Sexploration: how to achieve sexual fulfillment in long-term relationships

Here’s a story that might sound familiar:

It’s Summer of 2017, and I’m two and a half years into my relationship with my current partner. We are in love and we are relishing intertwining our lives, but something is very wrong: my desire to have sex is dwindling.

When we first notice this, we try ignore it — I’m just stressed at work, no biggie. But as it persists, we dive into discussing potential causes. Ultimately we conclude that we’ve reached the infamous point in a long-term relationship where you just need to “spice it up.”

Chaos ensues.

We buy lingerie, we go to sex parties, we test new positions, we ban sex for a month, we try having sex everyday for a month.

Spoiler: nothing successfully reverts my sex drive to it’s early-relationship heights. And every time we try something that doesn’t work, I feel crushing defeat… which fuels my stress around sex and impedes my desire even more.

In the back of my mind, the bigger, hairier fears take root: Maybe my body is trying to tell me that he’s not the right life partner. Maybe my true sexual preferences are revealing themselves and I don’t actually like men. Maybe I don’t actually like sex at all. Maybe we need to break up.

I’m embarrassed to talk about it honestly with friends, who — in my head — all have passionate, euphoric sex with their partners five times a week. I feel like my desire is broken and so am I.

But eventually, I do start talking to friends honestly. And what I learn is shocking. 90% of my friends in long-term relationships are experiencing some variation of the same thing: They are unsure of how to achieve sexual fulfillment with their partner for the long-term. They are afraid they might not be able to, and they are afraid it’s because something is wrong with them.

You know those moments where someone shares a truth and you think, “Oh my god, you too!? I thought I was the only person who felt that way!”

That was exactly how it felt. Conversation after conversation, friends and friends-of-friends and even some complete strangers were telling me their stories of shifting sexual desire in long-term relationships, many of which ended with settling for subpar sexual fulfillment or general disconnectedness.

After my twentieth conversation, I realized that if we could all get together to explore the unique opportunities and challenges around sex in long-term relationships honestly, we could help each other achieve greater sexual fulfillment.

And so Sexploration was born.

It started with three friends in my apartment nervously exchanging stories over tea and scones. We talked about embarrassing moments when “spicing it up” had gone terribly wrong, and asked each other questions about where we were struggling in our sex lives currently, and we all left with that exhilarating “I just shared deep truths and everything is okay” glow.

After experimenting with topics and formats, and adding friends and friends-of-friends and some complete strangers, Sexploration has landed in it’s current form:

A 6-session series where women in long-term relationships get together to talk about the unique opportunities and challenges that arise around sex within a multi-year partnership. Each 90-minute session focuses on a topic, like “Understanding Your Desire,” and follows a set of prompts for gently-guided discussions that help you gain insight into your own mind so you can ultimately unlock greater sexual fulfillment in your relationship.

To clarify, I don’t have the answers — I’m no sexpert. But I’ve found that when we get together to share honestly, ask questions, and challenge ourselves, we tend to find answers. And those answers feel good — in more ways than one 😜.

You can sign up for the next Sexploration series on the website here or email me to say hi at joinsexploration@gmail.com.