How Coffee With A Friend Became A Lesson in Leadership Development

Allison O'Brien
Jul 10, 2017 · 4 min read

I was having coffee with my friend “Doug” last Saturday in downtown Boulder. In mid-sentence he stopped and said, “So, you’re a management consultant and I don’t want this to a busman’s holiday for you, but can I run something by you? I could use your help.”

Doug owns a small business. He has a handful of employees. His issue was with one particular employee. He said, “She talks way too much and doesn’t listen.” He was afraid of the potential impact on his current client relationships and for future business. He told me that he gets completely overwhelmed by their conversations and he doesn’t want his clients to have the same experience. She rambles and he can’t get a word in edge-wise. She doesn’t pause long enough for him to jump in and he feels uncomfortable interrupting her.

He said, “She doesn’t stop talking. She tells me every detail, stuff that isn’t even relevant to me. It’s like I’m not even needed in the conversation, and I get so angry because it feels so disrespectful, and like a waste of my time. I just want to get it over with.”

Doug told me that sometimes he sees her coming and if he doesn’t have the energy to talk to her, he actually avoids her. Other times, when she calls him on the phone, he lets it go to voicemail.

I asked if he’s ever spoken to her about this issue. Has he ever told her what he experiences in conversation with her? His answer: “No, I’m afraid of how she’ll react and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

So I asked, “Is she an asset to the company?” This is an important question because if she’s not bringing value to the organization, maybe it’s not worth putting time, effort and resources into trying to shift her performance.

Doug acknowledged that she’s a great asset to the company in many ways. She’s an incredibly hard worker, she’s passionate about the business, and she is fearless when it comes to outreach and networking. She possesses every attribute he’s looking for in a business development role. She just talks too much.

“So,” I said, “If you see her as an asset to the company, and you don’t want to let her go, you have to step up as a leader, and be willing to risk the consequences of being completely honest.”

Doug was operating in Pretense, which is a common way of avoiding conflict. Pretense is characterized by a lack of willingness to be completely honest because the perceived risk of the consequence is too great. This is a very wasteful way to navigate through conversation, and an even more dangerous way to manage employees and run a business.

In Pretense, what is said in one situation may be different than what is said in another. For example, we might agree to something in a meeting and then go back to our desks, and with our co-workers, talk about why it will never work.

In Pretense, we might withhold information that could be relevant or meaningful to the outcome of a situation. A great example of Pretense in business is the 2014 worldwide recall at GM for an ignition switch problem. In North America alone, GM recalled 29 million vehicles. As part of the Deferred Prosecution Agreement with the Department of Justice, GM paid $900 million to the federal government and over $600 million in victim compensation claims. When an internal investigation was done, it was determined that individuals at GM knew of the ignition switch problem as early as 2001, but because of a culture of silence, no one had taken steps to fix the problem.

Of course my friend’s business isn’t anywhere close to the scale of GM, but if he knows of a problem and doesn’t take steps to fix it, the chances for a costly outcome are certain.

By the end of the conversation, Doug agreed that for the health of his business and the ongoing relationship with his employee, he had to have a conversation with her about shifting the way they communicate. He would address his own need for fewer details by asking her to not to share everything going on, but only the information that is critical for him to know. Instead of avoiding her, he planned to set up a regular weekly meeting with a sound structure and very clear agenda. He would share the agenda with her in advance, in order to give both of them a chance to organize and consolidate their thoughts, and then communicate them in a succinct and linear way.

With a clear plan, new tools to work with, and the courage to face the risk of being honest, there’s no doubt in my mind that my friend will be able to shift the way he communicates and works with his employee.

Stay tuned for an update after my next coffee date.

Allison O'Brien
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