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Truth In Satire

Trump Threatens Limited Nuclear Strike On Olympic Figure Skating Venue

With a North Korean pairs team qualifying for the games, president says this is the time to display U.S. military might

North Korean skaters Ryom Tai-ok and Kim Ju-sik will be at ground zero when President Trump’s executes his nuclear attack. (Credit: reviewjournal.com and mercurynews.com)

President Donald Trump is hinting at a surgical strike on the Olympic figure skating venue using nuclear weapons when the 2018 winter games begin in Pyeongchang, South Korea on February 9th.

“I’ve instructed Mad Dog Mattis to prepare a very limited nuclear strike on the rink where the North Korean skaters will be performing,” said the president on Tuesday. “In this way I can show Little Rocket Man and the world how awesome our military capabilities are without massive destruction to the Olympic staging areas.”

Mr. Trump assures S. Korean President Moon Jae-in, “Don’t worry, we’ll be using a tiny, itty-bitty nuke.” (Credit: voanews.com)

Military experts say, however, that a “limited nuclear attack,” as the president is proposing, is virtually impossible since the explosive force of even a small atomic bomb would likely wipe out all of Pyeongchang and its population, along with the entire Olympic Village and athletes from more than 80 nations who will be attending the games.

Most believe that taunts from N. Korea’s Kim Jong-Un have embarrassed Mr. Trump and provoked his planned Olympic strike. (Credit: http://indianexpress.com)

News of the planned U.S. bombardment of the skating venue came as North Korea agreed to send a team to the Winter Olympics and with their pairs skating team of Ryom Tai-ok and Kim Ju-sik qualifying for the games.

Mr. Trump said that the athletic competition offers “an ideal moment to teach Kim Jong-Un a lesson” and that he’d like to see the nuclear strike happen “at the exact moment when the North Koreans attempt their side-by-side triple Salchows, because that’s when all eyes will be on the skating pair. The international TV audience will be off the charts at exactly the moment when our ‘surprise package’ blows those kids off the ice.”

Told that a nuclear bomb of any size could not be contained to the small area of a skating rink, and would certainly end the games, as well as all life in Pyeongchang and vicinity, President Trump replied, “Look, not every team is going to come away with a medal. This military action, again, of very limited scope, is necessary to show the world that Donald J. Trump is not screwing around when it comes to shutting down Little Rocket Man and his nuclear capabilities. If he doesn’t want to see his celebrated skating team throw their aerial moves and then never return to earth, he knows what he has to do.”

The U.N. Security Council scheduled an emergency session for as early as this Thursday to discuss the president’s nuclear threat on the Olympic games, which all members of the organization are calling “reckless.”

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