Truth In Satire
Trying New Tack, Church Will Award Bonuses To Priests Who Keep Penis In Pants
Desperate to stop the high incidence of clergy sexually abusing children, Vatican will pay responsible priests cold hard cash
Desperate to change the narrative on a story that has become an existential threat to the Catholic Church, the Vatican announced Thursday that it will start paying bonuses to priests “who can keep their penis in their pants and stop sexually abusing children.”
The announcement came as Pope Francis has been trying to grapple with a thorny problem of priests in every corner of the world diddling children in their congregations without regard for the welfare or safety of the young.
“Today, in addition to paying cold hard cash to priests, bishops and cardinals who don’t whip out their Johnsons every chance they get, I have also directed our dioceses to only report the names of priests who don’t abuse kids, not the thousands who do,” said a distressed pontiff, speaking from Rome.
Pope Francis is facing the greatest public outcry in the church’s history and has told Vatican aides that he is determined to get on top of the problem and put an end to priests “porking every kid who passes…
