Fate of the Furious on Gchat

Alyssa Wolff saw The Fate of the Furious and then explained the plot to Alison Leiby over gchat. This is a transcript of that conversation.

ALYSSA: okay

are

you ready

for

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

feat. vin diesel, the rock and helen mirren

ALISON: Can anyone really BE ready?

ALYSSA: No.

I wasn’t.

ALYSSA: Look, I know it’s like 10am your time but you might want to have a drink

ALISON: Way ahead of you

ALYSSA: Perfect. Ok so a few notes:

I did have Noah give me a quick run down of movies 1–7 in this franchise before seeing #8

HOWEVER

ALISON: Has he seen them all?

ALYSSA: He’s not sure if he’s seen 4, 5 or 6

ALISON: i was going to say, if he’s seen them all you should not have married him

ALYSSA: My thoughts exactly.

ALISON: I also love that with these movies, you can “not know” if you’ve seen them or not

ALYSSA: I don’t care about the early ones because the rock wasn’t in those and if Dwayne Johnson isn’t involved, I don’t want to even HEAR about it

ALISON: All movies are BR and AR (before rock and after rock)

ALYSSA: Bingo.

ALISON: I don’t care about any franchise BR

ALYSSA: I know. The only other thing that you need to remember as i tell you about this movie is that NOTHING and i mean nothing comes before family, ok?

you need to really take that to heart

ALISON: Whoa, i’m processing it now

ALYSSA: Good, I’ll give you a minute.

ALISON: okay so family = everything

everything else = nothing ?

ALYSSA: you got it!!!

you’re basically a part of the fast and furious crew now

ALISON: hello, i am michelle rodriguez

ALYSSA: and I am Chris “Ludacris” Bridges

ALISON: That is who i think of when i think of you

ALYSSA: I know, it’s like, we’re twins or something

ok so the movie starts in Cuba which, uhh sure

ALISON: Everyone’s always like “wait, who is your best friend again? is it Alyssa Wolff or Ludacris? I can’t remember”

ALYSSA: hahaha yes

a common problem

not common the rapper

just, you know like, typical

ALISON: right right.

ALYSSA: ok so they’re in Cuba and apparently Vin Diesel married Michelle Rodriguez

and now they are honeymooning in Havana where everyone’s butt is OUT

ALISON: I thought they were brother sister???

ALYSSA: no no, they’re sleeping together

i guess they might still be related

i didn’t ask

ALYSSA: So butts are out in Havana which made me feel like i should hit the gym

or go to Cuba

definitely one of those two things

and some local guy is taking Vin Diesel’s cousin’s car because he owes him money?

ALISON: is his cousin fidel castro?

ALYSSA: no, he’s young

so this guy is like i’m taking the car and Vin Diesel is like “no, i’ll race you for it”

which apparently happens in like every movie

ALISON: classic negotiating tactic

ALYSSA: but the catch is that Vin Diesel has to drive his cousin’s shitty car and this guy has a SWEET ride

ALISON: i mean, look, he’s furious and wants to go fast

i get it.

ALYSSA: plus, family!

ALISON: yes, always family

ALYSSA: so they race

and guess what

ALISON: what????

ALYSSA: Vin Diesel wins!!!!!!!!!

ALISON: OMGOMGOMG

no but seriously, good for him

ALYSSA: his car is on fire and he wins by driving backwards but he wins

ALISON: WHAT

ALYSSA: even though the other guy cheated!!!!

like a real rascal

ALISON: backwards fire car?

ALYSSA: yes

backwards fire car wins the day

ALISON: okay, i have a lot to learn about cars

ALYSSA: so then he lets the guy keep his car (he was going to take it as a prize) but since he destroyed his cousin’s crappy car, he gives him HIS car

you get it.

ALISON: sure

ALYSSA: now he’s back in the hotel having sex with Michelle Rodriguez

and she’s like “do you want to be a dad”

ALISON: that is good dirty talk

ALYSSA: and he’s like “are you pregnant” and looks at her stomach which … RUDE

i found that personally offensive

but she’s not.

ALYSSA: she was just making conversation

so then he goes out to get coffee and treats

ALISON: as you do when boning vin diesel

ALYSSA: and this woman who has long white girl dreads (!!!!) which … racist? needs help with her car

ALISON: white dreads??

no thank you

the biggest of no thank yous

ALYSSA: she takes off her sunglasses and surprise!!! it’s Charlize Theron

ALISON: CHARLIZE

ALYSSA: i know.

ALISON: how did they cast this movie? by blackmail???

ALYSSA: i assume they just send these people the biggest checks of all time

like novelty sized checks

ALISON: i would like to be paid exclusively by novelty check

then you could build a house out of them

and live in it

check house!

ALYSSA: that’s efficient.

so Charlize is like, “You have to come work for me.”

And shows him something (presumably blackmail??) on her phone

and she’s like “It’s your fate.”

ALISON: oooo, like the title!

ALYSSA: Like the title of the movie!!!

YES!

so he goes with her

ALISON: now we’re getting somewhere

ALYSSA: no wait

They leave you hanging there for a minute while they cut to The Rock

ALISON: finally

ALYSSA: who is coaching a girls’ soccer team

and being very The Rock about it

(which is to say charming and perfect)

ALISON: i would like him to be my soccer coach

ALYSSA: i know.

His daughter is on the team.

She looks like Moana which made me think this was a tie in for that movie too

but it’s not.

ALISON: it seems like a pretty good tie in

was she animated

is this like “who framed roger rabbit?”

ALYSSA: she could have been

ok so this guy shows up in sunglasses and is like, “The Rock we need you go to get this thing because blah blah something terrorist”

and the little girl is like “is daddy going to work”

and The Rock is like “Daddy is going to work.”

which, dude she’s like 14. she can just call you Dad

ALISON: whoa, no

10 and over, you’re dad

what is the rock’s name in the movie

ALYSSA: Um

hahahaha

ALISON: Great

ALYSSA: no idea.

ALISON: we’ll just call him the rock

ALYSSA: I know Vin Diesel is named Dom.

so the ‘crew’ which is made up of Dom, The Rock, Michelle Rodriguez, Ludacris, a black girl who’s name i don’t remember but it’s like Harley or something, and Tyrese Gibson

and honestly, he’s the worst. I’m so over Tyrese.

Oh and they all go to Berlin

ALISON: did he take a break from following people on twitter to shoot the movie

that’s him, right?

ALYSSA: No you’re thinking of Idris Elba right?

ALISON: i’m always thinking of Idris Elba

ALYSSA: Same.

(I think everyone is)

ALISON: Okay, so tyrese sucks, and everyone is heading to germany?

ALYSSA:Yes

and as they are escaping Germany in cars, VinDom smashes his car into The Rock’s car

like intentionally

and steals the bomb

and runs away

ALISON: they aren’t friends?

ALYSSA: well he’s turning against him!

ALISON: AHHHHHHH

so now we get the FURIOUS from the title?

ALYSSA: Dom becomes a back stabber!

ALISON: wait, whose bomb is it? charlize’s?

or just like, germany’s?

ALYSSA: No it was Germany’s but as it turns out, Dom stole it for Charlize.

ALISON: haha, remember the phrase “da bomb”?

should we bring that back?

ALYSSA: No. I can’t and I won’t.

ALISON: ugh, fine.

ALYSSA: Alison just a heads up we are like, 5 min into the movie

ok so The Rock is like “Dom has gone rogue!!!!” and Michelle is like “oh HELL no” and everyone is just generally pissed off and sad.

And The Rock gets arrested.

ALISON: for what??

ALYSSA: for stealing germany’s bomb… duh

ALISON: right, of course, that is very illegal

ALYSSA: exactly

So he goes to jail and gets put in a cell across from his old nemesis Jason Statham

ALISON: so is every jacked bald man in hollywood just in this movie?

ALYSSA: Yes.

ALISON: Makes sense.

ALYSSA: So these two are like bickering but then there’s a malfunction and they both escape from their cells (along with all the other prisoners)

and then there’s a massive fight scene which, sure.

ALISON: oh germany, can’t you do anything right???

ALYSSA: this is in AMERICA. Trump’s America.

god keep up

ALISON: oh i didn’t know!!

okay, well, america also can’t do anything right, so that adds up

ALYSSA: he’s in jail for treason or something

so then they both get released from jail because of something that never really gets explained

and this guy (Kurt Russell) who is named “Mr. Nobody” in the movie

ALISON: Mr. Nobody?

what is he, my BOYFRIEND?

Hahahahahhahahha

ALYSSA: HAHAHAHAHA

ALISON: the casting is really top notch though

ALYSSA: so he makes them all come together because they have to try and find Dom/Vin

ALISON: okay

ALYSSA: so the whole crew is together in this secret lair

ALISON: ooo, i love lairs

ALYSSA: yup! so they basically figure out that Dom is working for ‘Cipher’

who is Charlize

ALISON: Cipher

ALYSSA: I know. it’s so good.

MEANWHILE Dom is on a plane with Charlize and we find out that she is holding his ex-girlfriend hostage.

ALISON: so not michelle rodriguez

ALYSSA: (Apparently she’s a plot line from a previous movie)

A blonde (who’s married to a Hemsworth in real life, soo……)

ALISON: ahh yes, a movie neither of us or maybe also noah but possibly noah saw

ALYSSA: right. SO THEN

this babe is like in this glass cage and she’s like omg why did you come here and he’s like “for you!”

and then she holds up a baby AND IT’S HIS!

ALISON: WWWHHHHAAAAAAAAAT

ALYSSA:I know.

So obviously now the stakes are really high.

Because, as you might recall, there’s one thing that’s very important to him

ALISON: cars?

wait, no

FAMILY

ALYSSA: that’s it!

the baby doesn’t have a name. she was going to let Vin name him. but it’s a boy!

ok so then they attack the secret lair where the crew is all hanging out

ALISON: dom and the baby?

ALYSSA: Dom and Charlize

ALISON: got it

ALYSSA: and Charlize KISSES Dom in front of Michelle

ALISON: AHHHH

ALYSSA: which like, WOW

ALISON: charlize

i mean, CIPHER

ALYSSA: with white girl dreads, don’t forget

ALISON: that’s worse than her look in “Monster”

ALYSSA: so they steal some device that’s basically like worldwide surveillance

called “God’s Eye”

ALISON: oh it’s getting religious now?

we’re throwing religion into the fast and the furious franchise?

ALYSSA: the whole movie is pretty religious

lots of crosses

ALISON: yeah that tracks

ALYSSA: this part i’m having trouble remembering but basically they use their skills to figure out that Cipher is going to get the nuke codes in New York so they go there

ALISON: i mean, even if you knew details it wouldn’t make sense, so this is fine.

ALYSSA: Right. There’s a massive scene where they basically attack the minister of defense from Russia who’s in a car and make Dom steal the codes from him

the only cool thing is that Dom also bamboozles Cipher at one point and has a secret meeting with Helen Mirren

ALISON: okay so who is she in this?

is she someone’s gf?

or a boss?

or just a lady?

ALYSSA: no, she’s Jason Statham’s mom!!!

but she’s a fucking BAWSE

ALISON: AHHHHHH

ALYSSA: she’s incredible.

a shining light in this whole film

so Dom manages to have a secret meeting with her

then steals the nuke codes from the Russian dude

and then his crew is after him

including Jason Statham

ALISON: Okay so dom and helen mirren are good? or…bad?

ALYSSA: So Dom was good but now he’s working for the bad side.

And Helen Mirren is good but gives zero fucks

ALISON: okay, that sounds right

I guess good and bad is blurry in this movie

there is only family

ALYSSA: yeah you got that right.

so, dom is running with the nuke codes and jason statham chases after him and dom shoots him

ALISON: Does he die?

ALYSSA: “Yes”

ALISON: “Okay”

ALYSSA: then Michelle Rodriguez steals the case

but obviiiii Dom is not gonna kill her

because … family

ALISON: yes

also…sex

ALYSSA: but then another one of Charlize’s cronies shows up

who is also the Wyndham Rewards Wyzard

and he threatens to kill Michelle Rodriguez but then Dom saves her and gets the codes and goes back with him to Cipher

ALISON: so michelle and Dom are headed to Charlize with nuke codes

ALYSSA: No just Dom. Michelle goes back to the crew

ALISON: oh okay, this is confusing

where are all the cars??

are there cars?

ALYSSA: tons of cars.

happening all the time.

ALISON: so, they’re just around?

ALYSSA: it’s like a whole side plot.

yeah they love cars.

it’s like that movie, “Cars.”

reminded me of that.

ALISON: I always get “Cars” confused with the “Fast and Furious” movies

ALYSSA: Yes.

So! This is a major part.

Dom goes back and is like, Hey Charlize I got you the nuke codes and she was like YES but you didn’t kill your wife so… I’m still mad.

Which, c’mon lady.

ALISON: ugh, it’s like, when is it enough??

ALYSSA: So she has her henchman KILL his ex gf in front of him and the baby!!

ALISON: so, that lady is dead now

and there’s a loose baby

ALYSSA: Yup.

ALYSSA: And now they have to go to Russia to get the nukes since they already have the nuke codes.

ALISON: so much transatlantic travel!

ALYSSA: Yup! So the crew goes too.

And they get cool cars from Mr. Nobody.

And then they go to this hidden military base in Russia

ALISON: ooo, topical!

ALYSSA: This is also around the time that I got very, very bored.

So basically Dom attacks the base and during that attack, Cipher aka Charlize gets control over the submarine that they have

ALISON: so, it’s boring, they’re in russia

is it on land?

ALYSSA: hard to say. there’s a lot of ice.

it’s russia!

ALISON: it’s cold!

ALYSSA: there’s probably a lot of vodka too but you don’t get to see any of that

Tyrese makes a lot of jokes about being cold and i feel like even his co-stars are starting to get annoyed by him at this point

ALISON: he’s used to having his shirt off

ALYSSA: he sucks

like, you’re not Chris Tucker

cut it out.

ALISON: no, he is very much not.

ALYSSA: but clearly he thinks he is in this movie.

so while this is all happening, we find out that Jason Statham is not dead!!!!

and actually he and Dom have figured out a way to take Charlize out and also rescue the baby.

ALISON: so now short bald jacked guys are working together with a baby to take down charlize theron?

am i close?

where’s da rock?

ALYSSA: Yup.

The Rock (capital T capital R) is trying to help save Dom but also not let them detonate the nukes

He’s in a truck.

ALISON: Rock truck.

ALYSSA: So also, they got Jason Statham’s brother out of jail somehow? Which I think is a plot point from a different movie slash they spend zero time explaining that

But he’s now here to help Jason get the baby and get rid of Charlize

ALISON: right, always assume that by the 8th movie, everyone has seen all of them

ALYSSA: So, the Russians are now chasing The Rock and the crew in cars across the ice.

The Statham brothers are attacking Charlize on her plane

ALISON: Lots of threads to keep track of!

ALYSSA: and Dom is also on the ice but he’s killing the Wyndham Rewards guy because that’s the guy who killed his ex gf slash baby mama

ALISON: and the WRW (wyndham rewards wyzard) works for charlize? i mean CIPHER

ALYSSA: Yup!

ALISON: now i’m getting it!

ALYSSA: You are!!!

So, the crew is like, escaping.

and Statham corners Cipher but she gets away!!!!

but doesn’t detonate the nukes

and he saves the baby.

ALISON: aw, that’s nice of him!

ALYSSA: Yup! He’s like family now.

So then Dom comes in a car across the ice and helps the crew get away so they know he’s back on their side.

ALISON: omg family

ALYSSA: there are all sorts of explosions etc.

and then finally it’s (almost) over.

ALISON: I assume at all times in this movie there are many explosions

ALYSSA: Yes.

Also the submarine explodes and they’re like next to it?

and I was very upset because that’s where the nukes were

but then stupid Tyrese is like “wait wasn’t that a nuclear bomb”

ALISON: ugh shut up Tyrese, you’re dumb

ALYSSA: and Ludacris is like, “Nah man we didn’t put in the codes so that was a regular bomb.”

So, big relief there.

ALISON: Ludacris: voice of reason

ALYSSA: Always and forever.

Ok almost at the end. Only 45 min left to go.

ALISON: why is every movie 5 days long now????

ALYSSA: No idea.

So now they’re on a roof in New York.

Having a bbq

because families have bbqs

ALISON: yes, that’s the first rule of families: bbq

ALYSSA: Yup! So now Dom is back with his wife, there’s a dumb thing where both Tyrese and Ludacris hit on that girl Harley or whatever

But she’s like “what’s my last name”

and neither of them know

so she’s like, boy bye

ALISON: i like her

whoever she is

ALYSSA: Yeah she’s pretty great.

Then Jason comes with the baby.

So that’s nice.

ALISON: oh v nice of him

ALYSSA: And then Dom gives a little toast before they eat

And decides to name his baby Brian

which apparently was Paul Walker’s name in the movies

ALISON: awww

ALYSSA: so that hit me pretty hard after I googled it.

like an hour later.

ALISON: did you cry?

ALYSSA: No.

ALISON: i’m kind of crying thinking about it

ALYSSA: it’s a lot

for sure

anyway the end

it’s over

ALISON: wowzers

what a movie

nay, a FILM

you did a very good job explaining it

i felt like i was there.

ALYSSA: Oh good! I tried to do my family proud.

ALISON: family first

cars second

something else third?

ALYSSA: Family first, cars second, and Helen Mirren third?

Also fun fact about her: she ASKED to be in the movie.

ALISON: WHAT

ALYSSA: love her

ALISON: I mean, i’m glad, but also, confused

ALYSSA: It was like an inside joke with herself.

ALISON: well she’s laughing all the way to the bank!

i think? did this do well?

ALYSSA: No idea.