Define the relation(oh, sh*t)

You just had to say it, didn’t you?

Those three words that rip the comforter right out from under me. I instantly feel the need to cover up, suddenly aware of how vulnerable and exposed I am.

“What are we?”

I stare back at you in silence. You can tell I’m deep in thought and patiently wait for my reply. What’s on my mind? Well, to be honest, I’m thinking about how there is half a burrito in my fridge and wondering if it’s rude to go get it. I bite my tongue. I can tell you won’t think my avoidance is charming this time.

I continue to stare, wondering what I’m going to say. I should have known this was coming. We were quickly running out of pavement on our road trip to nowhere and, sooner or later, asking for some type of direction was inevitable.

Isn’t there some type of level between “he’s my boyfriend” and “remember that one time we made out”? It’s not like I want you to be with other people. Hell nah. I like you, and that’s a sentiment I don’t normally dole out. But making it official just seems so, official. In a very selfish way, I’m not sure I can lose you — having someone to talk to and spend my nights with has been nice and convenient.

And now here we are. With however many months under our belts just playing around while trying to protect ourselves from those-things-we-call-feelings. Yet it seems everything is about to change. You lie there, looking at me expectantly like I’m about to tell you exactly what you want to hear. My mind (and heart) race through all of the possible consequences my words could bring.

After making my decision, I know I need to act quickly to minimize the damage. Leaning over, I kiss you softly. This is how we communicate best. With one sweet kiss, I attempt to let you know exactly how I feel without ever saying a word. You grab my head and kiss me back, clearly reciprocating those “remember when we wouldn’t get feelings?” state of mind.

So we didn’t have the talk. But without speaking we defined much more than our heads were willing to admit. And sometimes, that’s more telling than what I could stumble over my words to say. We both know we’ll get to the conversation eventually, but for now we settle for a good leftover burrito and an even better night spent together.

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