Rodriguez
and she’s like “do you want to be a dad”
ALISON: that is good dirty talk
ALYSSA: and he’s like “are you pregnant” and looks at her stomach which … RUDE
i found that personally offensive
but she’s not.
ALYSSA: she was just making conversation
so then he goes out to get coffee and treats
ALISON: as you do when boning vin diesel
ALYSSA: and this woman who has long white girl dreads (!!!!) which … racist? needs help with her car
ALISON: white dreads??
no thank you
the biggest of no thank yous
ALYSSA: she takes off her sunglasses and surprise!!! it’s Charlize Theron
ALYSSA: i know.
ALISON: how did they cast this movie? by blackmail???
ALYSSA: i assume they just send these people the biggest checks of all time
like novelty sized checks
ALISON: i would like to be paid exclusively by novelty check
then you could build a house out of them
and live in it
ALYSSA: that’s efficient.
so Charlize is like, “You have to come work for me.”
And shows him something (presumably blackmail??) on her phone
and she’s like “It’s your fate.”
ALISON: oooo, like the title!
ALYSSA: Like the title of the movie!!!
so he goes with her
ALISON: now we’re getting somewhere
ALYSSA: no wait
They leave you hanging there for a minute while they cut to The Rock
ALYSSA: who is coaching a girls’ soccer team
and being very The Rock about it
(which is to say charming and perfect)
ALISON: i would like him to be my soccer coach
ALYSSA: i know.
His daughter is on the team.
She looks like Moana which made me think this was a tie in for that movie too
but it’s not.
ALISON: it seems like a pretty good tie in
was she animated
is this like “who framed roger rabbit?”
ALYSSA: she could have been
ok so this guy shows up in sunglasses and is like, “The Rock we need you go to get this thing because blah blah something terrorist”
and the little girl is like “is daddy going to work”
and The Rock is like “Daddy is going to work.”
which, dude she’s like 14. she can just call you Dad
ALISON: whoa, no
10 and over, you’re dad
what is the rock’s name in the movie
ALYSSA: no idea.
ALISON: we’ll just call him the rock
ALYSSA: I know Vin Diesel is named Dom.
so the ‘crew’ which is made up of Dom, The Rock, Michelle Rodriguez, Ludacris, a black girl who’s name i don’t remember but it’s like Harley or something, and Tyrese Gibson
and honestly, he’s the worst. I’m so over Tyrese.
Oh and they all go to Berlin
ALISON: did he take a break from following people on twitter to shoot the movie
that’s him, right?
ALYSSA: No you’re thinking of Idris Elba right?
ALISON: i’m always thinking of Idris Elba
(I think everyone is)
ALISON: Okay, so tyrese sucks, and everyone is heading to germany?
and as they are escaping Germany in cars, VinDom smashes his car into The Rock’s car
and steals the bomb
and runs away
ALISON: they aren’t friends?
ALYSSA: well he’s turning against him!
so now we get the FURIOUS from the title?
ALYSSA: Dom becomes a back stabber!
ALISON: wait, whose bomb is it? charlize’s?
or just like, germany’s?
ALYSSA: No it was Germany’s but as it turns out, Dom stole it for Charlize.
ALISON: haha, remember the phrase “da bomb”?
should we bring that back?
ALYSSA: No. I can’t and I won’t.
ALISON: ugh, fine.
ALYSSA: Alison just a heads up we are like, 5 min into the movie
ok so The Rock is like “Dom has gone rogue!!!!” and Michelle is like “oh HELL no” and everyone is just generally pissed off and sad.
And The Rock gets arrested.
ALISON: for what??
ALYSSA: for stealing germany’s bomb… duh
ALISON: right, of course, that is very illegal
So he goes to jail and gets put in a cell across from his old nemesis Jason Statham
ALISON: so is every jacked bald man in hollywood just in this movie?
ALISON: Makes sense.
ALYSSA: So these two are like bickering but then there’s a malfunction and they both escape from their cells (along with all the other prisoners)
and then there’s a massive fight scene which, sure.
ALISON: oh germany, can’t you do anything right???
ALYSSA: this is in AMERICA. Trump’s America.
god keep up
ALISON: oh i didn’t know!!
okay, well, america also can’t do anything right, so that adds up
ALYSSA: he’s in jail for treason or something
so then they both get released from jail because of something that never really gets explained
and this guy (Kurt Russell) who is named “Mr. Nobody” in the movie
ALISON: Mr. Nobody?
what is he, my BOYFRIEND?
ALISON: the casting is really top notch though
ALYSSA: so he makes them all come together because they have to try and find Dom/Vin
ALYSSA: so the whole crew is together in this secret lair
ALISON: ooo, i love lairs
ALYSSA: yup! so they basically figure out that Dom is working for ‘Cipher’
who is Charlize
ALYSSA: I know. it’s so good.
MEANWHILE Dom is on a plane with Charlize and we find out that she is holding his ex-girlfriend hostage.
ALISON: so not michelle rodriguez
ALYSSA: (Apparently she’s a plot line from a previous movie)
A blonde (who’s married to a Hemsworth in real life, soo……)
ALISON: ahh yes, a movie neither of us or maybe also noah but possibly noah saw
ALYSSA: right. SO THEN
this babe is like in this glass cage and she’s like omg why did you come here and he’s like “for you!”
and then she holds up a baby AND IT’S HIS!
So obviously now the stakes are really high.
Because, as you might recall, there’s one thing that’s very important to him
ALYSSA: that’s it!
the baby doesn’t have a name. she was going to let Vin name him. but it’s a boy!
ok so then they attack the secret lair where the crew is all hanging out
ALISON: dom and the baby?
ALYSSA: Dom and Charlize
ALISON: got it
ALYSSA: and Charlize KISSES Dom in front of Michelle
ALYSSA: which like, WOW
i mean, CIPHER
ALYSSA: with white girl dreads, don’t forget
ALISON: that’s worse than her look in “Monster”
ALYSSA: so they steal some device that’s basically like worldwide surveillance
called “God’s Eye”
ALISON: oh it’s getting religious now?
we’re throwing religion into the fast and the furious franchise?
ALYSSA: the whole movie is pretty religious
lots of crosses
ALISON: yeah that tracks
ALYSSA: this part i’m having trouble remembering but basically they use their skills to figure out that Cipher is going to get the nuke codes in New York so they go there
ALISON: i mean, even if you knew details it wouldn’t make sense, so this is fine.
ALYSSA: Right. There’s a massive scene where they basically attack the minister of defense from Russia who’s in a car and make Dom steal the codes from him
the only cool thing is that Dom also bamboozles Cipher at one point and has a secret meeting with Helen Mirren
ALISON: okay so who is she in this?
is she someone’s gf?
or a boss?
or just a lady?
ALYSSA: no, she’s Jason Statham’s mom!!!
but she’s a fucking BAWSE
ALYSSA: she’s incredible.
a shining light in this whole film
so Dom manages to have a secret meeting with her
then steals the nuke codes from the Russian dude
and then his crew is after him
including Jason Statham
ALISON: Okay so dom and helen mirren are good? or…bad?
ALYSSA: So Dom was good but now he’s working for the bad side.
And Helen Mirren is good but gives zero fucks
ALISON: okay, that sounds right
I guess good and bad is blurry in this movie
there is only family
ALYSSA: yeah you got that right.
so, dom is running with the nuke codes and jason statham chases after him and dom shoots him
ALISON: Does he die?
ALYSSA: then Michelle Rodriguez steals the case
but obviiiii Dom is not gonna kill her
because … family
ALYSSA: but then another one of Charlize’s cronies shows up
who is also the Wyndham Rewards Wyzard
and he threatens to kill Michelle Rodriguez but then Dom saves her and gets the codes and goes back with him to Cipher
ALISON: so michelle and Dom are headed to Charlize with nuke codes
ALYSSA: No just Dom. Michelle goes back to the crew
ALISON: oh okay, this is confusing
where are all the cars??
are there cars?
ALYSSA: tons of cars.
happening all the time.
ALISON: so, they’re just around?
ALYSSA: it’s like a whole side plot.
yeah they love cars.
it’s like that movie, “Cars.”
reminded me of that.
ALISON: I always get “Cars” confused with the “Fast and Furious” movies
So! This is a major part.
Dom goes back and is like, Hey Charlize I got you the nuke codes and she was like YES but you didn’t kill your wife so… I’m still mad.
Which, c’mon lady.
ALISON: ugh, it’s like, when is it enough??
ALYSSA: So she has her henchman KILL his ex gf in front of him and the baby!!
ALISON: so, that lady is dead now
and there’s a loose baby
ALYSSA: And now they have to go to Russia to get the nukes since they already have the nuke codes.
ALISON: so much transatlantic travel!
ALYSSA: Yup! So the crew goes too.
And they get cool cars from Mr. Nobody.
And then they go to this hidden military base in Russia
ALISON: ooo, topical!
ALYSSA: This is also around the time that I got very, very bored.
So basically Dom attacks the base and during that attack, Cipher aka Charlize gets control over the submarine that they have
ALISON: so, it’s boring, they’re in russia
is it on land?
ALYSSA: hard to say. there’s a lot of ice.
ALISON: it’s cold!
ALYSSA: there’s probably a lot of vodka too but you don’t get to see any of that
Tyrese makes a lot of jokes about being cold and i feel like even his co-stars are starting to get annoyed by him at this point
ALISON: he’s used to having his shirt off
ALYSSA: he sucks
like, you’re not Chris Tucker
cut it out.
ALISON: no, he is very much not.
ALYSSA: but clearly he thinks he is in this movie.
so while this is all happening, we find out that Jason Statham is not dead!!!!
and actually he and Dom have figured out a way to take Charlize out and also rescue the baby.
ALISON: so now short bald jacked guys are working together with a baby to take down charlize theron?
am i close?
where’s da rock?
The Rock (capital T capital R) is trying to help save Dom but also not let them detonate the nukes
He’s in a truck.
ALISON: Rock truck.
ALYSSA: So also, they got Jason Statham’s brother out of jail somehow? Which I think is a plot point from a different movie slash they spend zero time explaining that
But he’s now here to help Jason get the baby and get rid of Charlize
ALISON: right, always assume that by the 8th movie, everyone has seen all of them
ALYSSA: So, the Russians are now chasing The Rock and the crew in cars across the ice.
The Statham brothers are attacking Charlize on her plane
ALISON: Lots of threads to keep track of!
ALYSSA: and Dom is also on the ice but he’s killing the Wyndham Rewards guy because that’s the guy who killed his ex gf slash baby mama
ALISON: and the WRW (wyndham rewards wyzard) works for charlize? i mean CIPHER
ALISON: now i’m getting it!
ALYSSA: You are!!!
So, the crew is like, escaping.
and Statham corners Cipher but she gets away!!!!
but doesn’t detonate the nukes
and he saves the baby.
ALISON: aw, that’s nice of him!
ALYSSA: Yup! He’s like family now.
So then Dom comes in a car across the ice and helps the crew get away so they know he’s back on their side.
ALISON: omg family
ALYSSA: there are all sorts of explosions etc.
and then finally it’s (almost) over.
ALISON: I assume at all times in this movie there are many explosions
Also the submarine explodes and they’re like next to it?
and I was very upset because that’s where the nukes were
but then stupid Tyrese is like “wait wasn’t that a nuclear bomb”
ALISON: ugh shut up Tyrese, you’re dumb
ALYSSA: and Ludacris is like, “Nah man we didn’t put in the codes so that was a regular bomb.”
So, big relief there.
ALISON: Ludacris: voice of reason
ALYSSA: Always and forever.
Ok almost at the end. Only 45 min left to go.
ALISON: why is every movie 5 days long now????
ALYSSA: No idea.
So now they’re on a roof in New York.
Having a bbq
because families have bbqs
ALISON: yes, that’s the first rule of families: bbq
ALYSSA: Yup! So now Dom is back with his wife, there’s a dumb thing where both Tyrese and Ludacris hit on that girl Harley or whatever
But she’s like “what’s my last name”
and neither of them know
so she’s like, boy bye
ALISON: i like her
whoever she is
ALYSSA: Yeah she’s pretty great.
Then Jason comes with the baby.
So that’s nice.
ALISON: oh v nice of him
ALYSSA: And then Dom gives a little toast before they eat
And decides to name his baby Brian
which apparently was Paul Walker’s name in the movies
ALYSSA: so that hit me pretty hard after I googled it.
like an hour later.
ALISON: did you cry?
ALISON: i’m kind of crying thinking about it
ALYSSA: it’s a lot
anyway the end
what a movie
nay, a FILM
you did a very good job explaining it
i felt like i was there.
ALYSSA: Oh good! I tried to do my family proud.
ALISON: family first
something else third?
ALYSSA: Family first, cars second, and Helen Mirren third?
Also fun fact about her: she ASKED to be in the movie.
ALYSSA: love her
ALISON: I mean, i’m glad, but also, confused
ALYSSA: It was like an inside joke with herself.
ALISON: well she’s laughing all the way to the bank!
i think? did this do well?
ALYSSA: No idea.