Truth In Satire

Heated Exchange Between President And First Lady Caught On Open Microphone

Transcript of conversation that included unsparing personal insults was leaked to reporters just hours after incident occurred

Things are not so rosy in the Rose Garden. (Credit: lifeandstylemag.com)

A war of words ensued at the White House on Saturday between President Donald Trump and his wife Melania and the angry exchange was recorded on an open microphone left behind after a press conference in the Oval Office.

A transcript was later leaked to reporters by a source inside the West Wing. Its authenticity was confirmed by at least two other sources.

“One really solid kidney punch and he’d go down like a sack of potatoes.” (Credit: youtube.com)

The First Lady is heard entering the room moments after the last of the reporters has departed. Mrs. Trump wastes no time tearing into her husband about the unfolding details of an affair the president had with the porn actress Stormy Daniels:

Melania: You lying, cheating, skirt-chasing, lowlife, orange son-a-bitch! Jumping on every slutapotamus who passes within reach of those little hands of yours. I despise you!

Trump: Melania, take it easy…I never had sex with that woman.

Melania: Go to hell, Donald…Bill Clinton already used that line and no one believed him either!

“How I would love to smash my cheating husband right in the teeth.” (Credit: http://madamenoire.com)

Trump: You’re getting worked up over nothing, honey. Take Air Force One down to Mar-a-Lago, throw on a bikini, and get some sun on your boobs. You’ll feel better.

Melania: Don’t ‘sun on your boobs’ me, you lecherous lump of flaccid flab nuts. I want the truth about you and that ploobadoof and I want it now.

Trump: I told you, Melania — Stormy and me, we just talked. No hanky-panky. Ask anyone. Ask Rudy, or Cohen…ask any Republican member of Congress. They’ll all tell you the same thing, that I barely know the woman, believe me.

“I could easily throat punch him from this angle.” (Credit: us.blastingnews.com)

Melania: Poljubi me na rit, ti baraba! (Slovenian translation: “Kiss my ass, you bastard!”). I should have known when that pussy tape came out that mine wasn’t your only pussy!

Trump: Look, you got your floozy dresses, your twatwobbler high heels, the gold digger house, I even got you legal-looking citizenship papers. What more do you want from me?! Now shut up and get out before I send you back to the pig farm where I plucked you from.

Melania: Ti si pes iz pekla! (Slovenian translation: “You are a dog from hell!”). I was pregnant, Donald! I was PREGNANT when you slept with that shag bag, you loathsome walking chin sack!

Donald: Kelly! John, get in here!

Melania: Don’t you dare call one of your ball-sucking lackeys into this room, do you hear me, Donald? Brezvredna kukavica! (Slovenian translation: “You worthless coward!”)

“I couldn’t stand this contemptible couch Cheeto from day one — why the hell did I stick around? ” (Credit: cosmopolitan.com)

Sound of door opening, male voice, possibly Chief of Staff John Kelly.

Kelly: Sir, is everything okay in here?

Melania: NO, it’s not okay, you slimy, servile, piece of sycophantic shit. NOW GET OUT! In vzemite s svojim neumnim obrazom! (Slovenian translation: And take your stupid face with you!)

Sound of door closing.

Trump: MILLER! Steven, get in here…hurry up!

Melania: If that mechanical robot enters this office, Donald, I swear I’m going to rip the motherboard right out of his chest. Ne bom vzel kiborgovega sranja! (Slovenian translation: I am not going to take any of his cyborg shit!)

Stilted voice heard in hallway outside of Oval Office, possibly that of Steven Miller, an aide to the president and a Russian-built android.

Miller: MISTER PRESIDENT, I AM FORBIDDEN TO DISARM SOVIET-BORN SUCCUBI OR SHE-DEVILS. DISABLING THE VAMPIRESS IS NOT WITHIN MY PROGRAMMING PARAMETERS.

Trump (yelling): Goddammit, what the hell did I pay Vlad for if I can’t even get a functioning assassin robot in the White House?! For fuck’s sake!

“Please, Lord, let him go blind.” (Credit: nymag.com)

Melania: You’re all alone now, Donnie, you cockless excuse for a man. Now I’m going to bitch slap you all the way from the Hamilton painting to the MLK statue and back again. Pripravite se na jok, kot mali otrok, ki ste! (Slovenian translation: Prepare to cry like the little baby that you are!)

Door opens again. Woman’s voice. Possibly Ivanka Trump.

Ivanka: Not so fast, you sorry Slovenian slutbucket. That’s my Daddy you’re about to bitch slap, and no one bitch slaps Daddy but me!

Sound of snarling, shrill screams, and aggressive fighting follows. A chair slides back, loud commotion, heavy footfalls of a fat man running.

Trump: Kelly, fire up Marine One and get me out of here! Rudy, go on Fox & Friends, tell my base I had to leave town for an urgent summit meeting with Fidel Castro or something. Sarah, speak to the reporters, make up some bull about Melania, that she had to return to the home country for Turnip Month. Miller, change the locks on the Oval so Melania can’t get back in here again without an escort…and shackles. Jared, go upstairs and grab my Hefner robe, slippers, bronzing spray, hair gel, a couple bags of Cheetos, and my Rolodex, then meet me at the chopper. Pence, take over. Miller, watch Pence, don’t let him touch anything. Everyone else, look busy!

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI