You are three weeks old today! This week has had highs and lows. You are in the middle of your three week growth spurt, and we are feelin’ it! I’ll share some of those lessons, but first… I want to write about something I want to remember:
The way you feel when I’m holding you as you sleep. It is indescribable, but I’ll try to put it into words. Your soft little body curls up on my chest, your limp arms and tiny hands drape around me, your strong, miniature legs frog out on my belly, your chubby cheeks gently rest on me, and your soft little head fits right under my chin… it’s just the sweetest and warmest feeling. Like the best hug ever. You squeak and make the cutest noises. You remind me of a baby dove. I’m still a little stressed when I hold you- worried I’m going to wake you or break you… but with each breath I feel myself trusting in my instincts more and more. Being your mom is such an incredible responsibility. It’s such an honor and a gift. It’s overwhelming and exceptionally emotional.
Your Grannylu (your daddy’s mom) is reading a book that says that the more we let our emotions out, the more open we become. Well, Banks, you are my undoing. I have never cried more in my life. I find myself crying at your beauty and innocence, at how overwhelmed I am, at how scared I am, at how sweet you are, at how much I love your dad, at how amazing your grandparents are, at the loss of my old self and life, at the beautiful future we will have together… pretty much any song makes me cry. This week the one that’s getting me is “Once Upon A Dream.” How amazing it is to feel this opening happening. I’m trying to accept this change with grace and love. It is very hard. All change is hard, but you sweeten it.
You have screamed your head off for a few nights now. It’s heartbreaking. I want desperately to help you and soothe you. Your dad has a beautiful way with you. His calm nature chills you out (most of the time).
On Thursday night, the night before your 3rd week on our planet, you pushed your dad and I to a place of discomfort that led to me having a pretty intense breakdown. This sounds bad, but I view it as a really positive thing. I usually look at discomfort as a bad thing, something I try desperately to avoid. But, you’ve reminded me that any time we grow, it’s uncomfortable. That night, I realized I didn’t feel totally supported by Drew. I felt really alone in this journey. But, Drew came to me and held me tight. He was holding me so closely, and for once, I really trusted him. It’s not that I didn’t love and trust in him before, but that particular hug, it made me feel like I could surrender. This is a new feeling for me. I’ve felt it before, but not so powerfully as I did during this hug. So, BIG takeaway for Drew and I #1: I need more HUGS.
When Drew and I talked about what we learned from the breakdown (which could have easily turned into a fight if either of us hadn’t worked hard to be compassionate), it’s that we need to communicate more openly and lovingly with each other. We have both been short with each other, but if we would share our process, we would all benefit. For instance, Drew has this awesome idea to meditate while holding you during a screaming fit. He says he tries to just put out calm vibes to help you relax. He is viewing this whole thing as an opportunity to meditate.
I could go on about the details of how I learned different lessons this week, but the bottom line is this: Banks, you are pushing us into really uncomfortable territory. I’m so proud of how your dad and I are handling it. We are growing right along side you, buddy… maybe not physically, like you, but our hearts sure are growing for you and for each other. All three of us are feeling the growing pains this week, but what a gift you are.
I’m happy I’m writing this for you and my future self to read. Talking with your dad about this each week is going to strengthen our relationship greatly. I am using an amazing book by Wayne Dyer that studies the 81 verses from the Tao te Ching to help guide me through this fragile time in my life. It is called “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” I have been working with the third verse as you’ve been working towards your third week. I feel myself shifting, and I want to take advantage of this openness that you’re carving out in me.
The third verse is about living contentment. I worked on this a lot while soothing you at night. I realized I was walking so quickly, like I was in a hurry to get somewhere, but obviously I had nowhere to go. I learned to take tiny, baby steps and gently bounce you. It worked! You also love when I dance with you. I’ve had many doubts this week of whether or not I am doing this right, and I am realizing that I am not alone in this journey. I can tap into the most profound guidance that comes from my trust in the universe (Tao). Trust that everything will work out, and that something far beyond my control or understanding is holding me and supporting me. And since I’m trusting, I can release my fear, doubt and destructive behaviors because I have faith in something bigger than me. Thank you for helping me to rediscover this beautiful lesson.
“Remind yourself daily that there is no way to happiness; rather, happiness is the way.” -Wayne Dyer