Trump Proposes “Cage Match” Format For Final Debate
Challenges Clinton to meet him in the ring to “decide this thing once-and-for-all”
Sensing the 2016 Presidential race slipping away, Donald Trump dared Hillary Clinton to meet him for a winner-take-all, Wrestlemania-style cage match on October 19th in Las Vegas.
Dubbing it “The Hair vs. Crooked Hillary,” Trump asserted that a wrestling match would be more reliable than “an election that’s already fixed,” adding that “if she can’t handle a leg drop and a bottom slam or two, how can she expect to take on Putin and ISIS?”
Republican operatives, initially appalled by Trump’s desperate late-inning proposal, are said to be warming to the idea, pointing out that the overlap between the pro-wrestling audience and Trump’s conservative base is nearly 100%. “This could really lock up any of our outstanding ‘deplorables’ and even pull in a few white supremacists who’ve been holding out because they don’t find Trump’s vulgar language and behavior offensive enough,” said Republican National Committee Chairman (RNC) Reince Priebus.
Advisers to Trump were said to be on the phone garnering support for the unorthodox debate format, one in which most Las Vegas odds makers favored Trump who has been involved in pro wrestling for decades and is familiar with several disreputable wrestling tactics. They added that while Trump is a couple of years older than Secretary Clinton, he is significantly taller and much heavier, which should prove advantageous to him in the ring.
Betting that the 68-year-old grandmother, who recently recovered from a bout of knee-buckling pneumonia, would not have the strength or stamina for three rounds of pro-wrestling style competition, Trump preempted any response from Clinton or her camp by calling her, “weak, unskilled and unfit” to take on the physical demands of the presidency. “I have to be honest with you,” Trump said by phone from Trump Tower, “without a good Piledriver or Facebuster maneuver, her presidency would be a disaster — a complete disaster.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan, an influential Republican who had earlier in the day withdrawn his support for Trump, landing a deathblow to the billionaire’s candidacy, was said to be reconsidering his position. “While certainly unusual, we’ve seen fistfights and wrestling matches settle political disputes around the world, including in the parliaments of our Japanese, Indian and Ukrainian allies,” Ryan pointed out. “If Secretary Clinton wants to guarantee the legitimacy of this presidential contest, I believe a cage match is a fair and valid way to decide the outcome.”
Asked to comment on Trump’s proposal, friend and supporter Vince McMahon, the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, said, “While the WWF would stand to make tens of millions on this match, I can’t condone a no holds barred Trump versus Clinton bout. The Donald’s hands are just too small for serious wrestling and he could be badly injured.” He then added, “Make no mistake — that Hillary Clinton’s a scrapper.”
While declaring Trump’s proposal “unseemly” and “a sad day for American democracy,” network executives were said to be quietly vying for rights to the contest, predicting a worldwide viewership in excess of one billion. “This could be the most watched political event in history,” said one FOX insider, who asked not to be named until the final debate format was officially announced. “If Hillary could use her next debate prep perfecting a Chokeslam or Boston Crab maneuver, I think we might be looking at a very interesting television event here.”