Truth In Satire

22 Things Donald Trump Said To Himself Before He Went To Bed Last Night

  • Ah, another productive, destructive 23-hour day.
  • Where did I put my hairnet?
  • Maybe I’ll just catch a few more minutes of Hannity.
  • Who can sleep with those Secret Service snipers clomping around on the roof all night?
  • I have to stop with the late night cheesecake — getting as big as Bannon.
  • So glad Melania stayed in New York — farts in bed like a French bulldog.
  • Hope they washed the Kenyan out of these sheets.
  • Tomorrow, I repeal the 19th Amendment — fuck women, they’re always whining about something.
  • $25 million to payoff Cohen, $14 mil for Stormy, $7 million to the NRA, that’s 6, carry the 1…
  • Ivanka’s just three doors down…go over there, Don, just do it.
  • Cannot believe dickweed doctor told everyone about the Rogaine…he is so out of my inner circle!
  • Fucking Schwarzenegger…knew it was a mistake to give the Kraut my boardroom chair.
  • No one really understands how amazing I am…well, maybe Ivanka…get up, Don, you CAN do this!
  • Every time Spicer goes out there, I’m like, dude, get a decent fitting suit!
  • Maybe it just seemed like one-and-a-half million because everyone in the crowd was so fat…each redneck looked like two people.
  • Wonder if it’s too early to get back to pussy grabbing?
  • Am I overusing the word “Sad?” Nah.
  • Heavenly Father, please rain hellfire down on Australia, Mexico, The New York Times, Fake Tears Schumer, that guy in Scotland who wouldn’t sell me his land for the golf course, Meryl Streep, Iran, Lindsey “Twinkle Toes” Graham, Pocahontas, and everyone else who isn’t nice to me.
  • Reince…who names their kid Reince?
  • What did the chef put in those tacos — I’m belching like a Chilean street vendor?
  • Gotta ask Putin what poison he uses on his political enemies.

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