The Journey

INTRODUCTION

Hi guys, for the tiny, tiny few of you who don’t know me. My name is Allanah Staggs. I am a member of the LDS (Mormon) Church and have been my whole life. I’m 22 years old, the oldest in my family. I’m currently going to school at Utah Valley University to get a bachelor’s degree in English and I have MDD or Major Depressive Disorder.

Yeah I know that went 0 to 100 real quick but this new blog is going to be about my journey of self discovery, my mental illness, the coping mechanisms I have used and do use. This blog isn’t about how my life sucks because it doesn’t, this isn’t that kind of journey. No, this blog is about how depression, anxiety and insomnia has affected my life and the methods that I’ve used to continue living despite my every cell wanting to just give up and die. This first post will be an introduction of me, my mental illness and how I learned and came to terms with my mental illness.

THE DISCOVERY

So honestly I’m pretty sure I’ve had Depression for a while but learned to put up a happy front and it wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that it really hit me. The summer of 2016 I barely left my bed, I didn’t see a point in life and I was constantly anxious. Seriously, I couldn’t even go to the grocery store let alone go to Church by myself. No one in my ward was mean, in fact it’s quite the opposite but my head liked to tell me that everyone was seeing every single jiggle my belly and thigh had to offer but if someone was with me and distracted me then sometimes I was fine. I would try and explain things to my mom and dad but at first it was just “you need a job”, “get an attitude adjustment”, “get over it”, “you don’t have a mental illness,” etc so I just stopped talking to them about it because it only made me feel worse. I would try think positively and count my blessings but the sadness didn’t disappear. I even tried exercising and nothing. I made a routine where I would read my scriptures daily, say my prayers but nothing. My life consisted of tears because the sunset reminded me of something or because I hadn’t cried in the last five minutes.

Finally towards the end of the summer my mom told me that she had a spiritual prompting to take me to a doctor. (Quick side note for those who aren’t religious)… As LDS members we believe that our Heavenly Father speaks to His children. There’s no one way that He talks to us, it’s unique to how every person listens. For me it’s at night while I’m falling asleep for my mom it’s early in the morning while she’s riding her bike.

Anyways, I hate the doctor but figured if a doctor tells her that I have a mental illness maybe she’ll believe me because at this point she thought that my depression was due to a thyroid problem. Turns out that it isn’t a thyroid problem but I actually have MDD (shocker…) and along with that I learned some scary truth.. I have a thing called PCOS and it isn’t something I like to talk about but it basically means that if I want children someday (and I do) then I need to take birth control. Dr. Hall prescribed the basic antidepressant called “Sertraline” and I had been taking from October till last week but that’s a story for another time.

When the Dr told me, affirmed my belief that I have depression I’m not going to lie when I say that it felt like a large heavy piece of red brick had been lifted off of my back. Since the doctor confirmed it, my mom started treating me with the sensitivity that I had wanted for so long. Having my mom accept my mental state and not ridicule me or telling the doctor that she was wrong meant so much to me and I realize not every story is the same and it shouldn’t be. This is my story.

Next Chapter: Coping Mechanisms, what worked for me and what didn’t.

Allanah Marie Staggs

Written by

A 22 year old college girl who wants to share her story