Let Friendship be Fluid
I’m amazed at how drastically different I am than I was even just a year ago. How much growth has occurred in a relatively short period of time. Since I was a spotty teenager or naive young twenty-something the growth is expansive and vast—and the people in my life have shifted just as much.
Some have wandered aimlessly into my path and become fast friends. Many have trickled out as they too change and grow in perpendicular directions. A few friendships have snapped shut like a harshly closed book, with dusty remnants clouding the air for a while. Others flit in bringing their unique perspectives, kindness and joy with them—and then flit out again like stunning hummingbirds. Friendship comes in so many flavors and forms, and if you try to grasp on too hard, it slips through your fingers whilst pointing at you and yelling “haha! Ginger-four-eyes!”
We put so much pressure on these ties that bind us that we can cause them to fracture and break, sometimes irreparably. Other times, if we let friends gently glide into, or even through different forms of relationship, there is the possibility of rekindling if contexts again align.
Life stages force your context to change, shift your common ground and ability to connect with people. Having a baby, going through a divorce, moving to a new city — huge life changes cause a unconscious shift in many friendships, and also quickly show you who your life-long friends are and will be. Tough experiences make or break friendships, or at least redefine our boundaries with the people in question. As we get to know others true colors, we see mirrors of ourselves—and we do not always accept what we see. And yet we seek out and hold onto any connection, sometimes regardless of it’s impact on us.
Friendship is a see-saw
It goes both ways. We give friendship, and we receive it back. We support, and are supported. Love, and are loved. Some people are talented at kindling a new friendship quickly, others have trouble feeling true connection and so pull away — or worse, they don’t invest the time, or the emotional rawness, into fostering a deeper relationship. And, like anything in life it can never be a perfect balancing act all the time — it see-saws back and forth between the two parties involved, but so long as it averages out, the relationship stays healthy.
Growing up, I had a very black and white definition of what it meant to be a good friend. I was easily affronted and burned, my boundaries were extremely high and firm, and I was far too quick to consider someone no longer a friend after some form of horrific betrayal. I over-reacted and had such extreme high standards that it was almost impossible to maintain a friendship. I have many Facebook acquaintances from high school, but moving countries to attend college caused me to lose the fragile connections I did have. Distance caused the tendrils of connection to wither, and wisps of the people I knew “like” my statuses and RT my tweets. I no longer fit with the people from my past, because I did not put in the effort needed to maintain the relationships.
Say Yes to Saying No to “Bad Friends”
The only way to know when the see-saw is not balancing out over time is to discover where your own boundaries are—and then be kind to yourself by enforcing them. We all need the ability to lean on people when the going gets tough, and our greatest allies are the people who meet us as we are in that moment and accept us as our vulnerable selves. We all know people though, who it seems every interaction is a toxic venting session of the same deja vu complaining, without accountability or willingness (perhaps ability) to change either their viewpoint, process, or situation. These interactions suck from our souls. The see-saw is permanently weighted to their side, and you are giving, giving, giving until you are frustrated and exhausted. Sounds familiar right?
You are feeding them. They are like ravenous zombies being fed by your time and attention and they want brains. The only way to truly be a good friend, a true friend, to anyone (including yourself) is to ensure you’re saving your energy for the relationships that are truly give and take, and by realizing that the zombie-brain-soul-suckers are not behaving like your friends.
Friends feed you back. Of course we all have moments of crisis and need to take a little more for a while—that happens—and true friendship see-saws become even over time. We need to enforce better boundaries and balance in the way that allow people close to us to impact our lives, and protect ourselves. If we don’t, we run the risk of turning away from friendships as they ebb and flow.
“No way that you can be truly, genuinely, deeply compassionate and generous towards someone if they are violating your boundaries at that same time” — Brené Brown, interviewed on The Lively Show
When a relationship of any sort is just sapping your energy and taking more from you than you can possibly give to it you need to say no. Loudly. To yourself. You allow the zombie-brain-soul-suckers into your space, and you choose what energy to give them unconditionally.
Sometimes you simply have to let them go
You deserve to be surrounded by people who feed your soul with joy, affirmation, love, companionship, empathy, support and challenge. And you deserve to reap the benefits of giving all those people the same things.
If you continuously shudder at the thought of grabbing coffee or drinks with someone, they are clearly not being your friend—they are not see-sawing with you. And if they are having a negative impact on your overall happiness and stress levels, why do you keep giving them more? Why are you spending such a valuable, limited resource—your time—on this person? Give yourself permission to not see the people that you don’t want to, to not give them any more of yourself. Even if for the time-being, until there are indications of the see-saw shifting. It’s not a good match if it’s a single sided thing — your friendships should feed you. And given a little space and time, they sometimes come back around to being true friends.
These situations usually go only a few ways in my experience.
- The friend drifts away slowly, you see them less frequently, and they just disappear into the ether never to be heard from again.
- You explode. They are hurt. You are hurt. The friendship is now completely over with little hope of reconciliation.
- You meet the friend exactly where they are emotionally, with true empathy and acceptance, while also setting clear boundaries and protecting yourself. I hope to have this option figured out one day.
And sometimes, you just simply have to let it go.
Sometimes you have to forge new joy-givers
A dear friend of mine lives in New York City. We’ve known each other for over eight years, though at times have vast distances in both geography and time between our connections. We still consider each other close friends through the shared empathy and understanding we have for each other, and I believe always will. We’re there on the phone in a heartbeat for each other, and find ways to share inspiration and support each others ambitions.
She recently shared the process of exploring a new loneliness in her life away from home, and realized that she had lost connection with many girlfriends in her NYC life for many reasons. She had not reconnected with old friends when she moved back to New York for the second time. Other friends were busy with new babies, or had moved away. One friend had been such a negative drain on her energy that she had enforced a distance. All natural and fluid things.
What she did next was wonderous. After considering a big move, a change in employment, or other shift to solve the situation, she realized that what she really craved was those connections—and so she started to craft them. She reached out to some past big-apple-life friends, and took ownership of making plans and maintaining the relationships. She also started “friend-dating” a lady from the dog park who she always chatted with. I imagine an opening line along the lines of “does your dog come here often? I promise I’m not creepy, please be my friend!!!”
It takes great courage to not just wallow in loneliness, but to take ownership of changing your context. Of crafting the inputs into your life, and seeking friendship when you need it.
Why do we need “friends” anyway?
I love meeting people, making connections and finding common interests and joy. As an extrovert, I thrive on this to an extent and collect friends wherever I go these days. Sounds wonderful right? It’s truly great, though I’ve found it is hard to discern true, deeper friendships that will stand the test of distance and time. Friends who truly know and support me, and know my true self are few and far between, but much appreciated and loved.
With both friendship, and romantic companionship too, it’s easy to find it all too complicated and tiresome when bogged down by relationships that are not win-wins. I’ve found that I occasionally just want to hide and give up on people. But I keep being drawn back out by the moments of true friendship and joy. The moments of unconditional support and smallest gestures of connection.
And connection is what makes the world go round.
“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.” — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
To Izabela and John, who showed me such friendship, compassion and acceptance during the most difficult year when I least expected it and needed it most. You are wonderous.
