17 Ways to Seduce a Banker Bro
You can take these tips straight to the bank.
If you’ve ever browsed through the men of Tinder, swiping this way and that, you start noticing patterns. Types. There’s the man holding a fish, promising with his profile photo that he will be able to provide for you and your future children a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids.
Then there’s the man reclined against the hood of a car. “I’m going places,” his photo says, in a very literal sense.
There’s the man with the muscles, the man with a puppy, the man with a girl. (“See, at least one girl likes me! You will too!”)
And then there’s the banker bro. In Charlotte, they’re ubiquitous both on the dating apps and in real life. They wait with their standard issue black briefcases to cross at the intersection of Trade and Tryon. When the light changes, they walk with purpose. Banker bros always have somewhere to go and important business to conduct.
If you’ve got your sights set on this type, if your fantasies include unbuttoning a light blue collared shirt before getting busy, take heed.
With these tips in your arsenal, you’re sure to generate high interest and you’ll never be a-loan.
- Learn how to spot your quarry on or off the clock. Know how to spot logos from Vineyard Vines, Brooks Brothers, and J. Crew.
- Hang out in the banker bro’s natural environment. Spend time at the Epicentre on weekends. Find them at Starbucks reading the Financial Times or the Charlotte Agenda.
- Pickup line: “Let’s credit default swap digits.”
- Drop subtle hints that you are adventurous in the bedroom, i.e. a crude commodity.
- Date idea: A happy hour special with $14 margaritas and an authentic sombrero photo booth.
- When he mentions bottom-up investing, take the opportunity to let him know what you can do with your bottom up.
- Propose learning a dance together, like waltz, salsa, or contango.
- Date idea: Topgolf.
- At the end of your evening together, invite him inside to show off your diversified portfolio of assets.
- During sex, use restraints and handcuffs (with consent). Refer to these as “bonds” and wink suggestively.
- Pickup line: “I’ll show you my butterfly spread investment strategy.”
- Suggest a game to invent sex positions for various financial terms. Start with “back-end load,” “in the money,” and “PEG ratio.”
- Pickup line: “Not to be forward, but can I get the option to swap those commodities?”
- As your date is wrapping up, suggest some “uncovered options.”
- Keep your eyes peeled for Bank of America’s volunteer t-shirt. These banker bros enjoy giving back in the community and possibly in bed. (Unconfirmed.)
- Ask what he likes to be called during sex. Don’t be surprised if he says “executive VP.”
- Pickup line: “If you’re long, I have a vested interest in seeing you rise.”