Truth In Satire

White House Announces Guest List For First Ever “Slimeball Ball”

Invitees include some of the most loathsome, dishonorable characters on the planet, all close friends of the president’s

All of the most disreputable goons will be there, including King Thug himself. (Credit: http://aurn.com)

The White House on Friday released the guest list for the first ever, springtime “Slimeball Ball” to be held on May 1st.

Invitees are to include some of the most repugnant and disreputable individuals in the world, all dear friends of President Trump’s.

In alphabetical order, the partial list of lowlifes includes:

Some of the misunderstood white supremacists on the guest list. (Credit: cnn.com)

Charlottesville White Supremacist Protest Organizers: The president has asked five of the racist organizers of last year’s Charlottesville, VA protest, in which three people died and lots of Tiki torches were lit, to attend the Slimeball Ball. The president has called the repellent white nationalists “totally misunderstood and a great group of guys if you get to know them.”

Paula Deen plans to attend, along with her Southern Bell-icose hairdo. (Credit: zimbio.com)

Celebrity Chef Paula Deen: Mr. Trump is a big fan of Ms. Deen’s use of the N-word, as well as her home cooking, especially her famous “Cheetos Over Jigaboo” pudding line. The former Food Network star, who loved to tell racist jokes in her Georgia restaurant, will be preparing dessert for guests at the Slimeball Ball, possibly her controversial, but extra-rich and delicious “Dark Sambo Chocolate Sundae.”

President Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines: Duterte is a mass murderer and the mastermind of a brutal, extrajudicial anti-drug war that has claimed the lives of 8,000 of his own people. President Trump calls Duterte “an inspiration,” and has modeled many of his own schemes to evade the law on those of the Philippine president.

Guess who’ll be live blogging from the Slimeball Ball? (Credit: http://www.en.netralnews.com)

The Entire Kardashian Clan: From Kim to Kendall, this obnoxious group of culture vultures is the cream of the reality TV crop and true favorites of Donald and Melania Trump’s. A fashion show of bubble butts is planned during the evening featuring the Kardashians.

R&B Singer R Kelly: A protege of President Trump’s, Mr. Kelly was recently accused of grooming an underage girl to be his “sex pet.” The president calls R Kelly “a pioneer in the world of pet-ography.” Mr. Kelly may sing for his supper at the Slimeball event.

Con man Bernie Madoff is looking forward to dusting off his tuxedo for the big event. His wife will not be attending. (Credit: dailymail.com)

Former Stockbroker Bernie Madoff: As Mr. Trump mulls a pardon for Mr. Madoff, he has arranged for a one-night prison release of the immoral Ponzi scheme king. The president’s logic is that, “Bernie did nothing I haven’t done,” and he feels the admitted fraudster at least deserves a night out on the town.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.: In addition to beating up women, the professional boxer lights cigars with $100 bills. President Trump, who used to light cigars with $50 bills, found this quirk charming and added Mayweather to the guest list.

Congressman Devin Nunes: Since Mr. Nunes lives in President Trump’s pocket, it only makes sense that he would attend the Slimeball Ball.

Slimeball Martin Shkreli modeled all of his businesses on Trump’s. (Credit: fortune.com)

Ex-Pharmaceutical Wiseguy Martin Shkreli: One of the most hated men in America, and a prodigious douchebag, Shkreli’s company bought the rights to a critical treatment for AIDS patients and raised the price from $13.50 to $750.00 per tablet. Mr. Trump calls him “a great American success story.”

Ex-Movie Mogul Harvey Weinstein: Not seen for months, Mr. Weinstein will come out of hiding to be the guest of honor at Mr. Trump’s inaugural “Slimeball Ball.” Mr. Weinstein is a fellow pussy grabber and one of the president’s closest friends. Kevin Spacey will be joining Mr. Weinstein as his “plus one.” Bill Cosby will be his “plus two.”

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–AI