A year ago, I would never have thought I would be where I am today. Not in the sense of career accomplishments, financial comfort or romantic relationships. Rather, I would never allow myself to think that I could change my way of thinking, and incorporate more of what I thought was useless to create, what I now see as one of the most satisfying life experiences I have had. Nothing has really changed. I am “back to square one” in the sense of my living situation and work. I have stopped dying my hair, so for the first time in 15 years I know what color it truly is. I am more aware of how much I love my city. Somehow, though, I do not want or crave anything other than what is in my life now.

One major change took place though, although still in its’ abstract stages. I suddenly realized how much I appreciate systematic and “difficult” intellectual stimulation and the educational opportunities available to me. I accepted that I WANT to learn. I started to bask in the feeling of learning a new word or concept, seeing someone’s point of view, and examining, with the outcome of often releasing, my own dogmas and self-imposed“beliefs” from everything starting with social media, diet and exercise, academia, friendships, social models in urban environment, travel and forgiveness, I know I have mixed up values, feeling, events and activities in that statement, and that is my point. My view of EVERYTHING started to shift. One change let to a feeling of freedom. One failure, or what I would consider as such last year, led me to a feeling of relief and openness to the experience made possible by the “ misjudgement” I seemed to have executed. Suddenly all parts of my history, genealogy and previous endeavors, dreams and aspirations became relevant, while not holding any power on the present reality of what I feel and am curious about.

I am still worried about the future, and I definitely crave to feel more involved in my life via activities that I have yet to undertake. I am excited to face the fears, and yet I backtrack and hide a lot. One major difference now, is that I am truly aware of my hiding, fears and worries. It is as if, I watch my performance and instead of judging it, I am interested in it.

I say I want to spread love and joy. SO I smile at everyone. It is lovely to get a smile back or to feel like I am so light and happy in the midst of what seems lie a very heavy reality for some. However, then, lying awake at night, I think…that the hardest and perhaps most important thing to do and consider paying attention to, is how much love and how I can hold for that friend that has made me feel bad or rejected at one point. How much appreciation can I find for that teacher, who puts me in place of worry and vulnerability, for they point to my desire to be the best and fear of doing too much work. How do I love those people, without acting out of a sheer want for reconciliation and admiration. How to stop judging the past and simply open up to the present? I mean, truly??A year ago, I would never have thought I would be where I am today. Not in the sense of career accomplishments, financial comfort or romantic relationships. Rather, I would never allow myself to think that I could change my way of thinking, and incorporate more of what i thought was useless to create, what I now see as one of the most satisfying life experiences I have had. Nothing has really changed. I am “back to square one” in the sense of my living situation and work. I have stopped dying my hair, so for the first time in 15 years I know what color it truly is. I am more aware of how much I love my city. Somehow, though, I do not want or crave anything other than what is in my life now.

One major change took place though, although still in its’ abstract stages. I suddenly realized how much I appreciate systematic and “difficult” intellectual stimulation and the educational opportunities available to me. I accepted that I WANT to learn. I started to bask in the feeling of learning a new word or concept, seeing someone’s point of view, and examining, witht the outcome of often releasing, my own dogmas and self-imposed“beliefs” from everything starting with social media, diet and exercise, academia, frienships, social models in urban environment, travel and forgiveness, I know I have mixed up values, feeling, events and activities in that statement, and that is my point. My view of EVERYTHING started to shift. One change let to a feeling of freedom. One failure, or what I would consider as such last year, led me to a feeling of relief and openness to the experience made possible by the “ misjudgement” I seemed to have executed. Suddenly all parts of my history, genealogy and previous endeavors, dreams and aspirations became relevant, while not holding any power on the present reality of what I feel and am curious about.

I am still worried about the future, and I definitely crave to feel more involved in my life via activities that I have yet to undertake. I am excited to face the fears, and yet I backtrack and hide a lot. One major difference now, is that I am truly aware of my hiding, fears and worries. It is as if, I watch my performance and instead of judging it, I am interested in it.

I say I want to spread love and joy. SO I smile at everyone. It is lovely to get a smile back or to feel like I am so light and happy in the midst of what seems like a very heavy reality for some. However, lying awake at night, I think…that the hardest and perhaps most important thing to do and consider paying attention to, is how much love I can hold for that friend that has made me feel bad or rejected at one point. How much appreciation can I find for that teacher, who puts me in place of worry and vulnerability, for they point to my desire to be the best and fear of doing too much work. How do I love those people, without acting out of a sheer want for reconciliation and admiration. How to stop judging the past and simply open up to the present? I mean, truly??

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