My eating disorder.

I have been putting this blog off for well over a year. I think it’s because I didn’t know where to start. It all started in high school… the need to look a certain way, to feel a certain way. I began to try to control my eating in very unhealthy ways…

Actually, I think it should start on March 5th, 2015… in the wee hours of the morning… when I shared the thing I am most ashamed of with my friend Emma. In a text message conversation, she was telling me about hard things she was going through and asking for help. I always help people, I love giving advice, but I never let people help me.

ALLISON THOMAS:
I haven’t ever told anyone, not drew, not my mom, not even a journal… But in college, I really went through it with bulimia. Then I got really healthy, then too healthy, and lost like 15 pounds in a month from working out too often, then I got mono. Which was the universe telling me to stop effing killing myself and I knew it. But still… It kind of followed me off and on through life. I haven’t puked in several years now, but the idea still pops up when I least expect it to. So. Now you know my thing. I am not ready to share it with anyone else yet.

Although, it feels pretty okay to share it. Pretty natural. Even though it’s like a thing I feel ashamed of. I’m starting to realize that it’s not me. That’s not me. It’s just something that I went through. But the real me, the one who loved catching snakes in the backyard, and building forts, and directing my first grade in the musical production of Annie, while simultaneously starring in it… She’s the one I love, and I fight for her every day. Fight for that little girl in you.

Emma Portner:
I am very proud of you right now
and always
but I know.

ALLISON THOMAS:
Thank you.
say what you were saying. I keep seeing bubbles that disappear

Emma Portner:
How hard it is to overcome that and how hard it is to admit it it. You’ve got to be the most beautiful soul I’ll ever encounter. I am sure of this. You are extremely impactful, Allison.

ALLISON THOMAS:
I think the same of you.

Emma Portner:
I just … I will write you an email. Okay? But know that I won’t forget this right now. The beginning of March 5th, 2015.
It is an important one.

Emma helped me more than I can even fully understand. She made me feel safe to share my darkness with her. She didn’t try to fix me or make me feel better. She didn’t judge me. She simply listened and acknowledged my pain and suffering.

I am sure that most people that know me would never in a million years think that I suffered from bulimia… In fact, even my closest friends were SHOCKED to find out… I was a master at hiding. I still have self-confidence issues and body image issues. And that’s okay. This quote says it alllll.

There is a lot more to my story, but I feel like it’s not necessary to share. At least, not right now. My hope from sharing this much is that my friends, family, and most importantly, my students will understand that they can talk to me, if they need help. The weight that was lifted off of me from telling Emma was tangible.

I am hoping to choreograph a dance this year that is all about self-love and understanding that no matter what you’re going through, you’ve got this thing inside of you that is bigger than all of it. The dance will portray this in a playful way… because PLAY and LAUGHING at your darkness is the only way out. I mean, you’ve gotta acknowledge it, give it credit, cry some, and feel everything… but then you must SMILE at how beautiful it is to be alive.

For my dance, the dancers will begin as butlers. When I think of a butler, I think stuffy, personality-less, etc… but not these butlers… They will have serving trays with lids, and under the lid is where their secret “thing” is hiding. That thing turns out to be goggles (a metaphor for the light we all have within us). The butlers end up in goggles, swim suits and flippers by the end of the piece… “Brilliant Bathing Butlers.” Here is an excerpt of some of the choreography, complete with goggles. :)