Why I Stopped Dating Men and Started Dating the Boo Berry Cereal Ghost

Let’s face it: dating men is no picnic. Over the past few years, I’ve gone on dozens of dates, all of which ended the same way: being forced to talk about Star Trek trivia.

After a certain point, I just couldn’t do it anymore. For months, I felt lost. Then Halloween season rolled around. One day, while browsing the breakfast foods aisle at Target, it hit me: I wasn’t in a place to date men. I was in a place to date a ghost that served as the mascot of a limited-run novelty cereal from the 1970s.

Think I’m crazy? A lot of people did. But hear me out: Boo Berry has a lot of traits that make him a much better partner than any man I’ve dated. For one thing, he’s reliable. He’s had the same job for decades, and despite a clear dispassion for it, he shows up and does the work every day without complaint. For another thing, he’s not vain or materialistic. The only things he needs are a red bowtie and a straw boater hat that looks a lot like a hot dog. That’s it! He’s like one of those monks that only owns a single bowl or whatever.

Boo Berry is also self-reliant, unlike many human men. I never have to spot him money or buy him food — he carries his own supply of the gray-tinted cereal that bears his name at all times. I think the cereal pieces are supposed to be little ghosts but I can’t really tell, but I trust in my heart that Boo Berry knows the answer.

That brings me to my most important point: trust. Boo Berry and I trust each other no matter what. He never gets jealous, even when I eat other General Mills monster cereals. His perpetually-lowered eyelids let me know that he’s too tired to care what I do, and that means the world to me.

Living men come with all sorts of problems, and I’m done trying to deal with them. This October has been the happiest month of my life. My advice to women? Go cereal ghost or go home. I happen to know that Franken Berry is single, so get on it!

Thank you to Mark Balane for the wonderful photo of Boo Berry and me.