Day 3

The pain keeps creeping back. It hurts like hell and there are times when I just want to rip my heart out. It’s happening. The pain, the bad memories, the cruel words…Maybe it’s all in my head and I’ve been desperately trying to find ways to keep them from popping up in my head. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s like a constant battle.

I never wanted to be this person: to distrust my boyfriend and find out what he is up to every minute of the day. It’s just so exhausting, but past experiences gave me no choice but to find out if he really would do one thing but tell me another. It’s a painful realization. It’s a shitty situation and for me to see him talk about his bad behavior as “reality”, it’s just like putting salt on a wound.

Maybe the nasty side of him is something that I didn’t want to see and he conveniently hid it from me so he could project the version that I wanted — because he knew if I saw that this is how he really is — the fact that he wants to go to strip clubs and the fact that he wants to flirt with women. And he thought he would paint this nice picture for us and I would buy into this as someone that I could love. Whenever something like this happens, his only defense would be the fact that he didn’t actually fuck someone or that he doesn’t do it that often (“rarely”). As if that would make it all ok and the fact that I wanted to know if a sin in itself.

He keeps telling me it would have been ok for us to not be in a relationship, because he could just live with the friendship. That’s just a lot of BS because he never understood how I am in love in with him and he just treats our relationship like another line item in a contract — strike it out because this doesn’t work but we can still keep the deal going.

Bottomline is now that I realize this is how he is, he is not attractive to me anymore and that I am not sure if I would even want to have a friend like this.

Now I just need to work on accepting this fact and figure out step-by-step how to move on with my life and build a reality that I want and hopefully meet someone who is devoted and truthful to me — without me asking but because he wants to. Then to have to do the opposite of it — asking someone to be faithful and checking to see if someone is faithful — it’s just shitty. I cringe whenever I think about it. And he turned me into this person which makes me cringe even more.

I need to figure out how to build this life that I want, but I am hitting writers’ block and don’t know where to start…

..I will run and see if I can get a clear head to figure it out…