Allison Gator
Aug 9, 2017 · 1 min read

I really like your point about having a more coherent identity. I’ve often described the cycle of coffee and alcohol as yanking myself toward the “right” state of mind, and using drugs that way (yes, even caffeine) is dangerous precisely because of that — it encourages me to push aside my sense of myself in favor of a presentation that matches what I think others need me to be. Taking that out is hard. It’s hard not being able to “get there” on command…not that doing that really gets you there, but it always feels like it might. Self-management takes so much energy, and it’s hard to want to do it when I’m so used to spending mine unwisely and then shoring myself up with my drugs of choice. But it’s the only way to get anywhere that doesn’t just lead back down the same paths.

    Allison Gator

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    Constantly vomiting.