The Most Traumatic Event of My Childhood: A Story in Pictures
Sometimes pictures are easier than words
This post contains triggering topics including childhood SA and is for 18+.
For more background on my story read the post below:
Me and Sasha, my babysitter at the time, on the subway. We were headed to an amusment park for the day. Or at least that’s where she told my mother we were going. I felt special that she wanted to take me. I was around 5 years old.
“Just a quick stop at my apartment first,” she said. I wasn’t too happy but what choice did I have? A man, who I’m guessing now was her boyfriend, answered the door. I heard them talking about me but I didnt know what they were saying. Sasha showed me a stuffed animal in the bedroom.
All of a sudden, the boyfriend appeared in the doorway. He had a menacing energy, so I could feel something was off. He told me to take off my clothes, or something along those lines. I was shocked and panicked.
He must mean just shoes and socks I tried to reason with myself, and took them off. But that made him angrier.
Thoughts raced through my mind as I froze in that spot. I became aware of the closet next to me (but no, I couldn't hide there, he would see) and the window on the other side. Sasha, I began to realize, was in on this.
I wondered how I ended up here and if God would save me. I then realized no, He would not. I blacked out as he aggressively undressed me.
How I felt in the next moments (or were they hours?) I saw only through plant medicine. I lay on the bed as he molested me, and I’m pretty sure Sasha did as well. They were both standing there at the foot of the bed and it felt like they were stomping on me, digging their heels in. Sasha’s betrayal and involvement twisted the knife.
Another picture of how it felt. I was the prey.
When he started raping me I left my body, and this earth. It felt like my head was flying in outer space, completely unmoored. These were my internal cries:
Physically, it felt like fire.
I had no idea if it would ever stop. But eventually, it did. All of a sudden I was standing again. I tried to hold on but the memory started fading fast. I quickly glanced at what was in front of me — the boyfriend’s legs — and told myself to always remember that I was here and the boyfriend was here.
Sasha handed me the stuffed animal she had shown me in the beginning and I pretended to be happy with it. Though I didn’t know why, I was scared stiff.
I was terrified to sit next to Sasha on the subway ride home, but I wasn’t sure why. I kept arguing with myself: It’s just Sasha, you love Sasha! She spoke about how much fun we had at the amusement park. I told myself, don’t believe her, that’s not where we went, though I wasn’t sure where we went exactly.
When we got home, I was so relieved. Finally on dry land. My mother asked how it was. I kept saying, “I don’t remember, I don’t remember.” “You don’t remember the rides?” She asked, confused. Eventually, I said that yes, I remembered.
