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Truth In Satire

If Your Country Can’t Make Donald Trump Rich, Sorry, He Just Isn't Interested

President’s worldview is so dysfunctional it poses a threat to any nation not home to a Trump golf course

He has started to refer to America as Trump country. (Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com)

Delusional, paranoid, and politically unsophisticated, Donald Trump has such a distorted concept of the world that nothing in it is relevant unless it is about him.

Eastern Europe breeds nice, temporary wives. That’s about it. (Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com)

His ego is so fragile every nation on earth is a potential threat, even longstanding allies, unless they are a source of income for him and his family. His global understanding is so startlingly naive that the world needs to be constantly vigilant and always worried as long as Mr. Trump is in office.

The president can’t look at an African nation with any measure of equanimity because he knows that “Barack Obama was born somewhere over there.” He doesn’t like anything about South America because his suits don’t sell well in equatorial climates. And he can’t figure out how to manipulate Europe to his personal advantage, so decades-old alliances are dropping by the wayside.

That big continent is Obama country — full stop. (Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com)

Bombing North Korea off the planet, on the other hand, could make him look tough — forget the tens of millions who would die in the first five minutes of any nuclear conflict — so Mr. Trump has studied a map of the world long enough to compute that the nuclear fallout wouldn’t reach his Mar-A-Lago resort in Florida for a couple of months. That’s plenty of time to book a few more lucrative socialite weddings on the property before the radiation levels peak.

As Aaron Nemo put it in his brilliant and funny Huffington Post article, Donald Trump is so globally out of touch, he thinks that an Indian mogul ripped him off when he built his iconic Taj Mahal mausoleum, imitating a Trump Atlantic City casino of the same name.

Isis, Isis, everywhere. Even over there. (Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com)

But his egocentric, self-serving approach to anything outside of America might also offer the world a strategy for managing President Trump: give him “treats.”

Just like any small child who has a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way, Donald Trump will respond to treats — a delicacy, an indulgence, a guilty goodie, anything that takes his mind off the object of his pouting long enough for him to forget all about it. Mental health experts estimate that Mr. Trump can stay focused on any one gripe for about two minutes, so the presentation of treats is a very smart approach.

And great attaches, too. (Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com)

Here’s an example: President Trump often gets sulky around Angela Merkel of Germany. She simply prepares him some of the German pastries he remembers and loved as a child (his grandfather was born in Germany). Then she ships those yummy gifts by FedEx (that will make him feel important) to the White House with a note telling Mr. Trump that she is always thinking about him. He’ll forget all about his foreign policy concerns while he’s munching on a black forest cake and then he’ll tweet, “Angela Merkel sent delicious indulgences acknowledging my greatness. Love her. Very cool!”

Crisis averted. It’s so simple with a simpleton.

So here’s the proposal: Every country on the planet needs to assemble a box of special treats for Mr. Trump indigenous to their nation. Red bean paste delicacies from Korea, shortbread cookies from Scotland, flan from Mexico, baklava from Iraq, like that. The more fattening the better. The moment you sense that President Trump is posing a threat to your sovereign nation, call FedEx.

This is going to work. Globally guaranteed.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

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