Day 2

Ok, there’s still pain today, but I am managing it. I have decided to figure out concrete steps to be mentally strong and not fall back into that. Something that could be as simple as “I don’t trust him anymore, there’s no reason for me to care,” or “There’s nothing to love, he doesn’t want to be with me.” Both chants are on point, but I repeat this over and over in order to really have this in my brain so I can start believing that I can walk away — for good this time.

I was hoping to get a good run in, but I haven’t gotten more than five hours of sleep each night in the past week. Last week I made a point of sleeping, but only to find myself up at 3:45am. So today I am literally letting myself stay in bed all day and just recuperate. I also ate. So I have more strength today now (yesterday I only had a cup of coffee and half a bowl of soup). Having a good clean diet is the first step to getting back to the game. Once I am back in the game, I can start climbing to the top of it. Even if it means baby steps….

Oh, another important step: stop letting my mind wander. If I am not conscious about it this time, I will start wandering, thinking. I need to focus. Focus.

But it’s getting hard. It’s late at night now and I find myself being frustrated and mad again, over his reality: strip-club going, women flirting, “no need to tell you unless I fucked a stripper”, etc. etc.. It’s maddening because before he would use his clients as excuses, he would lie to me about going to a strip club (“my credit card didn’t work and I thought this is stupid so I went home but I lost my phone in my Uber but someone it showed up again in my house this morning” or “I’m going to bed” in text but really getting into an Uber with friends to go to a strip club). He would tell me whenever he goes to the gym though and to him, that’s “I’m doing everything you ask of me”. But not when he goes to strip clubs. That’s just “reality” to him. Argh.