Idiots between jobs

“I quit!” Bobby said.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked

“Well I want more responsibility and I felt like I was working with a bunch of nobodies, and I want to start my own thing! This is going to be really, really great! I can just feel it! I was going to quit anyways. This is just perfect timing.” He said, trying to convince himself.

“Dude. You should’ve milked that job for all it’s worth, and just let them fire you, you were getting paid to literally do nothing.”

Bobby was a security guard at a local business park. He got paid $60/hr because he worked the graveyard shift. He watched TV monitors all night, but mostly just watched his own shows. Then a burglary happened, while he was asleep.

“Oh, yeah, they were going to fire me after the break in, but I quit instead.”

Now he spends his time thinking about businesses to start, pretending things went exactly as planned, meeting with people in Starbucks, and getting excited about nothing while talking really loudly.

This is Bobby talking to someone about creating him a marketing strategy:

“This business is really a multi faceted endeavor. It started out as hardly anything, you know, but I can see it becoming a really profitable company. Like a fortune 500 company. Let me just tell you where I see this going. I’ll be brief. We have real estate and we have software… and we have construction, but I’ll get into that later. All have a lot of high growth potential with massive untapped markets. The market is essentially every American. No joke, every American can use our stuff. So I figure even if we get just 1%, only 1%, we still have around three million customers. And that’s the low end. That’s being really conservative. I can really see this being my retirement plan. And my dad’s retirement plan. We should try to be in eight cities in the next two years. That’s where all the money is. The big market ones like New York and LA and Austin and San Francisco. I think if we just do that, just focus on that one niche we can achieve our goals. But for right now, we don’t have any money, so we can’t pay you… but who knows in a couple of years, this thing could be a money making machine. So maybe you can just come up with a couple ideas for us and then if we like them, we can pay you at that time.”

That’s probably when they realize: Bobby just wants to feel like he’s doing something.

And talk about himself.

But they’re too nice to tell him he’s just wasting everyones time and that he should just shut up before everyone in the Starbucks silently judges both of them and why did they even take this meeting?

So they say something like: “I can see you have a lot of ambition, that’s really awesome. Let me te…”

Bobby interrupts.

“Yeah, I’m really ambitious that’s why I think this thing is gonna take off. No, I know this thing is gonna take off. It just take a little elbow grease. And a lot of cold calls. Eventually I’d like to hire my sister. I think she would make a great administrative assistant. And then I wanna hire my brother and his girlfriend, and my dad and my friend and my cousin and my other brother and then maybe a couple more people I know. My dad is a big picture guy. He can’t close a deal to save his life, but I’d really like to hire him to run all the operations and marketing. That’s where you come in. We need you to make a marketing plan, so we can start to get some clients and some buzz. Maybe go viral. You see these things all work together. We need that synergy. The more clients we have, the more clients we get. One needs the other. It’s a really delicate ecosystem. And that’s where you come in. I know we can’t pay you, but hopefully we can work something out and even if we can’t, maybe in a few years, who knows, I keep you in mind and then give you a call and you come work for me.”

Sigh. “Yeah, Bobby, that would be awesome.” That’s what they say, with no enthusiasm, when they wonder if he knows what he’s talking about. Either way, they’re definitely not walking out of Starbucks with a check.

And so, Bobby leaves feeling refreshed and excited and ready to take on the world and become a fortune 500 company.

He never got a response to the email he sent asking if the marketing strategist had come up with any ideas yet.

Bobby now drives big rigs from coast to coast for a meat packing company. He says he’s the “happiest he’s ever been” because he doesn’t have to meet with a bunch of people who just wanted to take all his money.