Truth In Satire

The 8 Real Reasons Why Hope Hicks Is Leaving The Trump White House Now

The former model and Trump confidante gave conflicting reports about her departure — here’s the truth from those who know her

Hope Hicks, who had no political experience upon entering the White House, was being spoken of as the new Secretary of State. (Credit: businessinsider.com)

Hope Hicks, a constant presence in the Trump White House and its most recent communications director, announced that she will be leaving her post in the next few weeks.

The former Ralph Lauren model who was plucked from Ivanka Trump’s lifestyle company in 2015 to work with Donald Trump on his presidential campaign, said she was resigning to spend more time with her family.

But her closest allies say that the 29-year-old Trump confidante has a host of other reasons for leaving now—eight, to be exact:

Hope Hicks wants to avoid Rob Porter’s knockout punch. (Credit: massive.com)
  1. SHE’S DETERMINED TO PRESERVE HER FACE: Ms. Hicks had been recently dating wife beater and former White House staff secretary, Rob Porter. Friends say Porter asked Hope to marry him in February, which was a red flag. She thought it was prudent to reject Porter’s proposal and leave the White House now, before suffering the ugly bruises and deep cuts to her face that were inevitable.
Dead eyes, no heartbeat, no heart. (Credit: artofthedeal.info)

2. CYBORG STEPHEN MILLER SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF HER: The senior speechwriter and Russian automaton, Stephen Miller, scares everyone in the White House. But the soulless robot has reportedly been standing silently outside of Ms. Hicks’ office during the day and following her home every night with the red LED lights behind his steely eyes fixed ominously on her buttocks. She has told colleagues that she woke up one morning in January to an acrid smell, only to notice Miller standing outside her bedroom window in a driving snowstorm, smoke billowing from his ears as moisture apparently got into his circuitry. That put her over the edge and she doesn’t want to be in the cyborg’s presence any longer.

The Democrats want to put Ms. Hicks’ white lying capabilities to work for them. (Credit: cnn.com)

3. DEMOCRATS IN CONGRESS MADE HER A BETTER OFFER TO TELL “WHITE LIES” FOR THEM: Ms. Hicks told the House Intelligence Committee this past week that in her role as Donald Trump’s communications director she occasionally lied for the president. Hearing this, the Democratic members of Congress, knowing how good a liar she is, made her a lucrative offer to become their spokesperson and perfect her skills in spreading untruths and falsehoods. She is mulling their offer.

Slick and sick. (Credit: vox.com)

4. DONALD TRUMP JR. IS JUST TOO CREEPY FOR WORDS: She has admitted to friends that President Trump is a groping lech, but she has also told them that “Daddy doesn’t compare to Donny Jr. in the creep out department.” A recent request by Donald Jr. that she help him “slick down his hair” was just too much for Ms. Hicks and she submitted her resignation shortly thereafter.

“The Mouth” Manigault is getting millions, but Hope can demand even more. (Credit: businessinsider.com)

5. OMAROSA TOLD HOPE HOW MUCH SHE COULD MAKE ON A TELL-ALL BOOK: Ms. Hicks had assumed that her inside story of political intrigue would be of value to publishers down the road, but it wasn’t until Omarosa Manigault called recently with news of her just-signed book contract in the high seven figures that Hope realized that her own tell-all tome would command twice that price. She’s courting publishing houses now.

Sleep, my pretty, sleep. (Credit: politicaldig.com)

6. SHE HAS BEEN FREAKED OUT BY THE DETERIORATION OF KELLYANNE CONWAY: Ms. Hicks has always understood that the high pressure and intense demands of her White House job would be wearing on her physically, mentally, and emotionally, but the 29-year-old has apparently been shocked by the rapid decline and decay of adviser and Trump surrogate Kellyanne Conway. According to one friend, “Hope told me that if Kellyanne’s decomposition is what she has to look forward to, she’s out of there immediately.”

People fry under this man’s scrutiny, neophytes especially. (Credit: thedailybeast.com)

7. ROBERT MUELLER ASSURED HER THAT IF SHE GOT OUT NOW, HE COULD PROMISE HER HOUSE ARREST INSTEAD OF PRISON: Ms. Hicks got embroiled in too many of Donald Trump’s shady schemes over the past few years, and special counsel Robert Mueller let her know just what kind of trouble she’s in during her past two interviews with him. At the second meeting, he apparently pulled out an orange prison issue jumpsuit and asked her to try it on “just for size.” Ms. Hicks reportedly burst out crying and got the message loud and clear. She’s currently in negotiations with Mr. Mueller to turn state’s evidence against the president, hence her hasty resignation.

No, please, not the SLOVENIAN SUCCUBUS STARE! (Credit: theimmoralminority.com)

8. MELANIA RECENTLY GAVE HER THE LOOK…YOU KNOW THE ONE: You can only get so close to Donald Trump before receiving Melania’s “Slovenian Succubus Stare,” a look capable of not only maiming its intended target, it can kill. Unfortunately, Hope did get dangerously close to Donald Trump in recent weeks and she took the “Triple S” from Melania right in the kisser. As countless staffers who have already left the Trump White House will tell you, once the First Lady has thrown you the look, it’s over. Pack up your bags and leave. Hope Hicks is doing just that.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

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Thank you.

–AI