Choosing to write 100,000 words on something deep and personally invasive

Vulnerability

vʌln(ə)rəˈbɪlɪti/

noun

  1. the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
  2. when a (not-so-young) woman decides to attempt writing a PhD that utilizes qualitative methods and slowly begins to understand that this involves bearing your soul within 80,000 (peer-reviewed) words.
  3. the feeling a 36 year old woman gets when she decides that it is about time to go out on some dates and put some effort into pretending a relationship is a good thing to be involved in
  4. often accompanied by heart palpitations/shortness of breath as you prepare for yet another teaching experience where you place your whole heart on a platter in the hope that some of your complete and utter joy for the potential that is contained within yoga is translated to even one human

Do you ever have those days you wonder — is it all worth it? Being someone that likes to push the boundaries and test the waters, I am prone to getting myself into situations where things feel over my head. Many “self-help” posters would argue that you are only experiencing “real change” when you are outside your comfort zone. But — what if you are outside your comfort zone ALL of the time. When does it get easier? When do we begin to allow ourselves the chance to just relax and be in our comfort zone?

Along the road to increased self-awareness I’ve consistently pushed myself to excel beyond what I think is possible for myself. Social media gives people access to the “highs” of my life and I’m left with the residual feeling that I am doing some cool shit. But honestly, when does it end? When does this life just calm down? And — when do I allow myself to rest? Do creative/innovative people ever just relax and rest with their accomplishments? It’s all a little too much for me to think about right now.

and honestly…I’m tired of the race.

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