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Truth In Satire

8 Worst Things Donald Trump Is Willing To Do To Avoid A Mueller Indictment

Get ready, the worst is yet to come, as POTUS unleashes an assortment of ominous distractions to escape impeachment

How do you throw a seasoned prosecutor off your scent? Donald Trump is determined to find a way. (Credit:

President Donald Trump is an expert at using diversions and distractions to steer the media’s and public’s attention away from his many felonious acts.

Now, as Robert Mueller’s vise methodically closes, the president is especially keen on drawing the special counsel off the scent of his impeachable misdeeds.

That’s why Americans should worry, and be asking themselves, exactly how far is Donald Trump willing to go to duck his indictment?

Far, no doubt. Too far probably.

Here, then, are the 8 Worst Things Donald Trump Is Willing To Do To Avoid Indictment:

  1. Make noise about becoming president for life. Now that would really make people sit up and take notice, wouldn’t it? President for life?! Like what President Xi in China just did? Like what every dictator who has ever ruled had done?? Oh, wait, sorry, President Trump already pulled that diversionary tactic, just last week! See
  2. Invite the Russians to interfere with the 2018 elections. If you are a fan of democracy, free and fair elections, and the principle of one person, one vote, you would be shocked if the president didn’t slam the door on any future meddling by the Russians in our election process. You would be further incensed if he clipped the wings of our intelligence apparatus and seemed to ignore their warnings about the inevitable Russian interference in the 2018 midterms. Uh, hang on, appears that Donald Trump might have already used that distraction:
  3. Turn his back on the teenage victims of Florida’s school shooting — and 66% of Americans who are demanding stricter gun control laws — while flip-flopping on his pledge to crack down on gun violence. The media would have a field day if Donald Trump ever tried to stall Mueller’s indictments by fomenting nationwide chaos over the gun issue. Especially after he just pledged in front of dozens of family members at the White House who were traumatized by the Parkland school shooting that he wasn’t afraid of the NRA and would make gun control and rational school safety a top priority. Stand by — just getting word that Mr. Trump did abandon America’s school children and buckled under NRA pressure:
  4. Defy reality by claiming his recorded voice on the “Access Hollywood” tape isn’t his voice at all. Hahaha. That’s so silly. A President of the United States denying that his recorded voice isn’t his and isn’t real? Forget indictment or impeachment, that kind of divorce from reality would be grounds for immediate commitment to a mental hospital. What?! Oh, geez, he didn’t:
  5. Give a shout out to Nazis. Nazis get people’s undivided attention because they were, and are, pretty much the worst people ever to walk the planet. So if you’re a president with the need for a huge diversion, and you want to get the media and the rest of the world in a tizzy, just suggest that Nazis aren’t such bad guys after all. Before you know it, collusion with Russians doesn’t seem so awful anymore, because you’re fully focused on retching over a toilet bowl. No president has ever endorsed Nazis before, and no president ever…what’s that? Charlottesville? What about Charlottesville?
  6. Ruin America’s image as the best country in the world by dropping it to a lowly sixth place and counting. Americans take pride in having had the top spot in terms of international image for decades. But not anymore. The president has dragged the nation down to sixth place behind Germany, France, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Japan. And he did it in just a year. If you don’t think that’s an enormous distraction, consider that American businesses overseas are affected by this plunge in perception, American tourists are looked down upon and sometimes mistreated, and American investment vehicles, from bonds to the U.S. currency, are perceived as less valuable. And Donald Trump was able to achieve this singlehandedly:
  7. Turn the hottest hot spot on Earth into an even hotter hotbed of extreme horrors: You want to engage in head turning outrage, the kind of head turning that makes everyone look the other way as you bungle the presidency and destroy America? All you have to do is light a match to the historical powder keg that is the Middle East. And there is no better way to do that than to declare Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel. Every president since the 1940s has known to stay away from that third rail, and with any luck this president will to…NO, NO, NO…that crazy motherfucker!
  8. Keep children up at night, as well as every American with a love of life, by taking the country to the brink of nuclear war. A nuclear confrontation has a way of distracting the shit out of everybody, including the intrepid and unflinching Robert Mueller. So if the president was to tweet, tweet, tweet about using nukes against his perceived enemies, he’d certainly have a diversion that could stop an indictment, as well as your heart from beating. But no responsible leader would ever do such a careless thing. Oy gevalt:


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