Truth In Satire

President Trump Set To Release 6 Other Secret Memos Drafted By Republicans

GOP congressional staffers found more confidential memos (under their pens) that the president plans to make public

“It was a tough decision but in the end I said, “Fuck the FBI, release it boys!” (Credit: newsday.com)

Despite warnings from national security officials, President Donald Trump has agreed to the release of a confidential memo, drafted by Republican congressional staffers, that will accuse the FBI of abusing its surveillance powers.

But, according to sources at the White House, the president was shocked to receive an additional six memos written by GOP staffers and discovered on their desks yesterday, that could clear Mr. Trump’s name in a number of other political scandals and potential criminal activities.

Congressman Devin Nunes delivered a new batch of “top secret” memos to the president yesterday. (Credit: npr.org)

Like the first memo, the six brought to the Oval Office yesterday for the president’s review were presented on bent knee by Representative Devin Nunes, Republican of California.

Those freshly minted Republican documents are believed to include:

The Russian Pee Party Memo: Rumors of the president engaging in a “golden shower” sexual liaison with a bevy of beautiful Ukrainian hookers, hired by the Kremlin and videotaped by Russian agents to compromise Donald Trump, are completely dispelled in this secret memo. According to those who have seen it, the detailed document explains that the “golden shower” actually involved a tutorial demonstration given by the president to Russian students of cosmetology in which he explained how to color hair in an attractive, very natural-looking, yellow-orange hue. The coloring technique is typically done in the shower.

The Donald Trump Jr. Memo: One of Congressman Nunes’ staffers uncovered a top secret memo right there on her desk that totally absolves President Trump and his son, and everybody else on Air Force One on the day in question, of trying to cover-up an illegal meeting between Donald Jr. and Russian operatives in Trump Tower. The exonerating memo proves that there was absolutely no obstruction of justice in this case, just as the president has been saying all along. It goes on to say that if there is any blame whatsoever, it falls on the shoulders of presidential assistant Hope Hicks.

The Barack Obama Memo: This find was truly remarkable. While Rep. Nunes was throwing out his office garbage one night, he found in the congressional trash room a document with ink that was barely dry that discussed former President Barack Obama’s role in bugging Trump Tower in the weeks ahead of the 2016 election, exactly as Mr. Trump had claimed. Furthermore, the undisclosed document also showed that after his first inauguration, President Obama instructed White House staffers to paint “tens of thousands of fake people” into all photographs of crowd scenes on the National Mall. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that President Trump’s inaugural crowds were much larger than President Obama’s by several million people. Or more.

The Billy Bush Memo: Mr. Trump is said to be thrilled to finally put to rest an unfortunate incident that has left a blemish on his presidency. Everyone recalls the famous Access Hollywood tape in which Donald Trump bragged to television host Billy Bush that he often grabbed women’s private parts. The new memo, which was discovered under the shoe of House Speaker Paul Ryan’s secretary, is a secret confession from Mr. Bush clearing the president of all involvement in the recording of that tape. Billy Bush admits that he painstakingly spent 80 hours splicing together audio from recordings of past interviews with Mr. Trump so it would sound like the future president said he liked to “grab ’em by the pussy.” Mr. Bush further confessed that he did it for the ratings. Case closed.

The Mother Orangutan Memo: Hurtful hearsay has been spreading in celebrity and political circles for years that one of Donald Trump’s parents is an orangutan, specifically, his mother. But the so-called “Mother Orangutan” memo, only recently discovered in Sen. Mitch McConnell’s office next to a memo proving that neither of his parents was a turtle, settles once and for all the issue of whether Mr. Trump is the son of an orangutan. That rumor was unfortunately started by comedian Bill Maher and it got completely out of hand. However, prevailing gossip that Donald Trump is descended from a line of German morons continues.

The Deutsche Bank Memo: Democrats, progressives, and other opponents of the Trump administration have been claiming for more than a year that Donald Trump and his family are guilty of borrowing vast amounts of money from Russian oligarchs for his building projects, money that was laundered through Deutsche Bank. That contention can now be put to rest after a discovery in the New York’s offices of Trump International of a memo that says this “categorically never happened.” According to the memorandum written on Deutsche Bank stationery, the only thing that Donald Trump ever received from the financial institution was a free toaster for opening a passbook account in 1979. Ivana Trump, who had been married to Mr. Trump for more than two years at the time, confirms that her husband received the toaster.

The White House says that President Trump is eager to release the six new memos at the same time as Mr. Nunes discloses the contents of the first memo involving national security concerns.

A party in the White House Rose Garden will follow immediately afterward.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI