ALLSTON RAT CITY: THE MBTA FOR DUMMIES

(This piece was originally published on Sept. 3, 2013 and appeared on DigBoston.com)

Hello students. Hello new neighbors. Welcome. I am thankful for the potential revenue you will generate for our city.

I would like to talk to you about something very important to the rest of us, the tool by which we transport ourselves to our jobs and lives: The MBTA.

You may think that you can just jump on the T and start exploring your new world, and you should.

But let’s set some ground rules first:

- PLEASE MAKE PRIORITY SEATING AVAILABLE FOR SENIORS AND PERSONS WITH DISABILITIES

- PLEASE MAKE PRIORITY SEATING AVAILABLE FOR PREGNANT WOMEN

- PLEASE MAKE PRIORITY SEATING AVAILABLE FOR CHILDREN

- PLEASE MAKE ROOM FOR BABY CARRIAGES

- Don’t be that guy that finds a good spot to stand on the train making it impossible for everyone else to move to the back and causing the conductor to yell at everyone. Move to the back of the goddamn bus/train.

- The train is not a dorm room. Stop making out/canoodling/generally grossing out all the adults around you by being nasty VD-infested students.

- No one wants to hear your dubstep on your shitty cell phone speakers. Buy some goddamn headphones with Mom’s credit card; it will make you more hip.

- Don’t make eye contact.

- Take your fucking backpack off and put it on the ground between your feet.

- Don’t socialize/try to pick up a stranger. You seem like a Craigslist killer. Street harassment is a real and serious issue in this area, don’t contribute to the problem.

- Take a fucking look around and stop being spatially ignorant.

- No one wants to smell your food on the train. Do not eat on the train. If you’re dying and have to eat or you’ll explode, this is why fucking Balance bars exist. This is a highly contentious subject. Many people believe that is the only time they get to eat. It’s unfair to anyone on the train who might be pregnant with morning sickness, hungover with morning sickness, or alive with morning sickness to fill the train with your homemade concoction. Also, stop eating Chinese take-out on the train. It doesn’t even seem like you could enjoy it.

- Let people off the train before you get on. Simple logic should teach you this when boarding passengers prevent you from getting off at your stop and you wind up in Newton.

- Have your money ready before you are getting on the train, and

IF YOU DON’T HAVE A PRE-LOADED CHARLIE CARD, GET ON LAST. MOST CONVENIENCE STORES WILL ADD VALUE. STOP BEING A MORON. YOU’RE MAKING US ALL LATE FOR WORK.

- Stop talking about objectifying women on the T. No one cares, and you’re corrupting the children.

- I don’t care how the Red Sox did tonight, keep your shit together on the train and don’t get pissed at the regular humans when they get a seat before you. They weren’t too wasted to board properly; that’s your fault.

- Don’t fight with your girlfriend on the T. It makes you look abusive. Sit there in bitter silence like the rest of us.

- Centrifugal force is universal, so fucking hold on to something. You’re not goddamn Spiderman and you can’t surf the B Line.

- Use your indoor voice. You know what? Use your library voice.

- New to escalators? WALK LEFT. STAND RIGHT. Do not block the path for others to walk just ’cause you feel like hanging on to all your calories.

- Complain on your own time. Complaining about the MBTA sucking on the MBTA is like complaining that your fist hurts when you’re punching a wall. Tweet about it like the rest of us andmaybe you’ll end up on Boston.com. (The exception to this rule is that it’s totally acceptable to call your mom or best friend to complain about the sweaty business bro that’s sitting on your shoulder.)

Lastly, remember that these places you’re moving to are neighborhoods, and people live here all year round.

Please stop ruining everything for everyone else.

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