Hi Allison,

OK Phil, this is really interesting. Thank you.

The negotiation strategy is…For you perhaps, the cost of…

Are you an economist?

(The following may come across as me ‘throwing out stoppers’, but I want to label them as ‘considerations’. I am taking your proposal to heart, and looking at ways I might pursue it.)

The negotiation strategy is to share lots of information with everyone you meet…

Whilst my public persona is open, confessional, ‘out’, and outgoing, the truth is that in my private life I am…private… ;-) Shy, unforthcoming, rather isolated, and very, very stealth. (This seems to be the norm amongst trans women of my generation.)

IRL I don’t meet many people, nearly none, in fact. I realise that I could make an effort to get out more, find suitable activities, and perhaps I do need to make that effort, for reasons even beyond husband-shopping.

Your principles seem sound. How I would implement them is less clear to me. My strongest social connection is with my readers…perhaps I should reach out with a ‘get Allison a date’ request… :-D

Most cis men will write off a trans woman immediately…

I have heard and read the stories of many — of both trans women and of cis men who have dated trans women — and this is pretty much the issue.

The common wisdom, on both sides, is to withhold the information at first, and deal with disclosure after a connection has been established. Cis men who have ended up as trans-positive romantic partners generally admit that they would not have entered into the relationship initially had they ‘known’.

Trans women who have put their status up front, in advance, have consistently found that suitable partners are screened out, and those who show up are invariably ‘chasers’.

This does, of course, leave the when-and-how of disclosure unresolved, and, as anyone who’s read Conflicted Romance, Part 2 knows, I have not done well with this in the past. Indeed, in 27 years I have never willingly disclosed. In the words of one trans woman, ‘…the only way to have a realistic hope of any kind of relationship was to keep quiet.’ And so I have.

So there’s that to overcome.

For you perhaps, the cost of having a partner who is not currently in your attraction spectrum will suddenly seem insignificant, too. ;0)

Point taken. :-) As a rather tall woman with a stereotypical taste in men and a penchant for 3" heels, I may need to get over myself.

Thank you, Phil.

❤ Allison

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