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Truth in Satire

My Prediction That Trump Will Resign By August 18th Has Been Revised To July 15th

Events out of Washington have prompted me to recalibrate my psychic powers and recalculate the date of the president’s demise

Yeah, yeah, just go already.

On March 25th, I wrote a post about the inevitable resignation of Donald Trump that was read on Medium by more than 420,000 politically astute and still hopeful American citizens.

I’m now slightly embarrassed to admit that my prediction was wrong — my prophecy was off by a factor of 25 insane tweets, nine impeachable offenses, four treasonous acts, one damning FBI memo, and an as yet undisclosed sex scandal involving the president and a top White House aide.

This tight burst of historic fuck-ups on the part of Mr. Trump in just his first 110 days in office has forced me to change my predicted date of his voluntary resignation from August 18th to July 15th.

In my defense, I want to say that not even Nostradamus could have foreseen the level of ineptitude, audacity, sheer stupidity, and egregious disregard for the office of the president that Mr. Trump has displayed.

Edgar Cayce’s prophetic instrument would not have been finely tuned enough to register the Orange Accident’s astonishing string of politically-oafish bloopers.

Nor does The Amazing Kreskin, a human oracle, possess the “inner sight” to have foretold the breathtaking range of gaffes, blunders, slips of the tongue, and reckless diplomatic actions racked up by this president.

This is not an excuse for missing my predictive call by more than four weeks—that’s a monster fail on my part. All I am saying is that what we are witnessing here with Donald Trump is unprecedented, and so fast moving, that it is beyond what any seer might have been able to divine before the fact.

Still, I do want to apologize to the tens of thousands who might have already sent out invitations to their “Resignation Celebrations,” “Impeachment Parties,” and “Farewell Fetes” for August 18th rather than July 15th based on my earlier prediction. Although I am going to hazard a guess that there will be few among your invitees who will object to an acceleration in Donald Trump’s stepping down process by a month.

Please feel confident now in rescheduling your “So-Long Sucka Soirees” and “Au Revoir Receptions” for July 15th, as my crystal ball is telling me that there is almost nothing Mr. Trump could do at this point that would advance the date of his demise any further.

That said, maybe you should wait another week or so before ordering the party food and the beverages?

Thank you and God bless.

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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