2 months!

BANKS!

You’ve been alive for 2 months! Technically 2 months and 3 days! This whole months versus weeks debacle is confusing me… I am going to switch to monthly blogs, just as my mom predicted I would. :) I will still post weekly photos of you, but I can’t promise a riveting caption beyond the number of weeks that you are…

Reflecting on your first two months on Earth, I have decided to write about what I’ve lost and what I’ve gained since becoming a mom. (This is a prompt from this beautiful workshop I’m taking called Mothers Unfolding.) The numbers correlate with each other.

Lost:

  1. My skinny and toned body.
  2. Freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want.
  3. Sleep.
  4. My abs.

Gained:

  1. I’ve gained this new softness that I haven’t had in since I was young. I am literally retraining and regrowing my entire body. This new weak body gives me the opportunity to rebuild myself in a loving and thoughtful way. Some of my muscle tone in my old body came from stress and stronger muscles took over when the weaker ones were the ones that really needed attention. They were overshadowed by my stronger muscles. Now, I’ve got an even playing field… I can find more balance in my whole physical body, as long as I mindfully and lovingly develop myself.
  2. My days revolve around Banks… I’m singing and dancing and being as happy and loving as can be. At first, I was doing these things because I wanted his environment to be that way, but now I’m authentically wanting to do all of those things. :) I’m also living like a baby. I’m living slowly, in the moment, and honestly. Having a baby is so humbling. It can drive me crazy at times, (I want to move faster, do MORE things) but then I remember THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT I ASKED FOR! See video below…

3. I’ve gained sleepy smiles and giggles from this tiny human that I feel like I’ve known my whole life. His little face is such a mystery and a familiarity all at once. I love waking up to his coos, smiles and grunts. :)

4. I know I already said my body, but I want to address this separately. I firmly believe that your core is your place of power and authenticity. I’ve always had a weird relationship with my stomach. It has been a source of shame and discomfort for me, often. Growing a baby was the most challenging thing for me psychologically. I have been putting off writing a blog about my eating disorder, but I guess I’ll head over to another page and write about that and link it here. Anyway, Banks growing inside of my stomach and ripping my abs apart was devastating for me. I am still dealing with the loss of my strength and the mushy belly that replaced it… but I am finding this new sensation in my stomach that I didn’t have or notice before creating a baby. It’s like Banks carved out a space for all of this new light and creation that was locked deep within me to seep out. I am embracing these new sensations and breathing life into them. Rather than sucking my belly in and getting tense when I feel something, I now breathe deeply and allow myself to expand. I am still working through my dark feelings for my body, but I have a deep appreciation for it now. Kerry Washington put it best, “My body is the site of a miracle now. I don’t want to be pre-miracle.”

5. The gains far surpass this modest list… but the biggest thing I’ve gained is a new appreciation for what love is. Banks’s pure spirit is so beautiful, I can’t even describe it. He reminds me of the perfection/love that always lives in all of us.