Raising a Feminist Son

One of the things that drives me is creating opportunities to bring more women into web development. I volunteer with BitCamp and I’m helping to start a Girl Develop It chapter in Grand Rapids. I think it’s important for girls to have exposure to the field and women to have learning opportunities and safe spaces to learn and practice their new skills.

I’m forever grateful for my dad’s support when I showed interest in building websites in middle school. I always thought if I had a daughter, I’d encourage her to try out coding as well. I imagined raising an empowered, self-assured feminist ready to dive into whatever interested her, whether it be a stereotypically masculine career like programming, or something generally thought of as being more feminine like nursing.

Then I had a son.

I still want to raise an empowered, self-assured feminist.

These are the things I want my son to know.

Women Deserve Respect Because They’re Human Beings

Not because I’m a women. Not because every woman is a man’s daughter, or could be a man’s mother, sister, or aunt. A woman’s value is her own and not defined by her relationship to a man. If a woman is harassed or assaulted, it’s terrible that someone would do that to another person.

Girly Stuff is Cool

Just because something is marketed towards girls, doesn’t mean it’s not cool, or that boys can’t enjoy it.

Image Source: How to Tell if a Toy is for Boys or Girls in One Easy Step
Image Credit: Kristen Myers
Concept Credit: Cy and Eva

When I hear parents talk about how they hope to steer their daughters away from pink and princesses and towards more masculine colors and toys, it saddens me. While I believe this to be well intentioned, I think it devalues femininity and, taken to the next level, devalues being a woman.

I rarely hear parents pushing their boys away from blue and baseball.

Kids can read this as boy stuff is better and extrapolate that to mean boys are better. This is where boys begin being pushed towards masculinity, which will continue in every corner of their lives. How are boys supposed to value women as people if they’re being told that girly things aren’t good enough for them?

This doesn’t mean I’m going to dissuade him if blue is his favorite color or if he wants to play baseball. I want him to be able to follow his interests whatever they are.

Pink is for everyone.
Blue is for everyone.
Princesses are for everyone.
Baseball is for everyone.

Your Body is Your Body

Since becoming a parent, I’ve been reading and thinking about body autonomy and consent. If you’re not familiar with the concept, I like this definition from Hannah Goff that I found on Humanist Parenting:

It’s generally considered a human right. Bodily autonomy means a person has control over who or what uses their body, for what, and for how long. It’s why you can’t be forced to donate blood, tissue, or organs. Even if you are dead. Even if you’d save or improve 20 lives. It’s why someone can’t touch you, have sex with you, or use your body in any way without your continuous consent.

In terms of children and parenting, the basic concept is this: the child’s body belongs to the child, and the child gets to decide what happens to their body. This means they don’t have to kiss mommy goodnight. They don’t have to hug grandpa goodbye. When they say no to requests for physical affection, those requests are obliged. When they ask to stop being tickled, the tickling stops immediately. They need to know that it’s okay to say no, and that their no will be respected.

Of course, as parents we need to make sure our children are clean, clothed, and healthy. That might mean eating vegetables or taking a bath even if they don’t want to. As much as I can within these constraints, I want to teach my son that what happens to his body is his choice, and what happens to other people’s bodies is their choice. It’s my hope this will provide a framework for understanding the importance of consent when he’s older.

If you’re interested in methods for teaching body autonomy, check out It’s Never Too Early to Teach Children About Consent and Boundaries and 3 Mistakes Parents Make When Teaching Consent and Bodily Autonomy — And How to Fix Them. To illustrate the importance of teaching bodily autonomy to children, 3 Ways My Parents Unintentionally Taught Me that My Consent Didn’t Matter is a powerful read.

The Best Person to Tell You About Being a Woman is a Woman

Feminism is about finding meaning in women’s stories. I want my son to know that one of the best ways to support feminism is by listening to women.

I don’t just mean one kind of woman. I don’t mean he only needs to listen to straight middle class white women (like his mother). Too often feminism is only about one type of woman, and since I am that type of women, I need to make a point to encourage him to listen to the stories of women that aren’t like me: women of color, trans women, lesbian women, women from other countries and of other ages.

My son is only three months old. He has no concept of sex or gender; you can tell from the way he looks for food on his dad’s chest. I may never have a daughter, but I do have the opportunity to raise a son who is not afraid of his emotions, and respects women simply because they’re human beings just like him. As all new parents, my goals may be lofty, but I’m committed to giving it my best.