Not Even Satire

Melania, He’s Been Shagging Porn Stars Under Your Nose, You Can Leave Him Now

An open letter to the First Lady explaining the procedure in cases of an adulterous husband who’s been caught screwing hookers

Donald Trump with Stormy Daniels, a porn star with whom he exchanged bodily fluids. Melania was not present during the exchange. (Credit: wallstreetjournal.com)

Dear Melania,

In America, when your husband is caught cheating on you a year after you’ve exchanged marital vows, and adds insult to injury by humiliating you publicly with that very same act, the expected course of action is for you to walk out on him while simultaneously calling your attorney who will immediately file for divorce on your behalf.

It’s slightly complicated in your case by the fact that you’re the First Lady and your husband is the faux POTUS. But that doesn’t change the fact that your spouse, Donald Trump, is a cheater, a womanizer, a pathological liar, not to mention a consummate misogynist, all qualities that will entitle you to the juicy perks, lucrative payouts, and hefty settlement packages typical with a messy divorce.

The First Lady on Air Force One sorting through her jewelry before an important White House dinner. (Credit: india.com)

Now, some will say that you have a responsibility of your own in this case, that you knew the man’s reputation before you married Donald Trump, and that you made your own bed, so now have to lie in it.

They might also say that you were no choir girl yourself when you met The Donald, having done many racy modeling jobs, even appearing nude in some photo shoots, and working for a fashion agency that had its own “elite escort service.”

Your own sketchy behavior notwithstanding, you’re still permitted to walk out on a bogus marriage with your sexually deviant husband.

In fact, you must.

Perhaps in Slovenia married men can go out and bang a few of the village lovelies, or an occasional goat, and no one looks up from his or her schnapps. But here in America when you allow your husband to get away with such a thing, you are considered an enabler. You must take dramatic action or people will think you are a cuckqueen, weak-willed, lacking any semblance of self-respect.

Didn’t you realize that he was really more interested in blondes even back then? (Credit: people.com)

Plus, just think of all the amazing attention you will receive as the very first First Lady to join the #MeToo movement. You’ll be a hero to abused and oppressed women everywhere. It will make the front page of all the tabloids. And you’ll definitely get your own talk show on top of the gargantuan alimony and child support payments. It’ll be a coup for you and a fabulous entertainment event for the rest of the country.

Nothing would make America happier, Melania, than to see you drive those lethal stilettos deep into Donald Trump’s skeevy schwanz. (Credit: usatoday.com)

So, Melania, put all thoughts of capitulation behind you and muster the courage to leave this boorish lug. Your self-esteem depends on it, the reputation of your Slovenian countrymen requires it, and the honor of women everywhere demands it.

What better day to drive the heel of your stilettos into the groin of your philandering husband than today, January 20th, the first anniversary of the Women’s March?

Steel yourself, Melania, step to the front door of the White House and walk out. Hundreds of thousands of us will be there to greet you. And together we can say — SCREW YOU DONALD TRUMP!

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI