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Truth In Satire

Trump Staffer Says Melania Has Been Directing Transition Team Since Day One

“Bannon, Rudy, KellyAnne, we all get our marching orders from Mrs. Trump — the woman’s part ball-buster, pure political savant”

“We are all scared shitless of Melania. Cross her and you’ll end up in New Jersey fetching Oreos for Chris Christie.”

In a stunning revelation, a current Trump staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, says that the candidate’s wife, Melania, is “the real brains behind the operation — nothing happens without Melania approving it first…nothing.”

“You see a lot of photos where Donald is doing that ridiculous thumbs up thing and she’s pressed sideways against him. In every one, her other hand is clamped to his ass, working him like a hand puppet.”

The disclosure runs counter to everything the American public has been told about the president elect’s wife — that she dislikes politics, is timid about doing interviews, and prefers to remain home caring for her son, Barron. “It’s all bullshit,” says the Trump insider, who spoke off the record and asked to be called Mr. X. “The woman was a supermodel, doing photo shoots every day. Does it make any sense to you that she’d be timid in front of a camera, nervous in the spotlight? Mark my words, she’s going to take over the White House. You just watch.”

Mr. X went on to say that Melania knew from the beginning that her husband was a “weak, insecure, insufferable windbag,” and that if he got through the election, and won, it would be her flawless political instincts that made it happen. “You probably think she’s a soppy milquetoast content to live in Donald’s shadow? Forget it. Melania’s a blood-thirsty, political vampire dressed in Roksanda frocks.”

“That’s the death stare, right there. If she looks at you like this up in Trump Tower, you know the smart move is to just open a penthouse window and leap to Fifth Avenue.”

According to Mr. X, Trump’s third wife has a particular gift for identifying a political opponent’s weaknesses: “Who do you think came up with the ‘no energy’ Jeb smackdown line in the primary debates? Melania. Who turned Mark Rubio into a mechanical laughing stock? The Slovenian she-devil. Who turned Chris Christie from vicious Rottweiler into housebroken lap dog? Every time, it was Melania.”

Asked how Mrs. Trump gets along with Donald’s older children, Mr. X laughed. “Each one of them breaks into a cold sweat anytime Melania enters the room. I actually saw Eric cry once when Melania told him to get out of her Aeron chair. ‘Move this second, you whiny little bitch, or I’ll ream you a new asshole.’ She was ruthless.”

“On the campaign trail, Melania was watching Donald’s every move. After the Access Hollywood stuff came out, she rigged an electrical stimulation device to his nuts. The second he’d go off message, she’d zap him. That’s why he won, basically.”

Questioned about what is generally thought to be Melania’s average intelligence, Mr. X reflected for a moment, then said, “Honestly, I think she might be the smartest person I’ve ever met. During the campaign, she could work out really complex voting model algorithms in her head before I could calculate them on my computer. I felt like I was up against Watson. It was fucking scary, the way her brain worked.”

“And, by the way, she knows eight languages, not five like her bio says. She speaks fluent Russian, okay? All that business about Manafort or Flynn having Russian ties? It’s Melania, not Paul, not Mike. The princess of darkness calls Putin like five times a day. I’m pretty sure they are working out ways to exploit dumbfuck Don and execute their plan for world domination.”

“You can’t look her directly in the eye,” says Mr. X. “ She has this weird power — one glance and, bang, you’re in Dullsville, ID, working for some two-bit congressional hopeful.

Asked if has considered leaving the Trump team now that he’s been on the receiving end of Melania’s cold-blooded treatment, Mr. X seemed agitated, then looked around nervously. “Are you kidding? You don’t just ‘quit the Trump camp.’ Melania doesn’t walk you to the door, shake your hand, and wish you a happy life. She owns you. After this interview is over, I’m outta here. Neither you nor anyone else is going to know where I disappear to, okay? In fact, turn off that microphone right now. Are you working for her? Is Melania listening…?”


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