Borderline Personality Disorder Diary Entry #9

BPD can be highly destructive both emotionally and physically, and is a nearly untamable monster.

I have comorbid depression and panic disorder, so for all of the above reasons, staying calm and measured whenever possible is extremely important.

I’m dealing with some pretty scary things in life right now. I’d rather not go into details, because the point of this short entry is to talk about how determined I have to be to avoid thinking about it.

The avoidance isn’t necessarily born from fear of facing it, though I’m sure that does play a part. Actually, it’s a legitimate and recommended coping mechanism for folks with BPD. See, it’s easy for me to get caught up in feelings that may or may not be based in the reality of what is actually happening. Here’s an example that isn’t relevant to my current situation, but one that I’ve experienced many times before:

Ex| A friend texts me something that, to me, comes off as annoyed. I text back. No response. If I let myself, I could spend the next day (or the next forever) thinking things like, “The friend doesn’t like me. They probably didn’t ever like me. They’re sick of me. I’m a burden. I hate myself. I have no one left.” Though folks with BPD actually do tend to lose people who are important to them for a multitude of reasons, this isn’t necessarily the case in this example — it could be that I completely misunderstood the friend’s virtual tone-of-voice and overreacted for a solid 24 hours before they were able to text back (maybe they were with family?).

Instead, while it’s important to come to terms with painful feelings, to experience them, and to move on, this process is very hard with BPD, and it needs to be done almost methodically. BPD makes it easy to get lost in what-ifs, which can very quickly lead to self-hatred, which can in-turn lead to rage, which then can contribute to the very thing they were afraid they were doing to begin with: driving someone they love away and/or wasting away their lives in misery.

So I find myself keeping busy literally every second of every day. I used to enjoy eating meals and just looking out my window at scenery, at nature, at people. Now, I can’t do anything like that. When I’m eating, I have to have a magazine or my computer open. Even the simple act of sitting and petting my cat and dog is risky — if I’m not occupying my mind with something while I do it, there’s a high chance I’ll get wrapped up in heavy emotions that could put me out of commission for the rest of the day or more. It’s a strange and somewhat unfortunate way to live, but for folks with BPD, just existing can be hard, and so, sometimes, distracting yourself is the best and only thing you can do to survive.