A Life Worth Living

“Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.” —Katie Schubert

I have always felt that God has placed me into my position because he knew I was strong enough to get through it. Though I am only twenty, life has handed me many hardships many of which I am proud to say I have overcome.

Here is just my story of my life and my journey through faith…

At the age of nine, my best friend was diagnosed with brain cancer. She fought for two years before the cancer got the best of her and she passed away at the age of eleven. Between those two years, my brother suffered an AVM, a massive brain hemorrhage leaving him severely disabled. On top of all this, my uncle died of a sudden heart attack while my brother was in the hospital. Eighth grade came around and my family lost a close family friend to cancer. It was throughout my high school years I lost the only two influential elders in my life, my great aunt and uncle, those of which were grandparent figures to me. It was like one thing came after another and I wasn’t getting to spend life like the other kids growing up.

Depression had hit me hard by the time high school came around. During the time most kids were trying to figure out who they were as a person, I was focused on figuring out the meaning of life since the life surrounding me was filled with heartache. I didn’t feel like my life was worth while or my place here had any meaning. I had never wanted people to feel bad for me, I had always just been curious as to what life is truly meant to be especially if all of these things kept happening. It’s as if anyone who had a special place in my heart was being slowly torn away from me.

Between grieving myself, and seeing others go through the pain of certain situations I always questioned why life was the way it was. The one thing that kept me holding on through all of this though, was my faith. I started attending church by myself every Sunday. My family had fallen apart and my friends were not mature enough at the time. Even though I knew so many people cared about me I never wanted to tell anyone the pain I was feeling because I didn’t want to burden anyone. The weight on my shoulders was something I would never want anyone else to feel. I felt like God was the only thing left. I remember sitting in the back row of church one day and crying as I sat there and prayed for the strength to keep me going. I went through very hard months of horrible thoughts and not wanting to exist, but I continued to pray & pray. It was one day though that I came home from church and I felt this light inside me spark, something I can never really explain. It was if I had been touched by God & that he told me I had a purpose. I was here for a reason & these hardships were just part of my journey of life and faith. I knew I had a purpose it was just being patient with the Lord where I found some difficulties.

A few years went by and I had left for college. It was a time where I finally had some sense of freedom. I felt that if I prayed I didn’t need to go to church. My relationship with God had become secondary to this new “college” life. I started to live a life I was not happy with & had this constant feeling that I had this huge weight on my shoulders. It was when I had gotten into a fight with my dad that I really hit a low point . I had found out my dad had wrote a letter to my mom saying he was going to leave her. I had confronted my dad one day and he told me that if they were to get a divorce it was all of my fault. I had never felt worse in my life. How could I have done anything to split up my family? I know my dad has a temperament and everyone told me to ignore what he was saying, but I had just felt worthless. Not only did I have this burdening me but I had been constantly getting sick which became worrisome . I had gone to about 5 different doctors & no one could figure out what was wrong with me. Multiple tests turned into a lymphoma scare. Cancer was a scary word and it made me think. What if my time here isn’t as long as I thought?

This is when I really began to think about life again and I started to seek out God. I started to believe everything I had been through happened for a reason and that someday it would all come together. Thankfully the results were negative and I did not have cancer, but this bump in the road had brought me back to my faith. Though I still hadn’t figured out all of my questions about life at this point, I believed a big part of the journey was going through these hardships. Difficult times was when I found out so many things such as who my true friends were, how strong I was as an individual, and how strong my faith was.

It was my junior year of college when my faith was becoming secondary to my life again. It was as soon as things got better I would let my relationship with God slip away. The emptiness I began to feel I tried to fill with a relationship with a guy. It was constantly back firing, I was being used & my feeling of worthlessness became overwhelming. Recently one night I hit an extremely low point, contemplating suicide. Thankfully I reached out to a friend, the only one I had ever really mentioned my depression to. He called me and he told me of his journey. His faith had gotten him through so much & he offered me guidance. It was one thing that he said that really stuck out to me. He said to start reading the Bible, something I had never done. I had never dove that deep into my faith, but I knew this was the time.

I began reading the Bible constantly. Following weekly devotionals & readings daily verses. I prayed for strength & trust in God that my life would turn around. A few days went by when one morning I woke up and felt this burst of life. I had suddenly realized my purpose to help others. I felt this urge to change career paths and become an occupational therapist. I have always said I have so much love to give but I can’t find a job in my field where my heart was in it as much as the physical work. But now becoming an OT would allow me to do just that! I have truly felt this was a blessing. After seeing first hand the impact of therapists on my brother’s rehabilitation, I am passionate that I want do just that. After going through depression I was no longer passionate about much, but this spark has made me so passionate about life again. I finally feel like I have a purpose.

That one night where I contemplated suicide really led me to what I feel will be a consistent life of faith from now on. It had me realize that the emptiness I was feeling was from my neglected relationship with God. Once I found his love again it was when life had truly turned around and I finally found my purpose.

I know life has much more to teach me, but as of now I think I have begun to figure out some of life’s secrets:

First, Cherish every moment you have with the ones you love because you will never get those few seconds back. Something I will always live by and wish I could tell everyone.

Second, do everything with love. “Love your enemies, Bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.”(Matthew 5:44) There is one thing that I believe heals all and its love. Hardships may bring out many emotions but love, especially that of God, will always conquer.

Last but definitely not least, Life is ever changing — never give up. Never take anything in life for granted because anything can change within the blink of an eye. It takes one moment & one person to lead you to a place where you can find the love of God. And ultimately it’s with faith and trust in God that we can get through our trials in life.

So remember life is worth living. Life is about the journey. Spend everyday finding out the meaning of who you are as a person and why we are all here. You are you. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are worth every last breath you take. So don’t give up. Happiness is right in front of you. It simply comes out of what you choose to find in life, your trust in God, and the love you choose to embrace.