National Weather Service says longest, coldest season on record probably caused by a Dementor Air Mass over Washington

Allan Ishac
Apr 2, 2018 · 2 min read
Donald Trump is being blamed for a depressingly long, cold winter because he’s draining sunshine from the skies above America. (Credit: 9GAG.com)

The National Weather Service, inundated with calls from citizens around the country upset with the unusually long, cold, dark winter, is now blaming it on a “prevailing Dementor Air Mass hanging over the United States” caused by Donald Trump.

“We have never seen a Dementor Air Mass, or DAM, of this magnitude completely suck all sunshine, along with every shred of hope or happiness, from the atmosphere around it,” said Dr. Wayne Cartright, the highest-ranking meteorologist at the National Weather Service. “We have tracked the source of the DAM to Washington. Incredibly, this depressing weather pattern can be traced directly to the Oval Office and the lingering presidency of Donald J. Trump.”

The Dementor Air Mass is quite visible in this photo taken over a Washington, D.C. shopping mall in early March. (Credit: http://metro.co.uk/2017/03/05)

According to Dr. Cartright, a Dementor Air Mass occurs when a soulless creature, often corrupt and evil, feeds on human decency and happiness leaving nothing but despair and decay in its wake.

“We’ve done the calculations and Donald Trump has all the qualities of someone who could trigger a huge, destructive DAM. The bone chilling cold that many people are complaining about is the kind of thing we see when a DAM gets right to the core of the country.”

Asked when he thought the Dementor Air Mass might pass, allowing sunshine and a positive outlook to return to America, Dr. Cartright said, “Very difficult to predict. An impeachment process would curtail the DAM but that could take months, even years, basically destroying all prospects for a decent summer. What we like to see when these atmospheric patterns become entrenched is a quick resignation. In that event, the clouds part within days and we could see optimism return to the country in a matter of weeks. That’s the scenario we’re all hoping for at this point.”

Until then, the National Weather Service suggests taking Vitamin D, watching uplifting movies, and protesting in the streets as much as one’s melancholy mood permits.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Allan Ishac

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I read. I write. I ride. I rest. I RESIST!

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