“Tonight You’re Taking It in the Pail:” Nick Offerman’s Ten Tips for a Prosperous Life
“American Ham”
Nick Offerman @ New York’s Town Hall Theater, 2013
Annotations by Allie Mulliken and Kaitlyn Balsamides
Imagine you’re sitting in an audience of 1,500 people in the esteemed New York Town Hall Theatre and a shirtless, scruffy, fourty-four year old man walks on stage and tells you he’s going to share his “Ten Tips for a Prosperous Life.” Your first thought: “Can this guy please put on a shirt?” But as you listen to him perform original songs and rattle on about the importance of having a hobby (or as he calls it, a “discipline”), you realize that he might actually be on to something.
Born in 1970 in Joliet, Illinois, Nick Offerman’s down-to-earth upbringing and simplistic perspective on life is reflected in his stand-up comedy special, “American Ham” [1]. His mother Cathy was a nurse at St. Joseph Medical Center in Joliet while his father Ric was a junior high social studies teacher. According to Offerman, they are very hardworking, “salt of the earth” Midwestern people who both grew up on farms close to where Offerman grew up [2]. From a young age, they instilled in Offerman an appreciation for rugged, hands-on hard work. Despite his very different choice of career in acting, Offerman says his parents were incredibly supportive of his endeavors [3].
Growing up in a small town heavily influenced Offerman’s views on life. Throughout his stand-up, he mentions how easy it is to go outside and enjoy the scenery. Offerman often tends to embody a Transcendentalist point of view, not only in his stand-up, but also in his day-to-day life. While watching the stand-up, you can often draw parallels from the ideas of the mid 19th century Transcendentalist Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau is best known for his work Walden in which he discusses simple living in the natural environment[4]. Like Thoreau, Offerman colorfully expresses his distaste for the lack of time spent outdoors. It may seem like Offerman is a little old fashioned, but he still enjoys the amenities of modern day life.
Offerman also grew up in a Catholic church, and he discusses Catholicism and the Bible in “American Ham.” He was an altar boy and lecter at his local church, where he says he first caught the “stage bug” and “enjoyed being up there in front of people and trying to make [his] friends laugh without being caught by [his] dad [5].” Offerman attended the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign where he graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in 1993. Later that year, he and some other students founded the Defiant Theater, a Chicago-based theatre that, before disbanding in 2004, specialized in passionate and imaginative performances[6].
Known for his straight-faced, government-hating, character Ron Swanson on NBC’s Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman uses his own type of humor in his stand-up special “American Ham” to encourage the audience to take a step back from his or her busy life and get back to the basics. Drawing from a wide variety of personal experiences, his “Ten Tips” range from having an active sex life to always carrying a handkerchief. Most importantly, Offerman is able to provide valuable insight without sounding like a scolding parent or a motivational speaker.
(Walks onstage shirtless, holding an American flag patterned button down. Takes microphone out of the stand and takes in the applause from the audience.)
Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so much. Christ people.
Minor nudity was advertised. Minor nudity achieved.
(Puts the microphone back in the stand and puts his shirt on. Takes the microphone again.)
Drink it in, drink it in. Life can be this delicious.
Before I wrap it all the way up I’d like to extend a personal thank you to a local establishment known as Vergil’s Barbeque.
(Rubs his stomach with satisfaction as the crowd cheers.)
The left portion is the pork ribs with the brisket sitting on top. Hush puppies, mac-and-cheese, beans. Ridiculous jalapeño cornbread muffins (Motions to different parts of his gut).
People often say to me, well…enough that I would remark upon it: “Nick,” they say, “Where the hell did you come from?”
(Crowd laughs.)
“How did this occur that you’re standing on the stage of the venerated Town Hall, speaking to us?” And I answer them the same every time: “I honestly have no fucking idea how this happened, but I’m very grateful.”
I’m minding my manners and I’m reminded of some words of Thomas Jefferson, of course, who said, “I’m a great believer in luck and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
So if we’re going to talk about hard work, if we’re going to talk about luck being the moment when opportunity meets with preparation, I can’t do that without immediately thinking of my mom and dad, Rick and Kathy Offerman, two of the finest Americans you will ever hope to countenance.
(Crowd cheers and applauds.)
They did this (Gestures at himself).
I don’t know if they particularly meant to do this, but by God they did it. They’ve been incredible teachers to me in my life. I’m interminably in their debt. And they’re followed closely by the ridiculous set of curves and comedy juggernaut that is my legal property, Megan Mullalley.
(Holds up his left hand to display his gold wedding band. Crowd cheers as he takes a small bow.)
That’s right.
(Does a little victory dance.)
That’s how I feel about that lady, some of my most beautiful acreage. Read the paperwork. Shit is mine.
Despite a life full of jackassery, I’ve managed to retain some of the choice lessons from these teachers of mine, and I thought I would pass them along to you in a show that I’ve entitled American Ham: My Ten Tips for a Prosperous Life.
I’m not going to be testing you this evening on my Ten Tips, but life will be giving you a pop quiz for the rest of your live long days. So it might behoove you to mind your P’s and Q’s. And preface.
(Fixes the collar of his shirt and prepares to continue.)
Number One: Engage in Romantic Love
I don’t know what I did to get so goddamn lucky to land the wife that I did, but I’m what the literati have often referred to as a “lucky son of a bitch.” But I can tell you that I intend to keep this sweet gig that I found myself. And one of the ways I do it is by indulging in romanticism. I’m a sap.
My whole life I’ve been a romantic. I used to get made fun of in school, and I learned later that it was because the people making fun of me were not getting any. I knew even in school, you know.
“Oh you guys kissing in the hallway?” Yes. That’s because I can’t get a blowjob in the hallway. How’s football goin’, bro? (Audience laughs) That’s what’s up (Chuckles).
I realized one day — I was driving to work — we had been dating, and I realized I was going to marry her. And I was pissed off because I would’ve liked to have been consulted in the matter. But I was not (Laughs).
We’re very lucky, Megan and I. We have figured out how to stay together in a business that’s really hard to stay together in. As a couple of Hollywood hotshots (Laughs) people expect us to be skipping down to the Whiskey a Go Go with the Sheen family and eating bath salts, or whatever they’re eating now to see shit weird. But we do not.
Every time Emilio calls me I demure, “Not tonight, bro. You guys have fun.”
We stay home. We’re boring. That’s a key (Laughs). It really is. We’re homebodies. We love to stay in and read books and play cards and do puzzles. We watch HGTV (Audience laughs and applauds).
We do a shitload of cocaine (audience laughs) and then mainly focus on puzzling.
(Snorts) “Honey give me the fucking sky pieces!” (Shakes and giggles)
Fucking love puzzles. There’s something so soothing about a field of cerulean blue when I’m using amphetamines.
We make our marriage a priority. That’s key. If you want a healthy marriage, it’s like raising a shrub. You have to make it a priority. You have to water it and fertilize it and talk nice to it and caress it and nibble on its clitoris (Audience laughs) with regularity.
You gotta stick with it. That’s a horticulture term. I don’t know if we — (laughs) have a lot of green thumbs in the house tonight, but look it up.
In our business, one of the things that can kill a relationship is success, ‘cause one of you gets a sweet job in L.A., one of you gets a great job in New York. You get the call. Peter Jackson wants you in New Zealand for 38 months for a role called Frodo Baggins.
I turned that shit down, for love. I think that kid that got it did a nice job. He was also very cute. I did, however, get to read for Gimli the Dwarf (Chuckles). I’m still trying to ferret the compliment out of that situation.
My wife turned 50 a few years ago, which is a big birthday in a society that bases a lot of systems on the number 100. And I said, “Honey this is a big birthday. Do you want something special? A bauble of some sort?” And she said, “No. You know, just make me one of your cards.”
By the way, if you’re in a relationship, make your significant other a fucking card, please. I always make cards for Megan. I make her lots of gifts as well.
Every time I’m doing it around my friends or coworkers they always say the same thing: “Oh, thanks a lot, man. You make us look so bad. Every time you make a card my wife points it out to me.”
And I say, “Let me tell you something, Rob Lowe (Audience laughs). I’m gonna tell you right to your face, you turn those blue-gles on anybody and you don’t have to do shit. Please just keep looking at me” (Snickers).
His face is magic (Audience laughs). I say to the rest of my friends that don’t have insane blue eyes, “Go to your printer. There’s paper in there. Find the paper. Take a sheet of it. Fold it in half. Draw a heart on it. Open it up. Write ‘I love you.’ Sign your name. You will get so kissed. You will be kissed so much more voluptuously than from any bullshit you can buy at the mall.”
(Crowd cheers and applauds.)
Thank you. Here’s a bonus: Go outside and find a tiny piece of nature — a leaf, a twig, a stone, a shell, a chrysalis. Adhere it in the center of the heart and then get stretched out because you’re going for a ride to the realm of coitus.
(Places microphone in stand, clears throat, and picks up guitar. Crowd cheers.)
So she said, “Make me one of your cards. Do one of your funny dances. You know what? Actually there’s something I would love for my birthday. I would love a rainbow for my birthday.”
And I said, “Thank you, honey. I’m very glad I asked you.” And I made a few calls that were fruitless. NBC did not help. And I thought I was fucked until I realized an important lesson — that I could make a rainbow out of art. And so this is actually the first song I wrote. I wrote it for my wife on her 50th birthday — The Rainbow Song.
(Begins to play guitar.)
(Singing):
You read me my rights when you arrested me
You put me on trial and gave me life
But orange you glad I didn’t say “banana”
When you made me your bitch and I made you my wife?
“You yellow,” you yell when I ball a melon
But you don’t complain when I cook up some smack
We’re both agreein’ to serve our time
If I drop the soap I know you’ll watch my crack
Please enjoy this rainbow song and this gift of leprechaun romance
Please enjoy as part of this well-balanced breakfast
The Lucky Charms you will find in my pants
You blew me away when you sang “Shock the Monkey”
Your fingers inside me
Let the games begin
Indigo is a tough one to pun with
But when we’re apart it’s the mood that I’m in
We get along so well
We could never be compared to Jesus of Nazareth and Pontius Pilate
But if you’ll endure the slight of calling me “sir”
I’ll be Peppermint Patty to your Violet
Please let this song be a rainbow
I’ve got my Cialis so I shall not fail
Please don’t deny my advances
For tonight you’re going to take it in the pail
That’s the butt. It’s what you thought (Audience laughs).
(Singing):
And please let this song be a rainbow
I made it for you
This shit cuts like a knife
Forever I’ll follow this rainbow
To that 50-year-old sweet pot of gold
That seems to grow foxy instead of old
From which I hope to never be paroled
My angel in a centerfold
She plays more than Sousa upon my fife
My jaw-droppingly beautiful wife
(Audience cheers and applauds) Thank you. Thank you. Number one: Engage in Romantic Love.
Number Two: Say “Please” and “Thank You”
Good manners should be applauded. I recently landed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to go — (scattered cheers and applause)
Thank you for your beer and sausage, not to mention your motherfucking cheese curds. Oh, boy. I was going to do a show in Milwaukee. And thanks to a U.S. air flight on an airline that shall remain nameless, that was ninety fucking minutes late,
I was in a hurry. I was in a rental car. I was trying to get onto a crowded highway to get to my show, and I was on a ramp that was merging with another ramp.
Folks, let’s talk about merging for a second. What the fuck? (Audience laughs)
I think we all know by now, you take turns. But sometimes when you’re in that side that has the advantage ‘cause the other side’s trying to get in, you just can’t help it. It’s their turn and you’re like, “No motherfucker. No, no, no, no.”
A gentleman performed this act upon me, and naturally, I was fucking incensed. You fucking kidding me? It’s merge, dude. It’s my turn. I had steam coming out of my ears. And I pulled behind him, and everything changed.
I realized that he was driving a salt-caked, pearlescent Chrysler 300 — which is a fucking seriously badass attempt at a car — with the vanity plate “Thunder Road.”
(Audience laughs.)
And I said, “You magnificent motherfucker. If you’re going to whip out your throbbing cudgel of a cock and bludgeon the rest of us about the face and mouth with your hot rod fuck wagon, you may have my place in line, sir. You, my friend, are living.”
(Audience cheers and applauds.)(Offerman laughs.)
We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t care if you’re a librarian. I don’t care if you’re a litterbug. I don’t care if you’re a fan of celery. I don’t care if you’re that fucking guy. I don’t care how low you are. We’re all brothers and sisters on this planet. We’re all sharing this space and we deserve the respect to treat one another with good manners.
Say “please” and “thank you.” Get the door for each other. If somebody needs help with their groceries, jump up and give ‘em a hand. You’ll feel so much better; you’ll blow their minds. It feels incredible. I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers again and again. It’s a lot more fun to have eight people with one beer each than to have one dude with eight beers.
It doesn’t — (Audience cheers and applauds) It sounds incongruous but I’m telling you, I’ve been back and forth with this thing six ways to Sunday. I believe it was Jesus of Nazareth himself who said “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Wise words from the Lamb of God. I just want to take a moment to point something out about the Bible.
We’re gonna talk a little bit about the Bible tonight, you guys. Is the Bible full of great lessons? No question. Religious writings, in general — the Bible, the Koran, the Tao Te Ching, Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Battlestar Galactica, the redux. These holy texts are rife with morals and lessons of value about how to be decent to one another and how to share our space and our planet.
But when Jesus said something like “love thy neighbor as thyself” — I heard that in Sunday school, and I said, “Fucking nailed it, Jesus. That — (Audience applauds) That’s why you’re the teacher, my friend. Thank you.”
And I went home, and I went to my neighbor Mr. Severson, and I said
(Blows on microphone. Moves his hand back and forth in the air.)
“I like it like this, Mr. Severson. I get a little — it’s a little backhand. I’ve got this cleft in my palm. You feel that?” Mr. Severson liked it as well. He was my neighbor. We got along great. Into junior high, into high school, we had a great friendship.
We don’t know that’s not what Jesus meant (Audience laughs). We don’t. My interpretation provided a loving friendship between two peoples on neighboring lands. Talking to you, Gaza Strip.
Again, I have nothing against any religion or club, especially any get-together where people are like — “You know what? We’re fucked-up monkeys.” Like, a great part of our innate being is we wanna, like, fuck each other and eat each other and kill each other, and many of those things at the same time. We wanna fuck each other while we shit in each other’s mouths, some of us. The permutations are endless.
But we’ve learned, with socialization, it’s not cool to just go up to people and start doing stuff like that. So we’ve established these guidelines and we have these get-togethers of like, everybody come to the big building just once a week. Let’s just remind ourselves not to shit in our neighbor’s wife’s mouth. Unless it’s consensual, you know.
Nothing is set in stone. That’s great. And here’s all I’m requesting of our religious groups in the country and world, is go to that place. Go to your club. Go to the Bible…barn where you all get together, and talk about the lessons and learn about decency and compassion and how to treat one another.
Then go to your job at the Senate (Jogs across stage.).
And don’t talk — you don’t have to talk about the Bible. Just bring the decency and compassion like that (Audience cheers and applauds)– that’s all. I want to coin a phrase, and let’s try and get this going as a catchphrase: “a separation of church and state.” Or something like that. Like just spread it out, see if it catches on.
I really love that saying of Jesus, “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Unfortunately, he said it in the Book of Leviticus. And I think we all know by now that Leviticus is the most fucked-up book in the Old Testament.
Leviticus, of course, is the book that details the punishments for menstruating women. If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus when they show up for work the first day.
As they say in Leviticus of a menstruating woman, “when her flowers be upon her, she is unclean, she must be sent away.” If she should touch any linens, those linens must be burned. If she sits in a chair, the chair is fucked (Audience laughs). This is the Bible, you guys.
What dicks who wrote this book of the Bible that were so freaked out with the simple nature of a woman’s body that they wrote it down in the Bible? The fuck?
Do not fret, ladies. If you should be so filthy there is hope in Leviticus (Audience laughs). You may be exonerated if you bring two turtles to the priest at the temple. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that?
I’ve lost so much sleep on these turtles. What value did turtles once possess that we have no record of? I love — I love animals. I love nature. But I have torn open so many fucking turtles, looking for a pearl or…ambergris or spermaceti. I don’t — there must be something beyond their delicious meat. It’s upsetting to me.
And I love to imagine these dicks that wrote the Book of Leviticus hanging out at the temple. They’ve written these guidelines. They’ve been disseminated among the people. And they’re just hanging out waiting for people to start showing up and being holy.
And the leader of the dicks at one point says, “You guys, what’s with all these fucking turtles every place?”
“Oh, sorry. Steve wrote that part. He just loves turtles. We don’t — I don’t know what it is with the turtles.”
“Steve! Money or fucking wine, bro. We’ve been over this. You know what Steve? You’re not writing any more of the Bible. Go… press some more olives. Shithead.”
And that is the story of the lost book of Steve (Audience laughs). Considered lower even than the Gnostics.
Leviticus is also one of the places in the Bible that tells us homosexuality is an abomination. And I quote, “if a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, they have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.”
The Bible! (Steps forward and extends his arm out to the audience in a presenting motion.)(Audience laughs.)
It fucking says that in the Bible. I disagree with that notion. I’m astonished that this never comes up.
And these writers — “Hang on. Just give me one second, please. Two turtles to the temple, and she may be exonerated. Yeah. Two what, now? Excuse me? Two bros? What? Uh, they — Oh, Jesus. That is so uncool. They — And they fully love each other? Uh, yeah, kill ‘em. I guess. Right, guys? What choice do we have?”
And I’m very glad to be alive at a time where it’s finally evolved to the point where this issue is in the public eye and we’re finally fucking slowly turning it over. Thank God. 2013.
How many decades has it been — How many years has it been since we shitty white people, with out hands in our pockets, were like “You know what, you guys? No, no, no. Um, it’s cool. Everyone can ride the bus and sit wherever you want. That’s our bad. Um, it was confusing ‘cause we used to capture you and own you like a commodity, so, you know — But, no, use the water fountains, all that stuff. Sorry.”
That was before my lifetime (Laughs). And now it’s 2013 and we’re still debating if, like, I don’t know, if we should give everybody the same stuff. Here’s the thing. Its like two people loving each other and, with or without children, trying to build a loving productive household and be good citizens. It sounds good, you know. They play a good game, but have you read Leviticus?
(Audience and Offerman laugh.)
So it’s great this issue is getting attention. However, I am irked by all the attention that it’s getting, all the ruckus and hubbub about same-sex marriage when all the while motherfucking vegetarians are marrying, bearing children right on these streets.
(Audience cheers and laughs.) Their fucking filthy herbivorous urchins are prancing down your sidewalks with a canvas bag full of kale.
“I use one bag. I know how to pronounce ‘quinoa’” And I am fucking pissed. They’re making a mockery of the sanctity of eating animal flesh. It shall not stand.
(Audience cheers.) Please. Please.
They call it the Good Book. I find it a bit uneven. You know what is a good book? The motherfucking Hobbit. Or There and Back Again. That is a good fucking book. Instead of legislation founded squarely upon the Bible, I’d like to see some laws pitched based on the writings of John Ronald Reuel Tolkein.
(Audience cheers and laughs) That shit makes sense.
Elrond was elected to lead the elves at Rivendell not only despite his androgynous nature but quite likely because of the magical leadership inherent in a well-appointed bisexual elf wizard.
That’s the guy you want picking shit out for your community. Who do you want throwing your gala? Who do you want to hand menu selections and a color palette to? David Bowie or a fucking Mormon?
(Audience laughs) What the fuck? Was Elrond in a gay marriage? We don’t know because it’s none of our goddamn business. Whatever the nature of his elvish lovemaking, which I happen to know a little something about
(Makes a scissoring motion with his fingers.)
I can tell you this is a frighteningly accurate depiction. Their genitals are more velvety and bluish, but if there was a sheet here with a light behind it, you could not tell the difference. And they like to bring ‘em in and stop, which is not quite touching, and then back out again. Fucking drives ‘em crazy.
That’s neither here nor there. The point is, no matter what Elrond was getting up to in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter what you do in your bedroom. You can do whatever you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody or anybody’s property.
If you’re in your bedroom, if you want to get it on with your elvish weird genitals, or if you want to take a cantaloupe and throw it in the microwave for 20, 30 seconds — Don’t go over 40 — (Audience laughs)
That pulpy center heats up. Let me tell you something for nothing. You want to put a 45-degree chamfer around the edge of that hole because that outer rind can really chafe. I’ve read this. I don’t know if it was Martha Stewart or… Dr. Phil.
I don’t care — If that’s your thing, if you’re a melon fucker, don’t bring it into the workplace.
No matter what Elrond got up to, it did not affect his ability to perform his job like a boss. And that is to provide travelers with great directions. No matter what, the citizens of Middle-earth seemed to remain in pretty good spirits as long as they were packing Longbottom Leaf into their pipes. A lesson we could all do to pay a little attention to.
And even on a long road trip to the dragon’s mountain lair, they did not forget to say “please” and “thank you.” I think you get it (Audience laughs).
Number Three: Use a Handkerchief
Handkerchief or hanky. Let’s see what I’m rockin’ tonight.
(Pulls of handkerchief out of his back pocket.)
Field of light taupe with red roses. Weren’t expecting that, were you? (Puts hanky back in pocket)
Another bonus: If you want to get with a lady (chuckles) of a higher quality, start throwing around the color taupe. Boom. It’s quite magical.
My dad had two rules when I was a kid: wear a clean white t-shirt every day and always carry a handkerchief. I said, “Dad, you can wear a t-shirt and look like a nerd or Ron Swanson. I’m gonna show a little chest bush and look like motherfuckin’ McConaughey.” Sadly, the reality is somewhere more between Chiklis and Sizemore, weird Belushi or Galifianakis cousin.
When I suggest it, they say, “I don’t want a rag full of snot in my pocket or my purse.” Nor do I. Suggesting that you have toilet paper in your home doesn’t mean I want paper full of effluvia hanging around in the house.
But if you’re at a bus stop and someone has a face and hand full of snot and mucus, you’re a motherfucking superhero. Think about all the occasions that a handkerchief saves the day. The list is endless. For drying someone’s tears — If a — (A female audience member laughs loudly.)
(Offerman looks around judgmentally.)(Crowd laughs.)
Fuckin’ New York, man. An old lady is crying in the gutter (Guffaws and Laughs obnoxiously.) Yeah!
Humorous in the right context. If someone’s tears need drying, if a severed artery is in need of a tourniquet. Use it as a hot pad to change the smoking magazine on your anti-tank weapon. Poke it into your hand to make a nifty pouch for collecting pussy willows and acorns and bear’s teeth down by the fightin’ ring.
If you should find yourself in the vicinity of the Netherlands and you spot a hole in a dike, plug the hole with your hanky and go get some apple pancakes because that shit is delicious.
(Crowd applauds.)(Offerman picks up guitar.)
There’s no way this is not gonna be my first hit single.
(Singing):
Keep a handkerchief in your pocket
That was my father’s rule
It looked bitchin’ on my neck in Cub Scouts
And it saved my bacon in school
‘Cause when I’d get whooped in a fight
I’d never soil the floor
I’d wrap it around my knife handle tight
And even the fucking score
Hankies can make you seem politer
Wipe ejaculate from your chin
Or when you break and enter
Erase the prints from where you’ve been
For gravy or mud or even menstrual blood
It can protect your eyes from a spunky flood
You just gotta have your hanky
For wiping your tears when you wish
You could still get hard after all of that wine
And when you run out of toilet tissue
A hanky will do just fine
For a sniffle or a sneeze
It’ll shoo away bees
When you have to suck a dick
It’s a cushion for your knees
You just gotta have your hanky
In love play with Justin Bieber
Use your hanky as a gag
Then he can play the naughty sweeper
And clean your chimney with his sooty rag
When your lover has been pleased
It’ll wipe away the cheese
And the suppuration from your venereal disease
You just gotta have your hanky
Dad, I always carry my hanky
(Crows cheers.) Thank you. Thank you. The Hanky Song.
(Places guitar back in stand.)
Number Four: Eat Red Meat
(Audience laughs)
Number Five: Get a Hobby
“Hobby” is an unfortunate word for something that can have such beautiful meaning in one’s life.
On the plus side, it shares a root with the word “hobbit,” which could not be a more charismatic sequence of consonants and vowels. But on the downside, it’s just one of those words that sounds wrong.
(In a snooty, high-pitched voice) “Hobby.”
(Goes back to normal voice) Like “underpants.”
So instead of “hobby” I choose to use the word “discipline.”
You may or may not know that when I’m not making an ass of myself in front of you or working as an actor, I’m making things out of wood in my shop in Los Angeles.
(Audience applauds.)
Thank you for applauding.
But I want you to take the notion of that applause and find the dozens, or hundreds, of local artisans around you that aren’t on Parks and Recreation and go watch them make boots and stained glass and fucking soup and applaud for them and support them.
Right now. Go. Good night.
Woodworking and making things with your hands is not only not nerdy, it’s fucking sexy.
If you want to, like, up the delicious factor in your life, find out what you love to make.
And it could be so many things — food, music.
One of my best friends is a CPA, and his thing is that he —(Person applauds)
Yeah, right on. Thank you.
He loves to make all the numbers right. He’s admittedly OCD.
But that’s his jam. He’s like, “I love to get everybody’s fucking paperwork.” And like— (imitates computer bleeping).
You’ve seen it—You know, simple mind. Like all these fuckin’ numbers going down the screen. And he’s like—(Waves his finger all over the place to imitate his friend). That’s his trip, where it’s like, yes, done, boom.
Whatever it is, whatever it is you love to do, that is the sexiest part of you. And it hits a button. When you see somebody making something, it just hits that nesting button, of like, “Oh, you’re fucking knitting? You want to make a fucking nest and shit? Fuck yeah.”
One of the things that I think keeps us from doing what we love and expressing what’s great about ourselves as individuals is the amazing inventions that have taken over the world, certainly our world.
(Holds up an iPhone.)
These things are incredible. It’s a miracle machine, these and the computer and the Internet and that stuff. It’s insane. It’s going to, hopefully, (chuckles) bring our planet together in a network quickly enough so that our children and grandchildren can save the planet from us.
Please. We’re sorry (chuckles). Please clean up our shit. We love you.
But the thing that I don’t like about those—And I’m speaking to you as an addict here. I tried Twitter last year for a couple of weeks. It pissed me off so much.
I think it feeds on this part of human nature that always thinks things could be better for us somewhere else. If you’re not experiencing ecstasy, then you’re like, “Yeah, this is okay. But, man, it’d be fucking cool if I was in Tucson right now.” It’s something that we have. It’s the human condition where it’s like (imitating a college guy), “Aw man. Here I am at NYU. Man, it’d be fucking so cool at Stanford.”
Well now we have a window in our pocket to Stanford and Tucson and wherever the fuck else we want to be. And we can distract ourselves. We fill in the lulls in our day with nothing on these devices. You finish your transaction. Gotta do my work. I gotta do this. I gotta pay attention. That’s done.
(Looks down at his hand as if it were a phone.)
What’s going on in Tucson? (Hums)
Okay. Kind of boring. Oh, that’s kind of fun— Eh, next. And when you add that up— For me, after a couple of weeks, I was like, “How much time did I just fuckin’ spend, like, idly going like this (Scrolls down his ‘phone’) down at my phone?”
That’s when I used to read books. That’s when I used to talk to the people standing in front of me. And it really made me mad in New York because something I love about New York is its obviously vibrant citizenry fucking shoving, elbowing down the streets.
Everybody’s living like a motherfucker. It just— Children, little old ladies. “Get the fuck outta my way.” And there’s this sense of like, “Hey, move. Move! Fuck you!” There’s a life. There’s a vibrancy.
And now everyone is doing this (Has his head down like he was looking at his phone and walks around the stage), and so you have to go up to people and be like, (Acts like he’s tapping someone on the shoulder) “Excuse me. Fuck you. Sorry. Go Ahead.”
And so, what I said was I have to wean myself off of this. I eventually came back to Twitter, admittedly, but I announced I’m only going to disseminate information, I’m not going to participate socially, and it’s working.
Because I made that announcement, I don’t feel like I have to like, (Looks back down at his ‘phone’) “What did everybody say?” Because that would take up my whole day, and I wouldn’t get to make shit out of wood, and I wouldn’t get to write these hilarious jokes about the Bible.
(Audience laughing, applauding.) (Offerman chuckles.)
Here’s the thing that I’m suggesting. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something. That’s what I’m saying. Take the cleverness you apply to Words With Friends or Scrambly Town and apply it to making some kick-ass cornbread. Cornbread With Friends. Try that game. Everybody loves that fucking game.
I liken learning a new discipline to, uh, giving oral sex. The first few times you do it, you’re gonna embarrass yourself, you’re gonna ruin some raw materials, you’re gonna contract some flesh wounds. And after a few times, you start to get the hang of it.
In woodworking—Everybody knows what a chisel is. It’s a long, flat piece of steel, the end of which forms a wedge-shaped tip that you sharpen to a very sharp edge, so sharp and strong that you can use it to shave wood like soap or butter.
And, the first time you do that correctly, you’re hooked, you’re bewitched. And everything in a wood shop is just some version of that chisel.
A saw blade in a circular saw is just 36 little chisels in a machine that spins around. It’s all just a form of a chisel shaping wood. And when you realize, “I can shape this wood into anything I want to,” it’s so powerful and I know that I have a lifetime of study in front of me that will be incredibly pleasing, just like eating pussy.
(Crowd cheers.)
And furthermore, if you have one of these miracle machines called the human body, these things are insane. Have you guys seen shit like…fuckin’…(does weird dance moves) Have you seen crazy, like, fuckin’—(Does more weird dance moves) That’s just the tip of the iceberg ladies and gentlemen.
These things are insane. We all have one of these. I can shovel a fucking trench a mile long. I can build a barn. There’s all these things I can do, and then there are things much more talented people can do that are way better than that.
But we all have our place. And I just feel like, if you have one of these, we’re somewhat obligated to do more with it than work out these muscles and these muscles (Acts as those he’s texting or typing).
That’s all. I feel like it makes for a much more delicious life.
And I can’t talk about tips for prosperity without talking about the joy of work, finding work that you love.
It’s so sad that so much of our society says, “Man, thank God it’s Friday. Thank God five of the seven days of my life are fucking over, because I hate five-sevenths of my life.
Now I’m gonna spend two-sevenths getting drunk at The Olive Garden so I don’t have to think about the upcoming five-sevenths. Thank God!”
That’s so sad. Find something to do that you love, or at least something you can do that you can tolerate so that you can then have time to do what you love after work.
Maybe it’s grow things in the garden or whatnot, fuck cantaloupes, whatever your thing is. It’s your business. I’m not asking questions.
But, I mean, work is a privilege. You just have to find the right work. I mean, we’ve got a long life to live, and you can’t just watch videos and hangout in the pool.
I’ve tried that. It’s cool for a minute, and then you’re super depressed. Like, “What, am I gonna just fuckin’ lay in the pool? I should be fucking making salad forks.”
We’ve lost the notion that working outside and working at things that take muscle or things that get you dirty—We’ve come to think of those types of work as being beneath us, and that’s wrong. Those kinds of work are really noble. It’s amazing.
Like—(audience claps) Don’t clap for me. Clap for the farmers of America. (Offerman laughs. Audience continues to cheer) ‘Cause they’re still there. Like, there’s this huge population that we’re not really aware of ‘cause they’re not on UpRocks.com or wherever else we look. They’re not there. They’re out there, like, shouldering the burden for so much of our country.
All I’m saying is that the internal combustion engine, the telephone, the hardline telephone—amazing miracles in their day. But the thing about the phone, when you hang it up on the wall, you then don’t come back every few minutes to see if it’s gonna do something cool.
“No, hang on, you guys. Hang on. No, it just—I wanna see if it’s gonna refresh or— I know. I wanna come play baseball, too, but…there might be a worthy distraction. You guys go ahead.”
That’s all I’m saying is baseball is better…(Chuckles) then waiting for that. Get your hands dirty. Make shit with your hands. Give excellent head. Get a hobby.
By the way, had a little news. I’ve heard some rumblings. I just want to take a brief moment to say something to the gentlemen. If a lady says to you, “I can’t to get your dick in my mouth, I love to suck your dick,” she is lying to you. She’s telling you a beautiful lie. She’s giving you a generous gift.
You need to reciprocate that shit. You guys, it’s a relationship. It’s absolutely equal. When you think about it, a dick is like a thumb with a pee hole. How good can your thumb taste? You know, they’re not sitting at work, thinking, “Man, I wanna fucking get Eric’s dick in my mouth ASAP. I just love the way his dick tastes.” That’s false. They’re giving you a gift, guys. Give it back. It’s only fair.
(Picks up guitar.)
I wish this song was about eating pussy.
(Begins playing I Walk the Line.) I just wrote this (Begins singing).
On the Internet, it’s all intercept—
(Guitar plays final chord)
Thank you. (Puts guitar down.)
I thank you. That’s what I love about Megan. I was working on that song. I was running her through these lyrics and she said, “That one is pretty good, but I feel like it should be dirtier, like we should be sucking on each other’s tits or something.”
And I said, “I fucking love you.” And then of course I had to top it. And so I said, “Okay, how about this?” And I read her back about shoving my balls inside her, and she laughed so hard, she fell on the kitchen floor. And I said, “We’re gonna stay together forever. You’re all right with me, lady.”
Number Six: Go outside. Remain.
(Wolf howling in the distance)
Ooh.
Number Seven: Avoid the Mirror.
The mirror, avoid it. The mirror should be a maintenance tool. The mirror should for checking to see if you have shit on your face.
It is not. It has become so much more. It’s even more evil than that bitch in Snow White or that even more evil bitch in The Chronicles of Narnia, because the mirror is a conduit.
You can imagine the tunnels that shoot off your mirror and connect with a network that go to all the billboards and magazine stands and advertisements.
(Audience member sneezes.)
Bless you (Audience laughs).
And we’ve all been programmed for decades with this barrage of messaging, so that when you look in the mirror, you don’t just see this (Waves finger around face). You see this, but you also see what you’ve been taught to compare it to.
So I see my face, and I see Kiera Knightley. And you get stressed out that you don’t look like the people on magazines. You get upset.
It’s so sad when you see your friends. You’re like, “Why do you weigh 72 pounds? There’s bacon.” Like—And you go buy shit or pay surgeons to cut your face open and take shit out or put shit in.
(Offerman aggressively shakes his head.)
What the fuck? If you’re gonna spend your money, get something that works every time, like bacon.
How—How bad can it be that cutting your nose off (chuckles) and, like, sculpting it with inorganic shit—Be like, “Oh, thank God. Phew! If you saw me before, my nose was a slightly different shape. Like—But after like thousands of dollars and a painful surgery, now it has a slightly more of a button on it.”
What’s the matter with you? Are you a human being? Then you’re beautiful. Do you have one of these? (Gestures to his face) Then you’re fucking beautiful.
Go out—What you’re doing is comparing an organic form, designed by nature, with an anorexic, airbrushed erotic cartoon. It’s never gonna match up. And if it does, it’s gonna be gross.
If you go out in this beautiful part of the country and collect one leaf from every deciduous tree and one needle or pinecone from every conifer, take them all over to the Javits Center and lay them out in a vast array and then go through them one by one, you will not find one that’s not fucking gorgeous. There are some that are super fucked up compared to that other one, but those trees aren’t worrying about it. “Yeah, being an elm is okay, but have you seen the sycamores? (chuckles) They’re fucking amazing.” It’s all beautiful.
Do your friends and family, do your loved ones give you affection? It’s ‘cause you’re beautiful. If you’re not getting enough affection, try upping the hygiene. You’re beautiful. Just wash it.
I eschew the mirror as much as possible. We have a mirror in our foyer. I keep my keys and my pocket items there. When I’m leaving the house, I get my keys, my knife, my vise grips. Good to go. And I’m out the door. Just give it [the mirror] a glance.
If you have leaves in your hair, that should be addressed. Draw a line. Avoid the mirror.
Number Eight: Maintain a Relationship with Jesus Christ
(Pauses) if it is getting you sex.
I love that pause (Chuckles). When I was in high school, there was a cheerleader who was also a ballerina, who was also a born-again Christian. Fucking hot (Audience laughs).
Right? So hot. I was obsessed with her. She was super smart, super funny, charisma coming out of her ears. I wanted her. The problem was she would only date you if you went whole-hog, full-on-born-again Christian, which would have been insane.
So I did that. “I go where? Yeah. And I cry? Okay, great.” No hesitation. “Jesus? Yeah, I fuckin’ love him. He’s my savior.” I got saved, and we started dating. And after four or five months of fellowship and prayer, togetherness, we rutted like filthy beasts.
We would say, “Mom, Dad, Lynette and I are gonna go to Jesus camp in Wisconsin for three weeks.” Because we did. We went to Jesus camp. And we took part in the Jesus activities—the Jesus log roll, the Jesus potato sack race…the Jesus hammer throw.
That was my event. They say one of mine is still going. On a clear night, it can sometimes be seen over the upper peninsula of Michigan. (Puts his hand over his eyes as if to see his hammer in the distance)
(Old person’s voice) “There goes that Christian boy’s hammer. 1986.”
That’s what people from Michigan sound like.
(Old person’s voice) “Welcome to Detroit.”
We would take part in all of the Jesus games with the other children. Then we would go and 69 in the woods for three hours. And we were just discovering the joys of mawing each other’s crotches. Like, “Oh, it feels like that when I fucking maw on your crotch?” Just fucking mouthing pussy and balls and taint and mud and leaves.
Wisconsin mud is both clean and tasty. Just fucking rub our face in that shit. “Whoa, the feels amazing. Whah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” Remember those first sensations? Yah! You’re like—(Muttering excitedly) I’m either going to the hospital or this is amazing. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! (Chuckles)
Then we would go sit around the campfire and sing Jesus is the Rock and He Rolls My Blues Away with the other children.
The moral of this story…is that no matter what religion or school of thought or scout troop you belong to, you should always remember that it’s just a school of thought.
And I don’t like the way organizations like that can really judge and single people and make them pariahs.
If we had been found out that we were simply having a really great sex life, we would’ve been, like, cast out of our society, and I think that’s terrible. We cared about each other. We were good to each other. It was consensual. It went on for three to four years. And it was a great time. We learned to have a nice relationship.
And so I think, rather than pay attention to the hard-fast rules, we should pay more attention to simply how decent we are to one another, especially if you’re getting laid (Clears throat). Jesus camp fever. Catch it. It’s worth it.
Number Nine: Use Intoxicants
Tonight I’m going to alter that to simply say: “Continue to use Intoxicants”
I feel like you might be the choir in this instance.
I’ve spoken a little bit tonight about the pleasures of hard work. One of the greatest pleasures of hard work is, when you’re done, you get to put on a fucking buzz. It’s a deal that we have in our country that’s an amazing deal.
If you see your wastrel friend at the liquor store, like, “John, what’s up with the 12-pack?” “Sorry, man.” “Do you even have your paper route anymore?” “Sorry. I’ll put it back. I’ll just get beef jerky.”
But if you see the same friend and say, “John, what’s with the 12-pack?” And he says, “I just got off a shift at the lumber mill,” you say, “Enjoy those 12 beers, John.”
That’s the deal we have. It’s a great deal. I love working hard. I love it, spending a day in my shop, using my muscles, getting filthy. It’s so much fun. Maybe it’s a boy thing, getting dirty. Covered in sawdust, sweaty, exhausted, that first icy Corona, tastes like the jizz of the Lord, ladies and gentlemen. Which I have to imagine is the most magnificent drink, that luminous pearly mead. The beverage of glory. It’s gotta be the best.
When we work hard, we have earned the right to use intoxicants. If you just use intoxicants—and I’ve crunched the numbers on this one, too—you get depressed. It’s so great to strike a balance.
Beer, wine, whiskey and the lesser spirits. Take in the proper doses and used safely, intoxicants can provide some of the most beautiful and joyous moments in your life. They can certainly ignite your creativity and just be fucking really fun.
Or you can use them like an asshole and ruin it for the rest of us who just wanted to get high and go outside and look at a maple leaf (Chuckles). Sometimes religion and intoxicants can be combined for an especially far-out trip.
Some years ago, a lovely young lady exploded on to the national pop country Christian scene with her nauseating hit song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. I’m really upset about this song. This song has a terrible message. This song was hugely popular, and I don’t understand why Miss Underwood was not called out for her asinine message.
This young lady is driving to Cincinnati to spend Christmas with her mom and dad. Her baby is in the backseat. She’s got a lot on her mind. She hits an icy part of the road. The car begins to skid. She throws her hand up in the air—and exhorts, “Jesus, take the wheel…because I can’t do this on my own.”
You better do it on your own. Your child is in the vehicle (Shakes head). I have nothing bad to say about prayer. Maybe pray while turning into the skid. Definitely keep your hands on the fucking wheel! So I have written my own version of that soulful ballad.
(Picks up guitar)
Let’s all bow our heads for this one, please (Begins singing).
I was haulin’ass— (Singing becomes distorted)
Thank you (Bows to the crowd)
Let’s just review—Let’s wrap it up real quick. Engage in romantic love, which will give you many opportunities, to say “please” and “thank you” and use your hankerchief. Eat red meat. Perhaps make that part of your discipline, when you get a hobby. Go outside. On your way there, avoid the mirror. And maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ, preferably while using intoxicants.
All of those nine tips add up to form:
Number Ten: Paddle Your Own Canoe.
Thank you very much for having me.
(Playing guitar)
(Singing):
Siddhartha says
Life is like a river
The thought of watching it pass me by
Causes me to shiver
So I grab life by the balls
I got 10 tips to deliver
Get off your caboose
Paddle your own canoe
Take the road less traveled
Says Robert Frost
Keep your stone rollin’
So it don’t accumulate no moss
Leave the faint of heart
Sucking on your exhaust
Thunder Road
Live a little life
And paddle your own canoe
Don’t while it away
Masturbating in the ditches
Put your tackle away
And hitch up your britches
Then provision your boat
With several pulled porks and witches
Indulge in savory meat stuffs
Paddle your own canoe
Young Teddy Roosevelt
Was a weak little puss
But he exercised
And became quite an ornery cuss
Till he could whoop a bear
And also Cuba without a fuss
But got number 26
And paddled his own canoe
You like to smoke some reefer
And you like to dance
The preacher tells you to keep you pecker in your pants
But that preacher’d be kissing your nephew
Given half the chance
You should spend your Sundays
Paddling your own canoe
I might have mentioned
Jesus Christ himself got high in my van
I told him I wouldn’t go to church
And he shook my hand
He said, “My son, just let me run inside and use the can”
Number two
Then let’s get some Doritos
And paddle your sweet canoe”
What would Jesus do?
Paddle my goddamn canoe
(Song ends)
Thank You (Bows to the crowd) (Waves his hands around)
Offerman takes his final bow, and you feel a bizarre mixture of sensations: your stomach hurts from laughing so much, yet you feel strangely enlightened at the same time. The lights come back on, and the crowd stands to leave. You’re sad that the special is over but also eager to put Offerman’s tips into practice. You walk out onto the crowded streets of New York, and you take a look around you. There are people left and right talking on their cellphones or looking down at their phones, updating their next Facebook post. You start to realize that the little seed Offerman planted in your head is beginning to grow.
As you’re waiting for a taxi to pull over, you ask yourself, “Are there any differences between Ron Swanson and Nick Offerman?” The answer is yes and no. Ron Swanson is the more tamed version of Offerman’s real life persona. While he is seen as the face of masculinity, Nick Offerman might surprise you when you discover that he has a giggle that can be the equivalent to a girlish chuckle. It may seem like Offerman exudes this gruff, masculine, no nonsense kind of guy persona, but in his standup, you see a different side of him. You see a guy that loves his wife, believes in saying your please and thank you’s, and so much more.
With the seventh and final season of Parks and Recreation ending on February 24th, 2015, Offerman is as busy now than he was while filming for the show. In the upcoming months, Offerman and his wife, Megan Mullally, are going to be touring America in their own standup special titled “Summer of 69: No Apostrophe.”
But when he is not touring America or working in his woodshop, Offerman is writing New York Times bestselling books. In his first book, Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man’s Fundamentals for Delicious Living, which came out in the fall after this standup special was filmed, Offerman discusses how to become successful in America. Offerman was writing this book while on his “American Ham” tour, so throughout the book, you see similarities to this standup. In fact, the book ends the same way as the standup does — with one of Offerman’s hilariously, inappropriate songs. While Paddle Your Own Canoe was about one successful American man’s life — his own — Offerman’s second book Gumption: Relighting the Torch of Freedom with America’s Gutsiest Troublemakers is taking a comedic spin on the history of America up until today. The book is set to be released in May 2015.
In “American Ham,” Offerman discusses topics related to society and addresses them like any human should — with an open mind and a joke. Offerman’s dry sense of humor and descriptive details of his sex life help contribute to this standup’s dynamics. Through his “Ten Tips for a Prosperous Life,” Nick Offerman provides a detailed yet simple framework to a fulfilling life.
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