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Truth In Satire

Pence Sues Mueller For Dragging Feet On Ending Trump Presidency

“He knows I’ve had my Oval Office slippers ready for months, but he’s taking his own sweet time just to make me crazy,” says VP

Mike Pence is suing Robert Mueller for “a cruel and unusual delay” in clearing out the Oval Office. (Credit: ProgressTribune.com)

Vice-President Mike Pence has sued special counsel Robert Mueller and his team of prosecutors for prolonging the downfall of the Trump presidency, thereby denying Mr. Pence ascendancy to the Oval Office.

“That bottom shelf would be the perfect place to store my slippers once I’m in the Oval.” (Credit: washingtonpost.com)

“I’ve leaked Mueller and his people so much juicy intel, he could have shut down Trump months ago,” says Vice-President Pence. “But he’s dilly-dallying around for no good reason — it’s not fair.”

The suit filed yesterday includes a number of allegations against the special counsel’s office, all alluding to “an unnecessary prolongation of the inevitable demise of 45th President of the United States, preventing the swearing in of the 46th President of the United States.”

The filing lists four primary reasons why, according to Mr. Pence and his legal team, Mr. Mueller has delayed bringing an end to the doomed Trump presidency:

  1. Mr. Mueller’s contract doesn’t end until April so he’s dragging out the undoing of the Trump administration in order to take full advantage of various special counsel perks, including membership to the congressional gym.
  2. Mr. Mueller promised his friend, former FBI Director James Comey who was fired by Mr. Trump, that if he became special counsel, “he would ensure a slow, painful political death for the president and his family.”
  3. The team of special prosecutors is taking particular glee in watching Donald Trump Jr. bumble his way through interrogation sessions and doesn’t want his suffering to end prematurely.
  4. Mr. Mueller is studying the Constitution to see if Mr. Trump’s presidency can be declared “null and void,” thereby striking it from the history books so future generations of school children never have to learn about this stain on American democracy.
“Get up, you heathen, and let a real Christian take his rightful place as president.” (Credit: themercurynews.com)

Mr. Pence’s lawyers rushed to file their lawsuit against Mr. Mueller before he got any ideas about calling in the vice-president to answer questions in connection with the Russia investigation. This would include any possible role Mr. Pence might have played in a collusion scheme to influence the outcome of the 2016 election.

Mr. Pence denies he knew anything about Russian involvement in the election and says he would “swear to it with my left hand on the Holy Bible.”

Notably, it is the right hand that is typically placed on the Bible when taking an oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

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–AI