I was sitting in the park a couple of days ago and detected a new question to live. Am I the filter of my own fear?
Fear is a source of energy. It’s a feeling. It’s a neutral feeling, just like the other three pure feelings anger, sadness and joy are. I am writing this article from the perspective, that all other feelings then these four are mixations out of these four. It’s like with the coulours…I mix joy and anger and get schadenfreude from it. I mix sadeness and fear and get isolation from it. I mix and I get feelings that are more blocking than actually helping me to move forward on my path of healing.
Living with these distinctions has helped me to unlock the beforehand closed pockets and closets of my emotional self (my emotional body). It revealed pure feelings. It revealed pure fear. I thought. I want to take apart a process of fearfulness I recently had that made me suspicious about the pureness of my fear.
I am entering the process with a question.
What if the pureness of my fear gets mixed with assumptions, that the fear itself doesn’t carry?
I discover that often I perceive fear in a way, that something would be bad, or even just less good than another thing. Two people I am watching might be in a hierarchy to each other, I have fear that this is true and „it would be sad if so“. It would be a relieve to me if they weren’t in a hierarchial relationship. But who is putting „I have fear that this is true and it would be sad if so“ into my perception?
First I want to look at the „fear of my assumtion being true“. I obviously had fear that my assumption was true. And that it would be better if not. That’s the sense I still get from the past situation. Making something being better, gives me the hint that with my assumtion I put the scheme of good / bad onto the reality. I still notice the sensation how I was hoping for them (actually myself) that my fear was wrong but also hoping my fear was right (again for myself), because then I could have (helped) the two persons making them concious of their way to relate. Me having my assumtion proved of them being in a hierarchy with each other. I am suspicious that my inner rescuer was acting my fear out.
I my momental awareness, this was a projection of myself into the situation of the two persons. Because in either way, my fear being accurate or inaccurate, I would „feel better“ after having solved the question. And the only thing to solve there was a problem. If there was a problem?
Asking, if there was a problem, brings me to my next investigation.
I want to check out the sentence „it would be sad if so“. I was afraid of „it being sad“. It being sad was the problem. And my guess is, I created that problem. Because, being sad is become an allowed and welcomed standard in my concious life. But myself wanting to avoid sadness is part of my strategy to survive. I am suspicious that I put my inner victim in charge of that sadness.
This is the game I discover having played in myself. But there was something else going on as well. I was courious about my fear and went to ask one of the persons if he would do a reality check with me. He did. And I got the impression that they were not hierarchial with each other at all.
We shiftet the conversation to, what they were doing, since me observing them had drawn my attention. I had started the search for problem out of what I had seen them doing. They were sitting, listening, talking and not doing much obvious to my physical eye. But as he explained they were installing lightpillars in the park to contribute into energtical healing of the energetical field in town. Semt interesting and new to me.
My guess is, that my pure fear knew that talking to him, would bring something new for me.
What if, my old strategy was, I have to find a problem in someone to have a reason to talk to them. It’s as if with my strategy I turned the fear originally saying „talk to the stranger, there is something interesting in for you“ into a problem to solve. I used the problem-door, because it was safer. I have taken this door with all my assumtions about the other person millions of times already. And it’s easy to think in the scheme of good / bad and only talk with a person to have my assumtion recitified or falsified.
But what if I begin my connections without this layer of safety and additional game in myself beforehand?
Will my fear lead me through life offering me all these magnificant discoveries that I could not have thought of just the moment before I experience them?
How can I take the filter of my own fear apart so I get reached by the purer information of the fear itself?
The way for me to go exploring with this is to be awake in the moment my next problem-solving-orientated fear comes in and then check, if I can track a purer information from the fear.
Any important insights I make, I will put into the next article.