Truth In Satire
Mar-a-Lago’s Leaked Visitor Log Reads Like Who’s Who Of Forgotten Celebrities
Sad lineup of former superstars could explain President Trump’s reluctance to release guest list for his Florida club
President Trump’s refusal to release the visitor log for Mar-a-Lago, as ordered by a Federal District Court in July, has angered government ethics groups who believe he’s trying to hide something.
Advocates for government transparency speculate that the secrecy surrounding the logs involves Mr. Trump’s attempt to conceal the identities of individuals who might have been doing business with him at Mar-a-Lago, including real estate developers, Wall Street financiers, oil and energy executives, as well as foreign investors.
But with the unexpected leak of the visitor logs yesterday, there’s ample evidence now that President Trump is simply embarrassed by the C-list level of celebrities and one-time newsmakers who have been frequenting Mar-a-Lago since he took office.
Before Mr. Trump ran for president, he was often seen with Hollywood’s hottest celebrities, eager to hobnob with any VIP who would stand next to
him. Since he was elected, the A-list movers-and-shakers in business and entertainment have shunned the president and his family, forcing him to host a motley crew of famously forgotten film and television superstars, previously imprisoned CEOs, and a bunch of Iowa pig farmers.
Here are just a few of the once-somebodies who’ve been clogging the beaches at the “southern White House” since January:
HENRY KISSINGER: While the president feels he has to put up with the former Republican Secretary of State dropping by all the time, he can’t stand the venerable statesman’s slow, foghorn delivery and pompous self-importance. He also says Kissinger devours Mar-a-Lago’s acclaimed lobster casserole “like the old man hasn’t eaten since Vietnam…he’s costing me a fucking fortune.” The president now orders Jared Kushner, a fellow Jew, to sit through Dr. Kissinger’s long-winded monologues on China policy and instructs him to “find out everything you can from that doddering tugboat about how to elude a special prosecutor.”
JESSICA SIMPSON: President Trump fell for busty blonde Daisy Duke, played by Ms. Simpson, in the 2005 film Dukes of Hazzard. The president was particularly enamored of the character because he thought she was married in real life to David Duke, the white nationalist, Holocaust denier, and former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Back then, Jessica Simpson was also the kind of A-list va-va-voomer who Donald Trump loved to have swinging her red, white, and blue bikini around the Mar-a-Lago cabana. But since that star turn, the singer’s weight has yo-yoed like Alicia Machado’s — the former Miss Universe who candidate Trump turned into a verbal punching bag. And now Simpson, the big and bigoted Trump supporter, is seen milling around Mar-a-Lago’s kitchen waiting for slices of Presidential Patriot Pie, a new creation from the club’s pastry chef. Mr. Trump says privately that he would have booted her out months ago, but “now she’s married to some behemoth NFL tight end, not David Duke, and the two of them won’t get off my property.”
BILL COSBY: The president knows full well that it is extremely controversial to host the former funny man — currently battling a slew of sexual abuse charges — at his high-visibility resort. But he has told aides that he feels sorry for the once-beloved “black master of misogyny.” After checking with his doctors to make sure that chauvinism does not cause blindness (the onset of which Mr. Cosby is currently dealing), the president offered the star of the late 1980’s sitcom, The Cosby Show, a permanent invitation to Mar-a-Lago. Questioned about this decision, Mr. Trump said, “Look, there’s no escaping it, Cosby and I have a lot in common. We both love beautiful women. And while you might not agree with his methods, Bill knows how to bed down a lot of those gorgeous ladies. You gotta respect him for his persistence. Negro or not, I just can’t toss the guy in the gutter. Call me sentimental.”
TILA TEQUILA: While the president has no idea who this Tequila woman is, and when asked simply responds, “I don’t drink,” he has seen her in a bikini by the pool at Mar-a-Lago many times and told the Secret Service to let her stay. If Mr. Trump had inquired any further, he would have learned that Ms. Tequila is a former MTV star and social media personality, as well as a neo-Nazi and self-professed Hitler supporter, who enthusiastically campaigned for him last year. In 2016, she also tweeted, “There are only two things in this world for which I would gladly sacrifice my own life; the destruction of all Jews and preservation of the white race.” The kind of Republican Party spokesperson beloved in trailer parks everywhere, Ms. Tequila also starred in a hardcore porn film titled, “Tila Tequila: Backdoored and Squirting,” which the president said he looks forward to premiering at the Mar-a-Lago Halloween party in October for children of his White House staff.
WAYNE NEWTON: On days when “Mr. Las Vegas” has been shot full of embalming fluid and is animated enough to leave his 17,000 sq. ft., luxury coffin and travel to Florida, the “Danke Schoen” crooner joins Donald Trump for side-by-side hair dressing appointments. The avid supporter of Mr. Trump, who told Fox & Friends during last year’s campaign, “I love Donald, and he would make a great president,” has said that he is also a big fan of Ivanka Trump’s hair and make-up products. “Her blush is to die for and no one makes a lipstick that goes on silkier and stays on longer. The Trumps are all about indulgence, and that’s going to be reflected in a new collection of luxury cosmetics that Donald and Ivanka told me about on my last visit to Palm Beach. They’re calling it ‘First Family Facial Care’ and it will feature a full line of ‘cover-ups.’ How perfect is that!”
Author’s Note: Many readers have asked why the trio of dimwit goobers, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock, are missing from the list of has-beens and hillbillies visiting Mar-a-Lago. Apparently, President Trump has forbid them future entry to the club due to a large quantity of beer cans, bullets, and butts left near the pool area, as well as significant property damage discovered after their last visit.
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