Body Image Reflections

“I wish my thighs were smaller”, “I wish my hips were bigger”, “I wish my tummy was flatter”.

Aliya Ismangil
Sep 4, 2018 · 3 min read
Image from Tsahi Levent-Levi

This post has been triggered by a recent discovery of a forgotten little piece entitled, 2017 Body Image Reflections, as I was rifling through some old documents in my Google Drive. I wrote it in the months leading up to the new year, a period that often prompts one to think back over the year they’ve experienced. It was a piece I intended to post at the time of writing but I got it into my head that it wasn’t long enough, yet I felt I had nothing else to add. Reading through it, I realise I still feel much the same when I think about my body.

It was a nice reminder for myself, like reading a letter from past me. Body image struggles are, unfortunately, a very common thing. So I thought I’d finally share this almost-forgotten piece in the slight chance it might put a mind to rest. Or at least reassure someone that anyone of any size can feel insecure.

2017 Body Image Reflections

It’s the end of the year, which inevitably brings reflection and a wave of newfound determination to make the new year better.

I could reflect on many aspects of my life this year, it’s been a tough one. But one thing that has been a constant for me in 2017, that hasn’t been so salient in previous years, is body image.

I started university at 63kg (I’m 169cm/5ft 7.5), a healthy weight, perhaps falling a tad heavier than the average for my height. But a lot of it was muscle. I was quite active then. I now weigh a consistent 69kg, with little muscle anywhere…

Let me start by saying, I am fully aware I am in no way unhealthily overweight. I still wear the national average clothes size. But I’ve changed in size and in response my mindset has changed too.

Whenever I point out this weight gain to my friends they say, you don’t look it, you always seem quite consistent. But the fact is, I’ve had to buy bigger clothes and I can feel it.

The thing is, I’ve never been fully happy with my body. In retrospect, I like to think I was happy then, when I was a fit and fighting 63kg. But in reality I remember always looking at pictures and thinking, “My thighs are too big, my legs are too chunky”. So to keep thinking that getting back to that weight will make me happier is a falsehood and a disservice to myself.

Now, I feel as unhappy with just about every other part of my body.

But I shouldn’t feel like this. Yes, I should eat healthier and regain my love of fitness. For the reason of being healthy and feeling good. Not because I feel rubbish about my body. There are plenty of girls out there with bodies I envy who have my exact measurements.

I have a way to go yet before I’m clinically overweight or unhealthy, which is not to excuse a lifestyle change for the better, but rather to remind myself that I’m not the reflection I see in the mirror.

Aliya Ismangil

Written by

Recent psychology graduate from The University of Manchester trying to find her way through life. I mostly write about said life and mental health.

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