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Truth In Satire

Entertainment Industry Cancels All TV And Film Projects Involving Men

Hollywood nips sexual harassment controversy in the bud by announcing “all female” casts and crews in the future

Some of the men taking a permanent break from their entertainment careers. (Credit: thesource.com)

In an effort to limit the damage of alleged sexual misconduct by male actors, producers, directors, cinematographers, television talk show hosts, casting agents, editors, show runners, gaffers and others involved in TV and film production, the entertainment industry announced today that it was cancelling all projects involving men for the foreseeable future.

Charlie “Can’t Find My Pants” Rose has closed his yak trap. (Credit: reuters.com)

“In recent months, we’ve seen a rash of sexual harassment allegations against many of the male titans of our industry,” said Bob Folly, President of the Screen Actors Guild. “As a result, our union has agreed that, in the short term, motion picture and television productions shall be restricted to all female casts and crews. This is a dramatic step but necessary in order to restore confidence in the safety and integrity of our industry.” After he made his statement, Mr. Folly was accused by six women of groping their genitals in the past.

Mark Halperin, a master at masturbating behind his desk. (Credit: www.businessinsider.com)

While all television networks, movie studios, and independent producers have agreed to this interim step, it is unclear how quality entertainment can be created without a single man involved, either in front or behind the camera.

“We’re confident that the talented women of our industry can pick up the slack left by the lascivious men who’ve been molesting us and creeping us out for generations,” said Barbara Klondike, Acting President of the Directors Guild of America (DGA). Ms. Klondike recently replaced Roy Abernathy, who stepped down after 18 women accused him of holding meetings wearing nothing but an open bathrobe and occasionally masturbating in front of them.

And let’s not forget two men who lead the way. (Credit: nydailynews.com)

Asked how women can step into roles that clearly call for men, like biopics about male figures throughout history, popular action heroes like Iron Man or X-Men, and parts written for male romantic interests, Ms. Klondike responded, “In case you’ve been asleep, there has been a sexual revolution in America and now gender roles are switched, reversed, and basically interchangeable. Regarding action heroes, did you see Wonder Woman? Gal Gadot was heroic, powerful, and amazing. And we’ve got a thousand women in film and television just like her. Frankly, we don’t need men.”

Asked to comment for this article, no man representing the TV and film industries was available, as all were negotiating hush payments with their female victims or doing damage control before public disclosures of their own sexual transgressions.

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