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Truth In Satire

“I LOVE IT!” By Donald Trump Jr.

27 other things I absolutely love, besides getting dirt from Russian agents on Hillary Clinton that swayed the presidential election

I love the smell of my palms in the morning. (Credit: Quartz)

Hi, I’m Donald Trump Jr., and as a high-quality person, I love many things, particularly gathering incriminating information about that nasty woman, Hillary Clinton.

Here’s a bunch of other stuff I love:

  1. Elephants, leopards, alligators, water buffalo, and other wild animals that are unarmed and can’t take a bullet.
  2. Pomade. I love it!
  3. Money. Ill-gotten gains are just as good as the legitimate stuff.
  4. My father, my mother, my sisters, my brothers, and my wife. And my wife’s sister. And the summer babysitter from Tulane. And that female flight attendant on Air Force One with the ginger who’s-a-whatsit.[Take my wife off the list, but don’t tell her.]
  5. Espionage. It’s so fucking cool!
  6. Walking off Marine One and having those soldiers salute me next to my father like I’m the second in command. Gotta love that military protocol shit!
  7. Dad making me CEO of Trump International and getting a bigger office than my brother. Suck it, Eric!
  8. Sleeping with the enemy. But, really, who knows who the enemy is anymore? We’re global. International. One big happy planet under Russia.
  9. Calling up people and having them practically shit themselves because I’m the president’s son. So great.
I love dressing in Italian suits and taping my ties together so I look like a mini-president. (Credit: ABC News)

10. Tweeting nasty stuff right after my father, giving it the old one-two Trump punch.

11. I love being in the spotlight. Except when Mueller is holding the lamp right in my face and it gets really hot and the questions never stop.

12. I love black licorice. And I can’t stand people who say they prefer red licorice, because those red twists aren’t licorice at all. They’re totally fake! Red licorice lovers are just liars. Hate that.

13. Steven Seagal, because he’s a super badass actor and I kind of look like him. And he knows karate…EEEE-AYYY!

14. I love the record number of supporters who attended Dad’s inauguration in the National Mall. I also love Photoshop.

15. I’m very into “obfuscation.” That’s a fancy word that means “making things hard for people to understand.” It can get you out of a lot of jams if you obfuscate, at least that’s what the lawyers say. I also like being completely transparent.

I love a two-day growth of beard, because it makes me look more adult-like. (Credit: Huffington Post)

16. I love Ivanka’s Fall Collection. (My mother told me to say that. My real mother, not Melania.)

17. I totally love my allowance money, which Dad gives me every two weeks now, instead of once a month.

18. Pinky Floyd’s The Wall—come on, it’s like our fucking family theme song!

19. I love being only 39-years-old. Because I’ll have my whole life ahead of me after serving out my prison sentence!

20. Places where I can smoke cigars and piss off a few of those clean-air fuss pots.

21. I love those Caribbean islands where you can hide money in off-shore bank accounts. I’m pretty sure they hide people there, too. I’m going to check.

22. I consider it a huge honor, and a major love of mine, to visit America’s great Red States. Especially the ones where you can fly in for a political event in the afternoon and be back in New York City by dinnertime.

I love talking about the adoption issue — it’s a passion of mine. (Credit: CBC.ca)

23. I really love, love, love all the Secret Service agents who keep me and my family safe. I hope they’re listening. And not sleeping. Ever.

24. I love how easy it is to cover up our family’s crimes by calling media reports “Fake News!” and letting Hannity take it from there.

25. I love Jews and I love Jared. (Is it Jews, with a capital “J” or jews, lower case? And is Jared with a big J, or are first names that begin with J not capitalized? J’s always give me trouble.)

26. I extra love President Vladimir Putin, my father’s good friend, cybersecurity partner, and btw, it’s time to move forward in working constructively with Russia.

27. Most of all, I love Mike Pence, who will soon have the power to grant full pardons, returning our family to its rightful place at the top of Trump Tower, where we can resume our command of a real estate empire and keep blacks out of our rental units.

I LOVE IT!

****

I read every comment.

Thank you.

–AI

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